Anxiety, depression, fear, low self-esteem

We invite your comments, reflections and questions about anxiety, depression, fear, low self-esteem.
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Do I have depression

Of late I think I am coping badly with my life and I get depressed easily. I keep crying alone when no one is around and I keep having images of killing myself in various situations. I suspect that I may have depression but when I told my friend, she said that people who have depression do not know the origin of their depression - and that since I know what bothers me I am not having depression, just depressed. Personally she is afflicted with depression but I'm still not very convinced by her answer, so if there's anyone who can affirm her claim that would be great. Thank you.

I guess I had a reaction when

I guess I had a reaction when I read your post. I felt as if your friend was taking away from your experience of depression and somehow judging it as according to her own scale. Though - that may not be fair and have more to do with my stuff. I also struggle a little with labels. Maybe I am a little naïve, but I think that feeling depression is depression, and it doesn't matter whether you know why you're depressed or not.

I have suffered from depression in the past. I thought I knew why I was depressed, and then through therapy I discovered that there were deeper issues then I had realized. I remember thinking that I was depressed because I was lonely and not in a relationship. Now, when I look back I can see how complicated it was. I was depressed because I came from a crazy making and abusive family, and my depression was a natural response to that.  I had no hope of anything changing. I was lost and stuck and I couldn't see my way out of the confines of my world view. I learned that I was also afraid of my feelings, and my isolation, and ironically of being intimate even though that is what I longed for.

So - over time, (in therapy) my world view has changed. My self view has changed. I have had to own stuff that I didn't want to. I had a loving witness in my therapist who was able to hold all of me. My depression is gone.

Now - I want to qualify that. What I call my depression is gone - because it was all encompassing and lasted for months and years. I often wanted to kill myself. Now - I do experience what I call mini depressions. They hurt. I am experiencing one right now and struggling with it. But - what is different is that I have faith that it will pass. It feels horrible, but I can put it into a context in my life now that makes it manageable.

I think that when we go through difficult times, we can have these mini depressions that do pass. When they don't, and we can't pull ourselves out of them, then they become full depressions. Either way though, it is painful, and we need help. I think that anytime the pain is so hard to bear that we consider suicide as the best way out, then it doesn’t matter what we call it. We are in need of help.

Dear 'do I have depression?'

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, and I really hear how much you are suffering.  It seems to me that was is really important is that your suffering is very real and difficult or troubling to manage.  The isolation and darkness of the place that you are living in right now sounds really tough.  While its positive that you know what is troubling you, that doesn't make it any easier to handle or bear necessarily.

I hope that you are able to find some support, even as it might be hard to reach out for right now.  Even if you continue to share your unfolding story with us.

just curious

 

I've been in therapy for a few years now, and have asked my therapist  a number of times why my questions are always answered by questions. Is this typical of all therapists? Just once I would like a true answer. Can anyone give the answer to this question?

Just Curious

I really hear your frustration and its not easy to tolerate the tension created while a therapist helps to facilitate one's own discovery of "truth".  This might be a good discussion to engage your therapist in.  Stay with the process and be with your frustration - its all part of the journey that you are on.

High Stress and Anxiety

I am presently undergoing a time of high anxiety around a sudden medical problem that has just ocurred for a family member. The shock of it's seriousness (loss of sight in one eye) is really frightening and difficult to come to terms with. There will be surgery this week to restore sight (hopefully)  but staying sane with the medical system is causing both of us much stress. We are doing the best we can with it but are frequently anxious and frustrated. At the end of last week we were 48 hours without sleep while we negotiated our way through the medical system.  Some hours ( and we are going hour by hour) are better than others while we wait for firm details such as time of the surgery and just what to expect.

 I thought it might help to put it out on this board. We are struggling to hold on to what seems like an eternity to obtain information.

