Abusive relationships, domestic violence

We invite your comments, reflections and questions about abusive relationships and domestic violence. 

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Abused Mother Of Seven Children

I left an abusive 21 yr relationship with 5 of my 7 children. He beat and cursed at me everyday. He ripped up all my birth documents and left me in financial difficulty. I'm currently living in niagara region in ontario canada. Welfare doesnt make the bills and i over use my food bank privelages and still dont have enough food. Im going to school but it's very hard with no money. I don't know how much longer i can live like this,but I'm not going back to him. I've looked on the web to see if there are any organizations that can help me financially, so i can pay off some of my debts and at the same time support my 5 children with their immediate needs. i just need a ladder to help me start climbing towards a better life for my children and I, so if any one can help me out with related information that can help me please email me at sashay2010@hotmail.com. Sorry Ican release my name because i still have to hide from my childrens father. Thanks

leaving abusive relationships

I really hear the depth of your struggle.  It can be so painful and feel almost insurmountable to rebuild once you've been "wiped out" through leaving an abusive relationship. 

6 years ago I left an abusive alcoholic relationship with pretty much only the clothes on my back.  It was starting from nothing all over again...not to mention the emotional devastation that left me feeling ripped apart/shattered.  Each day felt like it made my body ache just to breathe...

I've had to work really hard, but I have managed to fight my way out of this pit...with the emmense help of my truly gifted therapist who really heard and understood me and what i was going through.  Her support has been invaluable to tranforming my destroyed life. 

Hang in!  

Violence towards single mothers

I often wonder how women, who are subject to domestic violence, some for a very long time, get out of it, especially during the ongoing recessions we have had in this country and all the cut-backs on social programs and affordable housing.... how do they manage financially?  Abused women have no money, usually.  How do they get help?  Where?  I heard of a company offering interest free loans to women leaving a domestic violence situation but that's in the States.  I'm at a total loss in 2009, going into 2010 that domestic violence against women.... by men.... is still tolerated by our society and nothing put in place to deal with this very important issue that often leads to high percentages of HOMELESSNESS !!!!!  Disgraceful !!!!  My abuser told me recently to "go live on the street".  He's the father of my child.  It is very hurtful to hear words coming from him, he talks like a razor blade is coming out of his mouth.... very destructive for me, the majority of women who can't find their way out, often end up being killed by their spouse, boyfriend, common law partner, husband..... pray for me!!!

I would also like to send

I would also like to send support your way.

For yourself and for your child I really want to encourage you to reach out to get support. You may not yet know how you are going to manage financially and I appreciate that that prospect can be a very frightening, but there is support out there for you. I do agree with you though that our society has yet to recognize how serious the problem of domestic violence is and how many women suffer in silence and in situations that they feel they can't escape. It could be the woman who works at grocery store, your doctor, or the mom that you pass by every day.    

There are therapists that specialize in working with women that are in domestically violent situations and they can help you to take small steps towards safety for yourself and your child. 

I hope that you find yourself surrounded with the support that your needing

 

My heart goes out to you

It sounds like you are in crisis, and my heart goes out to you. I can hear the panic and worry in your writing, and I hope that you have found some peace since you wrote. Mothers, and single mothers especially, do not get the support they need in our society. It is so hard to be a parent, and to have to cope with an abusive partner is especially hard. Good luck in your search for a way out. You can do it.

Remembering....

The other day I was having to sort through a storage locker of mine. For the last number of years I've been living in quite a small place since I ended a long-term relationship.  Not that long after I moved out, my ex-partner passed away and so much of the stuff that I'd walked away from when i left I went back and collected and moved it into a storage locker.  Now I'm finally moving into a larger place and after about 3 years of it sitting in this locker, I thought I should sort it.

It was a very strange experience - really bitter-sweet.  Sometimes I wonder how this is...that you can love someone deeply and yet the relationship was quite emotionally abusive (it only became violent a few times near the beginning, and that was enough for me to never provoke it to that level again). 

I came across letters and cards and pictures that made me miss her; and then I'd come across carbon copy cheques that she'd written on our joint account in my name and withdrew money we didn't have through the bank machine - without my knowledge.  One of the reasons I've been living in an impossibly small apartment for the last 5 years has been because she wiped me out financially and I walked away with nothing.

Its hard for me at times to hold these dichotomous feelings...and sometimes I even feel ashamed, I feel like the fool - even still.

  

why we permit abusive relationships

I am a surviviour of an abusive family relationship. Emotional, financial and physical components make up the nuts and bolts the abuse took and occured over a number of years.

I recall how difficult it was for me to find my voice and establish boundaries, to speak my truth, in a family that chose to blame the victim...to defend myself from these attacks, from evisceration, loss of self esteem and so on.

I recall how alone I felt, and the accompaning despair,I wondered how I would ever feel whole again ,but knew that I could not abandon myself to living a fabricated lie.

