Anger and stress management

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Angry fantasies

I really like what you've shared about the fantasy of storming out of therapy.  I too have had those fantasies in moments of real rage that involve the painfulness of intimacy.  Leaving and/or withdrawing can feel like such a powerful weapon when I'm feeling vulnerable - which can feel like a state of powerlessness.  What I don't realize on a deeper level (although to my logical mind this seems absurd that I wouldn't know this) is that the punishment I imagine that I meet out on the other, really locks me away into a very dark and lonely place.

Anger and intimacy are challenging currents to negotiate.

Recently I have dealing with

Recently I have dealing with alot of  feelings of anger and rage. I have always been easily irritated with noises, interuptions etc. due to my hypersensitivity but lately I can't deal with any noise at all without feeling the rage that boils within me. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings and I have a hard time coping. Unfortunately my partner takes the brunt of it and I'm desperately trying not to become irritated.

Growing up in my family, I was unable to express anger so I recognize that it's been bottled up inside for years. I let my anger out through crying constantly but feel so alone in this. Although I know I need to celebrate my anger, I feel at times that it's overtaking me. I feel angry at the world at the moment but especially those people who show me love and acceptance. I've thought alot about quitting therapy because of my feelings of attachment. I have alot of anger and rage which I know stem from issues of abandonment.

Rage and abandonment

Sometimes I get so angry that I think about quitting therapy and I go into a fantasy of striding off into the sunset, devastating everyone I leave behind, and it's a great fantasy, it gives me a lot of comfort during those times when I am actually deeply wounded and need to lick my wounds in private. Then I need to really be with the reality that I could leave therapy any time, it's my choice. Given that I couldn't leave my childhood home when I was so angry and frustrated, it's really good to feel that now, I have the choice.

I was given lots of space with my individual therapist and in group to really chew that over, the option of leaving. I needed to explore it fully, and of course lots of feelings came out especially anger. And then, it blew over. I stayed and it was good to stay.

Maybe exploring your desire to leave therapy would help you tap into your deep rage? It might be a way in for you. 

 

2nd email to Carolyn

2nd email to Carolyn

2010-04-14

Hi Carolyn             :))) I was wondering if,  tomorrow { Thurs. April 15th } on Cee's 56th birthday could I phone you ??? and when you come on the line I will hand the phone to Cee as a Surprise :))) !!! If yes, ???  could it be sometime between 3pm <> til 6:30 p.m.    your time 4 pm <> til 7:30 p.m.  our time  Also, if yes, would you please send me your Phone #________________---??? Carolyn, {Cee is your sister }  <> Life is short,,,+++ plus ,,, Catherine or you or I did         <> NOTHING <> NOT A THING WRONG !!!     Take Care,,, cause we do CARE about YOU !!! Love,,,Peace,,,& SHINE bee from PEI   P.S. <> Note to Discussion board people  I would appreciate any comments from anyone, THANKS for All precious comments,,,I have found them all very helpful  !!! bee from PEI :)   

2nd e-mail to Carolyn: a response

Hi Bee, I'm thinking that it must be painful to feel such a disruption in your and Cee's relation to Carolyn, when you were just standing up against "the perpetrator". Eventhough I feel like you did the right thing and the courageous thing, it is a big price to pay - I can see how much you want to reconnect with Carolyn.

Also, what a precious gift to your partner for her birthday!

I appreciate your honest sharing with us here on the discussion board.

Oops !!! bee from PEI

01:48:01 See BELOW <> I want to send an email to Ron's wife, Carolyn. Carolyn, is my partner Catherine's, sister. My email is posted twice <>. Sorry about that Oops !!! :)) 

I would appreciate any and ALL comments before I  'PUSH' send, PLEASE !!!

Carolyn's email to Catherine is below my 2 emails !

Thanks in advance ! Bee from PEI     

Dear Bee

I really see how you are working to set the boundary in a loving way so that you can preserve the relationship with Carolyn.  You write clearly how you experienced the situation and I like how you leave room for other perspectives on what has happened - it is an invitation to dialogue; although not an easy invitation to make or I imagine for Carolyn to take up.

I wish you the best, keep us informed as to how this continues to unfold. 

Email to CAROLYN <> "PUSHING SEND" ! :)

2010-03-05 "THANKS" for your kind words of support. I must admit that this has been a tough week, putting my thoughts and feeling out there . However, I am "PUSHING SEND" as soon as I show the email to my partner, Catherine [Carolyn's sister} ! This is what I added to the email after praying about and sleeping on it !