High Stress and Anxiety

Two days before the surgery we still had not recieved a booking for a preoperative physical which is a requirement. I found it impossible to reach the surgeon's office. His office staff had not booked the physical. I had made a total of 6 calls and was told to call the next day . When I placed the 7th call the office voicemail said no calls were being taken that day and they would try and check voicemail every two hours. The voicemail box was full and no messages could be left. Without this exam the surgery could not occur. I called the hospital main number to check the surgery was booked. It was booked but I was instructed that without the physical it could not occur. I was given a number for Patient Affairs. I explained what had happened and within 10 minutes I received a call from them with a booking for the physical. The day of the physical we discovered that we were missing a prescription that should have been administered two days prior to the surgery. We had not been given this prescription. Once again I could not get through to the surgeon's office. I called the hospital main number and asked to be connected to the surgeon on duty in the field we needed. He returned the call and agreed to call our drug store for the prescition to be filled. We picked it up but the patient was not able to take it for the prescribed time due to its late arrival. We were also missing a required set of paper work need for after care instructions. I had made two attempts to obtain this package to no avail. I called patient affairs again and on the day of the physical, a new prescrition was waiting for us along with the package we needed.

I have documented what we have been through and will be sending it to the hospital Patient Affairs. My concern is that we have been unnecissarily stressed and I am sure many others have had a similar experience. The surgery itself was stressful enough without an experience like this causing so much anxiety.

GOOD NEWS.

The surgery was yesterday and the prognosis looks good. Time will tell.

I fought the hard fight with the medical system for my family member. I am sure there are others may not not have known how to do that nor should they have to . I hope with my documentation that something can be done to assist other so thay do not have the experience we went through.

being an advocate for a patient

As a former medical secretary, I feel really angry about your struggle with the surgeon's office. In my opinion the medical secretary there did not do his/her job!! And also, from my experience, it is absolutely crucial that a patient have an advocate with them to help navigate the medical and hospital system. There is so much information to keep track of. I found that the patients who did have an advocate were more able to keep their appointments and manage their health. That said, I always made reminder phone calls and always tried to answer the phone when it rang!

I'm glad for your good news.

HIgh Anxiety And Stress & Being an Advocate for a Patient

I wrote the original posting concerning navigating the medical system. A medical concern arose for the patient and once again there was no way to get through to the doctors office. One more time I contacted patient affairs and was on the verge of calling the resident on duty at the hospital in the field concerned. That number had been provided for weekend use. We waited a day and had not heard from patient affairs.

However. on Friday a call came into our home from the surgeon involved. He apologised for everything my family mamber (and myself) had been through. He said that he had undergone a significant office change and many of his patients had been caught in the upheaval. He said thet he was truly sorry for the stress that had been caused to my family member and although he had undergone a significant office change, it unfortunaltey caused a lot of stress to his patients. My family member was able to present his concerns and have them answered. There is also a follow up appointment that has now been booked for this Thursday along with conference around a second small surgery that has to be performed.

   It was wonderful to receive this call but so much unnecessary stress could have been avoided. I have the knowledge concerning the procedures to follow when a system does not provide what it should. How any others have been caught amidst this upheaval and have suffered physical and emotional damage becuase of it?

I hope th surgeon will carefully look at what has happened with his portion of the medical system and how it has caused serious effects on others also who may not have been able to get through the system.

High stress....

Wow! You were an incredible advocate for your family member.  I admire your perseverance and am glad to hear that the surgery went well.  And good for you to continue to fight for others who have likely experienced or will experience these kinds of issues with our medical system.

I have often thought that doctors, etc. ought to be like "big parents" that carry us through illness - the preferct care-givers that allow the one who is sick to just be.  And yet I've come to realize that this is a fantasy - I am still in charge and responsible for  my own health.  This is not to say that your exprience is o.k. - because its not...the system should not be that difficult to navigate.  However, your struggle has reminded me of the fantasy that I can carry around illness and the medical system.

  

High Anxiety

Yes, thank you for sharing what you are going through...I can really hear the challenge of navigating the medical system and the fear of loosing sight.  I do know the feeling of just making it through each hour...sometimes each minute...and it can be really excruiating. 

Let us know the outcome...

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your anxiety and worry. I hope the surgery goes well. Please let us know!

depression is a bitch

Not alot of sunny days happening. Depression is a bitch. Takes days out of your life. Have to work at feeling o.k everyday. I feel so ripped off with how many times I have gone through depression. Reactive ones but know I think it is an imbalance in my system somehow. For all those who feel afflicted with this right now, hang in. Reach out.