I felt conflict within myself for as unevolved as these individuals were they also formed my family and I had love for them. As a consequence of this inner  conflict I felt powerless to defend myself, and to a degree still do.

Although this situation was well exploited  by those family members participating in the abuse an unforseen consequence for me has occured: I have begun to empower myself  by  viewing this painful experience as a stimulus for growth learning and self awarness.

Thank you for sharing

Thank you for sharing this. I am in awe of your courage to live your life openly and with such integrity, all the while remaining one of the most compassionate people I know. No small feat...

Why did I let myself be abused?

My first serious relationship was with a young man who was violent. He was very bright and good looking, but very messed up. I was 17 and fell in love with him. I think a lot of people, my parents included, couldn't understand why I was with him. I came from a "good" family. I think he was part of my rebellion and I think he was so powerful that he cleared up any confusion I felt. He was jealous and possessive, but could also be romantic and sensitive. He wrote beautiful poetry. I often felt adrift and he held me tightly, which in a weird way was safe.

Things deteriorated over the years. The violence got worse. It took me 10 years to extricate myself from the relationship. I was so afraid that he would come after me. I was afraid that even if I disappeared he would threaten my parents. I just didn't know. In the end he had the decency to finally let me go. I guess there was still some good in him. Everytime I hear about a woman who was stalked or killed by her estranged boyfriend or husband I quietly thank the good part of him for letting me go.

Then I married a man who seemed decent and hard working, but over the years I found out that he could be very cruel psychologically. It took me 15 years to extricate myself from that marriage.

After many years of therapy and positive mirroring from my therapist, I know I will never go back there. And yet, it is still hard for me to believe that I allowed myself to be so abused. What was it? I have some ideas of what in my childhood lead to the first destructive relationship, although I still can't quite believe it. On some level, though, the abusive relationship itself has far reaching affects. It erroded my self-esteem and filled me with fear so much that probably I couldn't have made the right choice.

The other thing I discovered in therapy was my anger. I was totally disconnected from my anger and so I was missing an important emotional response that would have informed me to make better choices. I can be angry now when I feel that I have been trespassed upon. I am somewhat better at setting boundaries of what I consider acceptable.

It has been a long journey: a half a life time to arrive here. I am truly grateful for the wonderful woman in my life, my therapist, who has patiently worked with me over the years so that together we could create a new way of living for me. Thanks.

  I resonate with your

 

I resonate with your disbelieve around how you could let yourself be abused. I grew up in an abusive family and I was always clear that I would let no-one treat me the way my mother was treated by my father.

Then I became engaged to a man who was extremely manipulative.  He would lie to me about things that didn't matter - like being at school instead of being at the library. It confused me. He would eat all of our stock of a certain food, and then lie about it. He had me convinced that I had forgotten to buy the item, or that I had already cooked it. It sounds like a comedy sketch!  But he was very good at it, and I started to feel a little crazy. When I discovered that he had an eating disorder - he was able to show me his vulnerability around it. Instead of this being a positive connection however, his lying and hiding things became my fault because I was too critical. He also undermined my appearance. I was too fat. Not firm enough. My eyes were too close together. He compared me to other girlfriends, and other women.  It astonishes me now to remember that I allowed him to say those things to me and even believe them! I went from liking my body (one of the few things I did like about myself) - to feeling very insecure around my appearance.

He was able to get away with it, because the observations he had around my faults were true. I was critical. I was insecure. I did procrastinate. I was angry. I couldn't deny them. He was skilled at finding my weak points and exploiting them.

We would have huge arguments and he would somehow manage to turn everything against me. I would get caught up in what felt like an endless loop that always pointed back at me. I truly felt as if I was crazy and stupid. It got to the point where I felt so hopeless that I tried to commit suicide. Fortunately our relationship ended soon after.

Before I entered into this relationship, I believed that I was a strong woman. Even when I knew that he wasn't as kind and generous as he first appeared, and I saw his dark side, our relationship was never obviously abusive to me. He didn't hit me.  He rarely yelled even when we were fighting. He was very controlled. I was the one who behaved badly and was passionate and would yell. He was always able to point the finger at me. I didn't recognize his manipulation, and I didn't view his criticism and mental games as being abusive.

I was fortunate, many years ago now, to find a wonderful therapist. I have learned a great deal about myself and my history. Looking back at this relationship now, I understand that it was a complex situation. I brought in all of my unresolved issues with my abusive and manipulating mother and father.  He was from an abusive family as well.  I believe that neither of us was conscious of what we were doing to each other, and to ourselves, and I don't believe that we would have chosen to live that way if we had been.

I know now that the physical abuse that happened in my family was sporadic - and not the daily occurrence it felt like in my memories. What I did live with every day was the fear of violence. Along with the threat of physical violence came a pretty constant stream of negative criticism. I now believe that constant and undeserved criticism can be as toxic to a human being's spirit - be they adult or child -  as the fear of physical danger.