Hi Carolyn:,,,, <> ADD to start of email

This email to you is part of my 'Birthday Present' to your mom, Lorna on this her 2010 - 1924= 86 BIRTHDAY :)  !!! & <> ADD to end of email   I pick a weekly Angel <>  this weeks card reads:                               <> RELATIONSHIP <> "Your primary relationship is with yourself and God, and every other relationship follows from there. To attract, heal, or balance a relationship, then snuggle more closely with your loving Creator. As you feel safe and loved within, so shall your other relationships bloom and prosper".   Carolyn, it is "YOUR DECISION" what you do next ! The ball is in your court :),,, Take care cause I do care about you ! P.S. Carolyn, your email to Catherine is below this email. Love, Peace, & SHINE <> That is it <> THANKS for listening  !!!  <>  bee from PEI

E-mail to Carolyn

Dear Bee, I imagine that stepping out like you are is very challenging - putting your thoughts and your feelings out like you are is a vulnerable step.  I really hear how much you do not want to loose the connection with Carolyn and at the same time your strong feelings of needing that boundary set around her partner.

Thank you for including us in your journey to work these realtionships out...

Taking a stand a good conscience boundary

I also admire your courage to stand up to a disturbed person who rages. Whether he listens or not, the confrontation is a boundary that may go inside somewhere. I am always glad when I am confronted when I have hurt someone although I may not like it at first, I am gratefully humbled to the core. The hope for our civilization is the ongoing development of a good conscience.

A healthy confrontation for conscience makes you a good gatekeeper for the next generation.

B from ontario

Ron's wife, Carolyn

Hi Carolyn, I am writing this email to you because I LOVE and I RESPECT YOU, and I need to tell you that YOU did nothing wrong, and I did nothing wrong, either !

I have been in this family for 11 + years, and EVERY time I have been in the presence of RON no matter if, it is in your home, Catherine & my home or your mom's home I have witnessed, his "VERBAL ABUSE" towards you, & your mom. I love your mom very much, the 1st time your mom gave me a card for my birthday  and she signed it <>  LOVE MOM, I cried ! My mother, died when I was 18 years old ! Your mom's is PRECIOUS to me !!! and our outings to her church are 'VERY SPECIAL" to me. Every story has 3 sides for example <>   1 side is BLACK  <> 1 side is WHITE AND  what really matters is the TRUTH which is in the Grey area ! I believe with ALL my heart that Ron was not going to apologize to anyone. My reasons are as follows: 1. He has been doing this for years and NO ONE confronts him. 2. I did not send the email to RON until 10 days after the incident. All Ron had to do is own it and apologize. His reply was an attach on me.  {I suggest that you read his email to me again.} Ron tried to separate me from this family ! It did not work !!! 3. Your mother, told Catherine, & Debbie & Theresa & me that Ron did NOT  apologize to her. 4. This is what your mom told us that she wanted to say to Ron.  [ from Lorna {age, 86} <> Ron, I am 24 years older than you and you should respect me ! Ron, when you take care of your own health issues, namely, <> STOP SMOKING, because of your heart attacks, and eat the right foods because of your diabetes, THEN , you can tell me what I should be doing about my health concerns} ! Your mom is very angry and hurt about how Ron treats her !!!]  ______________________________________________________------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Carolyn, this is my side of the story, and you can talk to your mom and Catherine & Debbie & Theresa if you want. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------________________________________________________ Carolyn, I am not putting any pressure on you. You can reply or not that is up to you. Catherine & I could meet you in Bangor or  Saint John or you could come here, that is up to you. The ONLY   request that I have from you is that you be kind enough to  just send an email and let me know that you, ie  <> "I received your email "!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_________________________________________________________ Carolyn, it is "YOUR DECISION" what you do next ! Take care cause I do care about you ! Love, Peace, & SHINE Bee from PEI P.S. Please see Carolyn's email below to her sister, my partner, Catherine.        Sent: Wed, February 10, 2010 10:48:30 AM
Subject: Hi Sis

I'm VERY SORRY it has taken me so long to write but frankly I had a hard time knowing what to say and I did not want to write when I was upset. I am DEEPLY embarrassed about what happened at Christmas.  However, what I think that people are not aware of is that Ron and Mom did talk on that Sunday before we left Saint John when we went to pick up our cooler and he apologized to her and they hugged and told each other they loved each other.    I did not want to leave for Vancouver without getting in touch with you.   I LOVE YOU SIS and I THANK YOU for your e-mail.   With Love and Hugs, Carolyn X0X0X0X0X0