Depression is a bitch

I can relate to what you said.  I go through bouts of depression and also feel ripped off by the fact that I have to once again 'work at feeling ok'.  For me, it feels situational because it gets triggered when life doesn't run smoothly.  I wasn't taught coping skills as a child, so when my life gets derailed I have difficulty keeping everything in check and holding it all in context.  I just seemed to go right to the 'my life sucks and will never get better' place and have a hard time seeing the bigger picture and how I will get past it to a better place eventually.  I often ask myself, 'why can't I be one of those people that can deal with everything that comes their way with clarity and purpose and find solutions without falling apart first?"

When I read the last part that said 'Reach out', it reminded me how hard it is to do that because depression is such an isolating experience, but also how important it is to do so.  Thanks so much for your post, I am comforted when I read that I am not alone in my experience. Be well. 

physical tension

This is a bad time of year for me. Around my birthday, a shroud comes over me. I think it has to do with being given up for adoption. All month, struggling with a weird kind of depression. So aware of how many times I have gone through this. The physical tension it causes in my body is totally distracting. I am so aware of how lonely I have been for so long. Not right. So hard to accept it, even though I know resisting the feelings, fighting them only causes more tension. Have spent most of the day trying to ease the physical anxiety. When this depression lifts I will never want to see herbal tea again!

I find it hard sometimes to read our books. I am afraid I will discover that I somehow damaged my kids, or will read something and say " oh god that is why I am so screwed up!"

Hang in!  Although I was not

Hang in!  Although I was not adopted I can really relate to the physical tension that you are feeling in your body.  I struggle with depression and right now I feel down and it is hard to get going.  My body wants to sit and do nothing!  At these times I know that it is important to move and do some exercise.  It is amazing how much our bodies and our feelings are conected. Keep on keeping on!

I've spent so much time alone

I've spent so much time alone in my life, that I often think that I really don't know what it is to truly be with others. I wonder about my ability to relearn this. Is that possible? what if I suddenly weren't alone, would I know how to manage that... Someone said something the other day that really resonated with me. The silence and being alone was at times a place of comfort and something they liked...I could really understand this. I like to have some quiet alone time, time to figure things out, to reflect, to talk to myself(not out loud mind you lol) and just be in the world, but on the other side much of the time the alone that I feel is really painful. Some days it feels as though everyone else has someone and it's just me alone in the world and I think why? why did the universe decide that I would be such a loner. I feel like I'm forever the girl looking in the window

So I can really relate...for me it's that orphan feeling. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Like the last poster I want to offer thoughts and suggestions to help you to feel better and less alone, what I can say is that I can hold your lonliness and I really hear how such deep feelings manifest in your body and appreciate how hard that must be for you. You are not alone in feeling alone! 

Thanks for sharing your fear

Thanks for sharing your fear and tension and sadness and loneliness. Your post is very stirring, I want to help you out and give you advice on how to get rid of the depression and also the fear in reading the books, but I know the urge to help is usually a way of avoiding the feelings...I guess I resonate with your loneliness as an infant and rather than stay with that I thought of these great suggestions for you, which I will spare you.

I know about loneliness as an adult too, along with anxiety they are the two worst feelings to have, in my experience. Loneliness is so hard to bear and in my case I think it is the first feeling I ever had, back to infancy, loneliness is the bedrock of my personality, I feel. 

I hope your depression lifts soon and that you don't have to have any herbal tea for a long time!

Physically & Mentally Exhausted...

I am so physically and mentally exhausted from suffering with anxiety and depression.  I have a family who does not truly understand, but tries. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I have passed out once.  I know when an attack is coming on I get this tingling sensation throughout my body and then bam all these unbearable feelings and things happen.  Racing heart, dizziness, lightheaded, vomiting, diarrhea, shakes, my skin burns and no one can tough me cause it makes it worse, twirling, panic of dying, fear, racing thoughts and a million others. Most anxieties are suppost to peak within 30 minutes and you have the worst in the first ten minutes, but unfortunately for me it can last for hours on end going up and down over and over again.  It's like my world is completely out of control and in complete chaos. I perpusly avoid situations just to prevent an attack from happening.  I avoid sleeping in my bed with my boyfriend of 11 years, I avoid talking on the phone at times and a new one I hate high traffic areas it panics me because I am closter phobic due to and incident when I was younger.  Its horrifying as a person to feel so helpless and out of control and it is completely exhausting both physically and mentally.  I am on meds and am tired of taking them as they seem to only work for so long and unfortunately I am not one for trial and error as my body reacts horribly.  My biggest wish is to be able to deal with this without fear and meds. I want to be able to control it on my own and know that everything is going to be fine. I want to be able to experience things I refuse to do because of my anxiety. I want freedom, I just want to know what it feels like to be completely free of myself.  2009-11-02

Anxiety

I cannot say that I suffer in the same way, but I can say that my anxiety is debilitating. I too long to be free of it. I long to be able to just throw something away and know that "I" will still be here even after it is gone. I have a basement of stuff just in case there is a treasure in there, but when I find the treasures, the truth is I don't know what to do with it. The process of even trying to, of even thinking of trying to, go into the storage area makes me go "fuzzy" in the head.

Right now what is really sending me off the deep end is my finances. They are also a mess and it feels like there is no hope of this mess ever ending. I woke up in the middle of the night so fool of anxiety and helplessness, that I couldn't fall back asleep. I just kept going over all the dept and taxes I owe and lack of work, but the more you work the more you owe and so on.

So today I am having a bad day. My head is fuzzy, I feel like I am trying very hard to get things done and it seems like there is only more to do. My memory is so bad sometimes and I just want to do something mindless, just get through the days and not have to worry about all this. 

I keep pushing myself, then falling back as the anxiety mounts. I wish I could be more calm and more confident. Sometimes I wish it would just all go away.

I was very moved by your

I was very moved by your posting and have a great amount of compassion for you as I can truly relate to what you are currently experiencing.  I understand your feeling of feeling mentally and physically exhaused.  It is over 10 years now since I started to experience intense anxiety.  The feelings were so unfamiliar and so overwhelming to me.  I too began to avoid situations just in case I would experience anxiety.  I lived in what seemed then almost of constant state of adrenalin running through my veins.  It was the same feeling as when something scares you and you have those few seconds of intense fear and then the adrenalin rush.  This type of feeling would continue for sometimes over an hour.  I decided to go on medication after a year and a half and the one good thing was that I hit the jackpot with the first medication and it worked well.  Unlike you I did not have to go through the struggle of trying different medications.  I stayed on the medication for 6 years and to be honest with you it mitigated most of my symptoms.  However, for me one of the most disturbing side effects of my medication was that I was completely emotionally shut down.  The medication stopped the feeling of anxiety but it also put the rest of emotions to sleep. 

A little over 3 years ago I decided to wean myself of my medication (under the supervision of my doctor).  At this point I was also seeing my therapist on a weekly basis.  I wish that I could tell you that when I came off of my medication I was miraculously anxiety free.  Unfortunately, this was not the case.  I began to experience anxiety again, but not to the same degree as before.  However, I was and am very committed to dealing with my anxiety without the use of medication.  I am not alone on this journey as I have the wonderful support, help and dedication of my psychotherapist.  We have approached the issue of anxiety on a two fold basis.  One is dealing with the root of my anxiety which predominantly stems back to my childhood.  The other avenue is through a cognitive behavioural program.  She has truly encouraged to me stretch beyond my fears.  I really heard you when you spoke of avoiding situations because of the fear of having an anxiety attack.  At times, my job requires me be away from home for a night or two and this use to cause to go into a tailspin.  I would try to think of ways to get out of it.  However, with the cognitive behavioural program my therapist encouraged me to face my fears and not let the anxiety control my life.  I can honestly say that I was able to rely upon her strength and belief in me when I felt (and still do at times) feel weak and sometimes lack the faith in myself.  I guess I shared the above to let you know that there is hope for you.  I have walked a similar journey.  You said in your post that your biggest wish is to be able to deal with this without fear and meds.  I want to encourage you that with the support of a skilled psychotherapist  this is possible.