0-03-04

2nd email to Carolyn

2010-04-14

Hi Carolyn             :))) I was wondering if,  tomorrow { Thurs. April 15th } on Cee's 56th birthday could I phone you ??? and when you come on the line I will hand the phone to Cee as a Surprise :))) !!! If yes, ???  could it be sometime between 3pm <> til 6:30 p.m.    your time 4 pm <> til 7:30 p.m.  our time  Also, if yes, would you please send me your Phone #________________---??? Carolyn, {Cee is your sister }  <> Life is short,,,+++ plus ,,, Catherine or you or I did         <> NOTHING <> NOT A THING WRONG !!!     Take Care,,, cause we do CARE about YOU !!! Love,,,Peace,,,& SHINE bee from PEI   P.S. <> Note to Discussion board people  I would appreciate any comments from anyone, THANKS for All precious comments,,,I have found them all very helpful  !!! bee from PEI :)   

Ron's wife, Carolyn

Hi Carolyn, I am writing this email to you because I LOVE and I RESPECT YOU, and I need to tell you that YOU did nothing wrong, and I did nothing wrong, either !

I have been in this family for 11 + years, and EVERY time I have been in the presence of RON no matter if, it is in your home, Catherine & my home or your mom's home I have witnessed, his "VERBAL ABUSE" towards you, & your mom. I love your mom very much, the 1st time your mom gave me a card for my birthday  and she signed it <>  LOVE MOM, I cried ! My mother, died when I was 18 years old ! Your mom's is PRECIOUS to me !!! and our outings to her church are 'VERY SPECIAL" to me. Every story has 3 sides for example <>   1 side is BLACK  <> 1 side is WHITE AND  what really matters is the TRUTH which is in the Grey area ! I believe with ALL my heart that Ron was not going to apologize to anyone. My reasons are as follows: 1. He has been doing this for years and NO ONE confronts him. 2. I did not send the email to RON until 10 days after the incident. All Ron had to do is own it and apologize. His reply was an attach on me.  {I suggest that you read his email to me again.} Ron tried to separate me from this family ! It did not work !!! 3. Your mother, told Catherine, & Debbie & Theresa & me that Ron did NOT  apologize to her. 4. This is what your mom told us that she wanted to say to Ron.  [ from Lorna {age, 86} <> Ron, I am 24 years older than you and you should respect me ! Ron, when you take care of your own health issues, namely, <> STOP SMOKING, because of your heart attacks, and eat the right foods because of your diabetes, THEN , you can tell me what I should be doing about my health concerns} ! Your mom is very angry and hurt about how Ron treats her !!!]  ______________________________________________________------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Carolyn, this is my side of the story, and you can talk to your mom and Catherine & Debbie & Theresa if you want. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------________________________________________________ Carolyn, I am not putting any pressure on you. You can reply or not that is up to you. Catherine & I could meet you in Bangor or  Saint John or you could come here, that is up to you. The ONLY   request that I have from you is that you be kind enough to  just send an email and let me know that you, ie  <> "I received your email "!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_________________________________________________________ Carolyn, it is "YOUR DECISION" what you do next ! Take care cause I do care about you ! Love, Peace, & SHINE Bee from PEI P.S. Please see Carolyn's email below to her sister, my partner, Catherine.        Sent: Wed, February 10, 2010 10:48:30 AM
Subject: Hi Sis

I'm VERY SORRY it has taken me so long to write but frankly I had a hard time knowing what to say and I did not want to write when I was upset. I am DEEPLY embarrassed about what happened at Christmas.  However, what I think that people are not aware of is that Ron and Mom did talk on that Sunday before we left Saint John when we went to pick up our cooler and he apologized to her and they hugged and told each other they loved each other.    I did not want to leave for Vancouver without getting in touch with you.   I LOVE YOU SIS and I THANK YOU for your e-mail.   With Love and Hugs, Carolyn X0X0X0X0X0

0-03-04

Ron's Reply To Bee

2009-12-30 Needless to say Ron has disowned me. However, I did know that was the price I might pay. He has been controlling and abusing this family with his RAGE  for over 40 years and no one confronts him. For 10 years I have watched him, and I decided it was time, right or wrong. I just could not let this go and pretend that nothing happened. Lorna is 85 years old and she is afraid of him, she does not deserve this abuse on a regular basis. Now the  "Secret"  is out in the open  and the other family members can make there own decisions about Ron. I would appreciate any comments. Bee from PEI

   

I just want to support you in

I just want to support you in breaking the cycle of violence and rage. It is a couragious action - cracking open the family secret. I grew up in a family of secret rage, and even though I know it would have felt terrifying if someone had outed us - at the same time, I do wish someone had. There is no healing in silent suffering.

bee's reply to ron

Well done, Bee!