I feel crappy whenever someone gets upset

Whenever I accidentally do something wrong through absent mindedness, I feel very horrible about it. However if the other party were to be really angry and verbally express their anger loudly something within me would snap and I turn into waterworks. A bit pathetic. And then I feel so crappy that I feel nauseated, as if all of my organs are squished up against the lungs. Whenever I feel like this I alternate between self-loathing and anger and hopelessness and a deep yearning to do something like peeling the dry skin of my lips. Or lately it's shaving my hair (I'm a girl so it's not something I had ever tried). This affects me so much I would just breakdown and hoovers over my mind even when I try to work.

I suspect I am mentally unsound but I can't summon the words to say it face to face with a counsellor. Am I just being whiney with my own problems and unable to face them?

Good luck

You should deffinitely seek the advice of a qualified therapist, but I for one find your level of awareness (or hyper awareness) for the emotions of others to be a goood thing. you show a great deal of empathy, but it seems to border on codependant for you. Work on respecting your boundaries and everything will fall in line. Dan for Bridges To Recovery

Anxiety in relation to others

Your post stayed in my mind since I read it last night. I too struggle with dissapointing others in my life, and feel panic when it happens, or even at the thought of it happening. While I am very good at NOT dissapointing others, I have learned that it is inevitable, for I cannot always satisfy others. I am not always focussed on them. Sometimes, I think I have dissapointed someone but realize that they don't feel this way -- it is just me projecting that they do! And other times, I have had to learn that the expectations of others can be unrealistic. Some people in my life are not responsible of thier own issues/needs, and expect too much of me. And sometimes, I do "fail" to be perfect.

I also use language of being "pathetic" to describe myself, but I am trying to change this. I don't think we are "mentally unsound" because we have strong body-emotion reactions  when we feel we have angered others, though I know it it is not fun.  I am trying to have compassion for myself, and see myself as person that places (because of my past) a lot of value in making those who I interact with happy. While it causes problems for me, I am trying to see this as a wonderful part of who I am -- it is not a "bad" thing really.

I see you as a person who has a lot if insights about yourself, even if they frustrate and are painful for you. You recognize that you are unhappy and wish to change, and I hope that you can find compassion for yourself in this journey. When I hear the voice that says I am pathetic and damaged, I try and summon another voice that sees my emotional struggles as part of being human, and values the postive things about myeslf. I hope you find friends and a counsellor that can support you seeing this part of yourself, for I have found it has helped me to have supportive people around.

I wish you all the best. 

About disappointment

Yes, I think that's very true - I seem to be unable to let go things that I am upset about, even more so especially if I can't change it because it's beyond my control. I suppose I have to deal with that part of myself.

 

Thank you so much. I am now discovering that I had people that cared about me that I never knew about in fact. Hopefully I would find a healthy way to resolve it all soon.

Anxiety in realtion to others

Your post stayed in my mind since I read it last night. I too struggle with dissapointing others in my life, and feel panic when it happens, or even at the thought of it happening. While I am very good at NOT dissapointing others, I have learned that it is inevitable, for I cannot always satisfy others. I am not always focussed on them. Sometimes, I think I have dissapointed someone but realize that they don't feel this way -- it is just me projecting that they do! And other times, I have had to learn that the expectations of others can be unrealistic. Some people in my life are not responsible of thier own issues/needs, and expect too much of me. And sometimes, I do "fail" to be perfect.

I also use language of being "pathetic" to describe myself, but I am trying to change this. I don't think we are "mentally unsound" because we have strong body-emotion reactions  when we feel we have angered others, though I know it it is not fun.  I am trying to have compassion for myself, and see myself as person that places (because of my past) a lot of value in making those who I interact with happy. While it causes problems for me, I am trying to see this as a wonderful part of who I am -- it is not a "bad" thing really.

I see you as a person who has a lot if insights about yourself, even if they frustrate and are painful for you. You recognize that you are unhappy and wish to change, and I hope that you can find compassion for yourself in this journey. When I hear the voice that says I am pathetic and damaged, I try and summon another voice that sees my emotional struggles as part of being human, and values the postive things about myeslf. I hope you find friends and a counsellor that can support you seeing this part of yourself, for I have found it has helped me to have supportive people around.

I wish you all the best. 