To quote Nobel Peace Prize winner Elie Wiesel:  We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

You have taken a stand and made it clear that you will no longer tolerate abuse in any form. I admire your courage and willingness to pay whatever price is necessary. You stand as an example for the rest of us who are sometimes too willing to say "It's none of my business".

My email to RON about his Behaviour / Rage

2009-12-29 . I have set this issue aside for 10 days & I prayed for guidance and this is the email that I sent to Ron. 

Hi Ron : I want you to know that you verbal abuse towards, Lorna in her home, on Dec. 19th, is not acceptable. This is not the 1st time I have witnessed ``YOUR RAGE`` both toward Lorna & your wife, Carolyn. You owe an apology to Lorna & Carolyn. You also owe an apology to everyone present, namely : Catherine & Ted & Theresa & Debbie & Diane & Gary & myself. You have passed ``YOUR RAGE`` on to your son, Evan. As I have also, witnessed his verbal abuse toward his grandmother, Lorna & his mother, Carolyn.

I pray that your beautiful granddaughter, Maggie does NOT continue this cycle of verbal abuse, RAGE.

I also pray that you get some help.

{I would appreciate any thoughts or comments, please ,,, Thanks for hearing me.  Bee from PEI.

 

     

Love this quote for relationship

Rumi said" Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there"

This is what we are learing in the OPC psychotherapy program. We learn about our ideas that are harmful to others and we learn about our ideas that are right for us but when it comes to meeting the other, we heal the ideas that are wrong, honour the ideas that are right for us and give up both to meet someone in the intersubjective field between two people.

An abuser hasn't learned what wrong ideas are for his or her self in order to replace them for right ideas for his or her self and then then learn to give them both up to understand deep connection with the other.

Rumi quote

what an amazing thought!  I just had to respond even though I feel like I need time to process what it means for me, but somehow it resonates very deeply.

I will sit with this...and come back to this discussion later.

Witnessing RAGE toward someone I LOVE

2009-12-23 I want Christmas to be a time of Peace & Love & Sharing, however I know that this is not always the experience. Last weekend we [my partner, Cee & me] went to Saint John, N.B. to celebrate with Cee's mom, Lorna and family. Everyone was having a 'GREAT' time. Until Cee's sister's husband, Ron starting "RAGING" at Cee's mom, Lorna.{age 85} He was telling her that she should go to the EMERGENCY about her pain,,,he went on & on & on. ,,,also,,,telling Cee's family, if, I lived here<>  I would just take her,,,,etc it would Not be her decision,,,etc . etc. etc. He RAGED at his wife, Carolyn, as well. I confronted him and he ended up storming out and not saying goodbye to anyone,,,blowing the horn in his truck for Carolyn to 'hurry-up'.This is not the 1st time this has happened, I am in Cee's Family for 10+ years. Cee is 55 years old and says he has been doing this to, her mom, to Cee, & to his, wife  Carolyn,,,etc. for 30+++years. I know that I can NOT change Ron. I also know that if Ron is present I can leave. However, he is "VERBALLY BATTERING Cee's mom, Lorna  and Cee's sister, Carolyn. This has got to STOP, now. The irony of all of this is he has a Master's in Social Work +++ he, is the Director of an agency. He was NOT DRUNK. I would appreciate any comments or thoughts. Thanks for listening !!! PEACE <> Bee from PEI <>

 

 

 

 

A right to be happy and have a clear voice

Dear Bee and Cee:

Unfortunately elder abuse is alive and well. It sounds like the brother-in-law not only has some mental illness but also has anger and violence attached to his way of being. Old or young verbal abuse is unacceptable so making strong boundaries is always the plan so that the abuser feels put in his place. You have a lot of woman power there and I bet you are all strong women that have a voice to say that this behavior is wrong and his misery doesn’t have to be our misery.

A cut off from abuse is a natural consequence for the abuser and those that he tries to abuse have a right to be happy separate and apart from him (even Carolyn can be in the same space yet separate and apart).  I am sending strength and power to Carolyn so that she doesn’t loose her self-esteem in any given abuse.