Physical relief for feelings

When I am feeling tense and out-of-control and self-loathing, I obsessively pick my face for pimples, blackheads, etc., making my skin bleed and leaving scabs that are ugly, but it's relief.  That's normal for me, though a lot of people might think it's mentally unsound. Also sometimes when I feel anxious, like today after a fight with my girlfriend in which I was in the wrong, I eat something that will hurt me, like popcorn which really hurts my stomach...then the pain is physical too, not just emotional.

I'm not sure but it sounds like you feel humiliated in the situations you described...I hate feeling humiliated myself.

I think writing on this discussion board so honestly is facing your problems, I didn't detect a single whine. 

thank you

It's nice to have a reply. I hope you can find your own relief in healthier ways. I've finally scheduled a slot with a counsellor and my friend promises to be there to help me. Good luck to you too.

Anxiety & struggle

I am struck by your bravery to face the pain and shame that you carry...it is never easy to make that first step to find a counsellor/therapist.  It takes tremendous courage and what a priviledge it is to be a witness to your beginning journey...wow!!

Thank you for your post and I hope you will continue to write us with your insights.  Your honesty touches people.

Change and anxiety

I have recently had a major change in my life, something that is quite positive and yet I find myself really struggling with feelings of anxiety, discomfort and a sense of not being safe.  It has actaully taken me off guard a bit because I didn't think I would have this kind of reaction to a new situation - I thought I wasn't as troubled by change as I used to be; obviously, I'm learning that that's not the case.

Sometimes I wish deeply that I could just enjoy new positive changes in my life and not get so hung up on the fact that its "change" - I feel thrown back into the sense of chaos that I experienced as a child; and despite knowing this fact, I am not able to throw off these feelings.  Each day feels like a challenge and something in me feels like it shouldn't be like this.

Anxiety, Fear and Indicision

For the past three or four days I have been suffering from a lot of anxiety around an important decision that I need to make concerning the possiblility of an opportunity that may be out there. It is not a certain thing but if it materialises, it will be a good thing .I am not sleeping well becuase I can 't seem to make the decision one way or the other. It is hanging over me feeling like a rock balancing precariously on a precipice. Then the fear enters in . It intercedes telling me if I deicde in one particular way and everything falls apart, I will be in a worse state. There is also money involved and that really frightens me. I feel lost in a an all too familiar place that has existed in my past.

I am struggling.

anxiety and indecision

I can really hear the fear and tension that you are holding with the question of the unknown.  It is never easy to move into these spaces and trust your own sense of intuition.  I know that for myself, it has been a long journey in learning to trust my own inner wisdom and guidance; but what I have learned is that I do hold the best wisdom for my own life.  And for me this seems to be a combination of feelings and mind - sometimes my feelings (or my gut response) is the key; and at other times i have to wade through my feelings and go with what i know to be true.

Regardless though, stepping into an unknown is always challenging - so I hear your struggle.

Thank-you for your response.

Thank-you for your response. I was in quite an agitated state when I wrote this posting. I want to share with you that I was able to pay attention to my "gut response". I had to sit and work out some financial considerations as well as some other important variables that are affecting the situation. I have been able to make a descision and I now feel at peace with it. It is one that I know will work for me at the moment. In a few months I will be in a different situation and if the opportunity is still out there, I will be able to reconsider it.

   It was so wonderful for me to have this discussion board to be able to "spell" out my situation. To see a response was even more helpful and the wisdom contained within it feels true to me.

 

Do you ever feel like running away?

For the most part I have a pretty good life, things are generally going really well...and then I sometimes hit this wall and a voice from somewhere deep, deep inside just cries out, I want out...I don't want to be here anymore...I want to get away...I want to go away.  These feelings feel very young, and they don't entirely make sense to me because nothing is so bad right now...and yet they can feel so "bedrock".

 

I'm frightened that I will be the next person to die

I just heard from a friend that her sister, who is exactly the same age as me, has advanced bone cancer and that she will soon be in palliative care.  In the last two years, friends or acquaintaces who are my age or thereabouts have died.  I realize this is irrational but I'm feeling very scared.

My friend's sister, like me, has depression.  She is a quiet, thoughtful absolutely decent person. I've only met her a few times but I liked her very much and identified strongly with her.  Now she's dying.  Two years ago I lost a very close friend and I miss her very much to this day.  There's truly a hole in my life. The other person who died that year was more of an acquaintace but she was exactly my age. I think I will be the third person in this two year span who will die.

There have been times in my life where I would have been more than happy to die.  Thankfully that time has past and I no longer want to die.  This is a very scary feeling for me.  Any comments or suggestions would be most welcome.

 

 

fear of dying

I recently lost a good friend to cancer and what he taught his friends is that death can be a friend. the next step in the natural order of things, like opening a door into another realm. The end of pain for both him and his family and friends who watched as the cancer ate at his body. He was an amazing person, and being with him was a joy. His outlook changed the thoughts re: death for many of his friends. He told us that death comes to everyone so it is not to be feared, but when the time comes to be welcomed as a friend.

fear of dying

Thank you for sharing your experience with loosing someone and your thoughts on the meaning and fear of death.   Someone once shared with me that to engage deeply and meaningfully with life is a way to challenge the fear of death.  This really struck me profoundly - that the more I "live" the less death scares me.   If I am filled, I do not have to fear that something is taken from me.  It sounds to me like your friend learned this lesson and what a great legacy to leave behind that others could learn form him!    

Thank you for sharing your fear of death

I am touched by your post. Thank you for sharing your fears. Actually it sounds like you are in terror right now, gripped by it totally. That must be very hard to bear. It took strength to reach out on this board! Perhaps you are waiting anxiously for responses...

I wish I knew the right thing to say.  The only think I can think of to share is that when I have been gripped by fear of imminent death what helps me is time, and talking it out with my therapist or partner....talking about it seems to lessen the fear, while at the same time living in the truth of the fact that we could die at any moment. We could get a diagnosis tomorrow that gives us a very short time to live. I hope not of course, but the reality is, as you know, that it could happen.

When I have this conversation (pretty much exactly this conversation) with my psychotherapist or partner I usually end up crying out of fear and vulnerability, and then the feeling of fear and isolation and loneliness shifts to one of connection, in vulnerability. We are all mortal after all, though most of the time we forget and live life as though we have forever. 

Maybe just being witnessed in fear of death helps to transform the fear into something easier to live with? I think that's what helps me. Thanks again for your post.

 

 

Thank you for your reply to "fear of death"

You can't possibly know how much your empathetic response meant to me.  Thank you for writing and for doing it so quickly.

The first thing I did was this post.  The next day, thankfully, I had an appointment with my doctor.  She really did help to put things in perspective.  She pointed out (which in my "terror" as you so correctly described) I was unable to see, that there are thousands of women in Toronto and millions in the world who are my age, have depression and cancer.  Therefore, it doesn't mean that I'm next on the list for death.

I have been facing severe anxiety this month for a variety of reasons, the main one being the birthday of my now deceased mother at whose hands I suffered considerable abuse.  I think hearing the news about my friend's sister added to that anxiety to a point where I became terrified.

Thanks to you and my doctor, I am feeling considerably better now. 

talking about it seems to lessen the fear, while at the same time living in the truth of the fact that we could die at any moment.  This part of your response is so absolutly true.  I couldn't even think of this simple fact in my time of terror.

Once again, my heartful thanks for your thoughtful and timely reply.

 

 

 

You are welcome

I am so glad to read that you are in a different place around fear of imminent death. Also I am glad that my response helped you! I feel connected to you, and heard, as much as you feel heard by me.

The birthday of your mother must bring up all kinds of vulnerable and fearful feelings...you must have been afraid of dying by her hands at times.

Thanks for getting back to me/us (the discussion board) on your feelings now. I hope you enjoy the beautiful day today!

 

Fear of death

I really appreciate this dialogue around the fear of death and while at times I certainly have experienced this struggle, I am most accutely aware of it in terms of fearing that the people I love will die. 

I used to be able to relegate this fear to the place of irrationality (which is likely a form of denial) and just go on as if everyone lives forever.  But then I lost someone very dear to me quite unexpectedly and they were young to have died.  This seemed to shatter my ability to live in the delusion of immortality and made me face the truth that people do die - even as I write this it seems "silly" to admit not beleiving that truth. 