Happy New Year to you and your families

Rage

Dear Bee, thank you for your post - it is certainly an apt time for it as many are getting together with family (and extended family) and this is often a challenging exprience for many.

Good for you at confronting Ron about his behaviour - even as he did not repsond well to it.  It takes a lot to address a rager and try to set some boundaries around that behaviour.  But I also know the feeling that verbal battering (whether directed at me or not) generates in my body - there is certainly an absorption and impact to being present to that kind of energy.

I have found that in my own experience - "bullies" - need firm, unwavering boundaries.  This is not always easy to accomplish because it inevitably generates tension and holding this tension is a challenge.  Nevertheless, it does sound like you've begun the process of boundarying him, again, well done!

May the rest of your holiday season be one of peace and community!   

Anger as a Young Child

Thank you to those who posted on anger as I too can relate.  For most of my childhood and teenage years I was a very angry young girl.  I had an extremely explosive temper usually directed at my dad or my little sister.  Up until the time when my younger sister came along my dad was my world.  It was he who I emulated.  I wanted to go everywhere with him.  I remember a family photo when I was 4 years old.  The photographer initially placed me beside my mother and I remember insisting that I be close to my dad.  In the picture my dress is scrunched up a little because I am leaning so heavily into my father.  Shortly after my younger sister came along my world as I knew it drastically changed.  My father initially did not want my younger sister and in so many words told my mother this.  He refused to touch or hold her when she was born.  After a month my mother forcibly put my little sister into his arms and from that point on he became obsessively focused and protective of her.  As a result he completely rejected me and my relationship with him radically changed.  The older I became the angrier I became.  My dad and I fought viciously and he became emotionally abusive towards me.  I never backed down to him thus a huge fight always ensued.  I did not know how to handle my anger and as someone else posted at times I too turned it inward sometimes hitting myself or objects to the point of bruising my hands.  After I left home I began to really bury that anger because I felt that I should just forgive and move on.  However, I know that this anger is still deeply rooted inside of me and I find it now difficult to access.  In my therapy I have made some small steps to getting in touch with the anger but I know that I have a long way to go in this area.  Sometimes I find it very frustrating because I recall the young girl whose anger was so ready assessable to her and now I find it difficult to get in touch with.  I know that I want to deal with this anger as it is coming out “sideways” in other areas of my life.  Thank you to those who have posted on this discussion board as I read your struggles I realize that there are many others who are wrestling with the same types of issues and I find that reading your postings is helpful to me in my therapeutic journey.

 At a very early age, I

 At a very early age, I learned to fear anger and at the same time be confused by it.  I watched as my parents strapped my siblings with a belt when they were angry at them, but I also remember being told that getting angry wasn't nice.  As a result I internalized anger,often turning it against myself. I still do it. I get angry at someone but instead of expressing it to them, I hold it in until I feel nothing, or I pound it out on something. I have dents in my car from pounding it. I sometimes feel that I have such a build up of anger that one day I will explode. I never recognized anger as an emotion, only as a reaction.

I have huge anger that I am

I have huge anger that I am trying to work through. In my daily life - it comes out when I over-react to situations that may be annoying, but are really not the end of the world. In the moment - I feel as if they are, or I want to kill someone. My anger feels like a dangerous volcano about to erupt. It scares people - and as I become more aware of it - it scares me.

I am working through it in therapy - anger work - which I hate - because it requires that I express it in front of my therapist,when I would prefer to hide it. I feel deep shame around my anger. I am getting better at accessing it however - and I am learning that my anger often hides other layers of feeling. I am afraid of it, but it also feels powerful and actually protects me from the helplessness and pain of my grief and vulnerability. Its all pretty mixed up inside of me right now - I am a work in progress....

How I worked with deeply ingrained anger

In my early twenties I came across a person who told me about psychotherapy and that when you work with therapy, you work with everything in your life.

He turned out to be a counsellor and psychotherapist and I started my therapy journey with him. It was the first time I felt unconditional love and heard. I needed to do further work with some deeply ingrained anger from my childhood and from a cultural that didn't respect women. I worked with him for a few months and unfortunately he was moving to another country so he referred me to a female therapist and we began to work with my anger by bioenergetics. I was allowed to express my deep rage with my counsellor in order to move to deeper issues such as my fear and pain.

I would say that that working with this technique with my counsellor saved my life as my anger was too toxic and burdensome for me to carry.

I feel like I owe my life to my therapists by discovering my own life.