Sometimes this can feel very painful to hold and very frightnening - sometimes I want to return to that place of what felt like blissful denial.  But the illusion is gone and I live with the knowledge of mortality and loss.  

  Low self-esteem  - and

 

Low self-esteem  - and living in the comfort zone

I have recently discovered something about myself which has thrown me off balance. I discovered that I am comfortable with my insecurity, even though it harms me in many ways. I present my insecurity to others as if it is the whole of me. I hide that part inside of me that is strong and opinionated and tough. I suppose it protects me from being seen and challenged. I live in fear of confrontation. I didn't realize that I was living in fear until I started to wonder why it is that I always am the first to put myself down and to doubt myself. It irritates me when other people try to step in and advise me. I know what I need to do....except that I am forgetting that I talk as if I don't - so of course they see a weak a fragile creature that needs help. When I challenged myself - why do I do this? I began to see that I live in fear almost all the time. I am afraid of what other people will think of me and how they will judge me. I am afraid of how they might confront me if they don't agree with something that I have said or done. The fear feels deep and life threatening now that I can recognize it. I realize that I am living with my violent and critical mother in almost everything that I do. Everyone around me has the potential to be her. And so I have been protecting myself in the only way that I know how - by making myself small and insignificant so that no one takes me seriously.

I am at a crossroads. I would really like to challenge this comfort zone that I've been keeping myself safe in. I don't like being insecure. I also don't like the fear. It feels like a skin that I want to shed - but am terrified to let go. After all... it is familiar and comfortable and it has been with me my entire life. To come out is risky. I might find that some people don't like me. Others might disagree with me or even think that I am a fool. On the other hand, at least it will be authentically ME. Maybe I will find people out there that appreciate who I am and like it. Maybe I'll grow and learn from people's reactions to me. Most of all though, maybe I'll just start to have some fun and stop living in fear.

Comfort Zone/Keeping myself

Comfort Zone/Keeping myself 'safe' -not liking feeling insecure- "it feels like a skin a skin I like to shed " It's a perfect description of where I live a lot of the time.  The fear and insecurity of making mistakes or getting hurt keeps me paralized in other words it stops my growth.  I know I have made mistakes in the past and have also been hurt. With the loving encouragement of my therapist I continue to struggle with the fear and anxiety and keep one foot in front the other and inch into growth.

I really struggle with my

I really struggle with my insecurity. I am so afraid to say the wrong thing or make a  mistake. Sometimes I avoid being with people just because it is too hard and if feels safer to stay at home. There are days when the fear is just too overwhelming and I wish I could hide in my cocoon and be protected. Therapy has been helping me to discover where my fear is coming from and I hope that one day I will start to feel more confident about my place in the world. And maybe learn to value what I have to offer as well.

I really understand the

I really understand the struggle to stand in your strength and know that putting yourself out there with boldness is about really living and throwing off the chains of fear and silence.  I am currently being challenged to move out of my comfort zone and trust my intuition and my ability to speak from it.  This can be hard for me at times, as I feel that I am still in the process of learning to read my own cues (my embodied feelings and senses about what is going on in any given situation), to trust them, and I fear making mistakes.  What if I say something and I'm wrong?  What if someone turns to me and says "that's not what I meant at all..." what if I look like the fool?  Sometimes I think it's about being a confident learner.  Can I try?..can I blow it?..can I fall down?..is it o.k. to be in process?... all things that I know in my family of origin were matters of humiliation and criticism. But I am determined to challenge those ghosts so that I can allow my confidence to grow and so I can experience greater freedom to be who I am.

I just want to support your

I just want to support your process! It is hard for me to be in process sometimes, because the critical voices of my family of origin are still inside of me just waiting to undermine me when I least expect it. I have to remind myself that it is okay if I blow it and if I fall down. That is how I am going to learn. Most of the time though - I don't actually blow it or fall down the way I fear I will. I am discovering that I do have a voice that is worth while, and when I share it openly with others - it gives them an opportunity to know me and to have an authentic relationship with me. Its hard to have a relationship with someone when there is nothing to push against. That is something that I am learning. I love this journey (even though sometimes I'll admit I do still want to take a break and hide from the world!). I feel proud of who I am becoming.