A warm thank you for your response. I would be interested in anyone's stories and their influence good or troubled because the loved one who has troubled us also gives us lessons to learn.

The Tapestry of Relationship Contained in the Grief Process

It is impossible for me to pick out every piece of work that went into creating the tapestry of my relationship with my father, who died recently.

The life-line for the two of us begins in 1952 and ends in 2010.

The most recent memories about the process of his dying hold a larger piece at the moment. I am however, now reviewing so many memories that are making up my gestalt feelings about him at the present moment. Like most relationships with caretakers, the relationship can go through many transformations creating new levels of understanding about you in relation to them.

I can tell stories about him which have subsequently been translated in life lessons, as time marches on.

Here is a special one:

I was in grade eight when my friend and I were spotted at the gymnasium, both of us wearing red trench coats. Money had been stolen at the gym and we were accused by the principal of stealing the money. My friend Fern broke down and bawled her eyes out but I held firm but angry because of course we hadn’t stolen the money. The principal was going to have us questioned by the police the next day even though we had grade eight provincial exams to write. Fern went home and told her parents who didn’t know what to do. I went home and told the story and my father went through the roof with anger at the principal. The next day he marched to the principal’s office to tell him that in no uncertain terms would his daughter ever steal money and if he persisted in calling the police before my exams, he would haul him up before the board. The principal backed down and that was the last that I heard about it. I wasn’t the greatest academic student but I did pass those exams to get into high school.

This memory and many more have been harvested in new ways as I continue to pursue a self-growth journey. With this memory I have learned how to be loyal and trust the journey of others in many different ways. My father had constant belief in me and held a loyalty that I could always trust.

Toward the end of his life, he died from a painful disease. I watched him deteriorate from health into a frail and fragile flower that was about to die in the winter. I sang songs to him and he smiled sweetly. He slipped away quietly, into the night, into his next life.

 Thank you for being a silent witness by reading this post

I have recently lost first my Aunt S and then six weeks later her husband passed away, my Uncle P.

Their physical lives are a great loss to me but what isn’t a loss to me are my memories of them and how important they were to me as a child and as an adult. They were a part of a small community of relatives that helped to save significant parts of my inner world. Their families and ours both had dysfunctional elements but somehow they were able to support each other as well as the children from both families. My cousins grew attached to my parents and we were very attached to their parents. It’s a funny thing but P and S could confront my parents about their behaviour toward the children but they couldn’t see their own toward their children and the same worked in reverse for my parents.

This extended family helped to hold the younger generation when the early bonding between caretakers and infants was very fragile.

Recently I’ve spent time with my cousins and their sorrow and my sorrow is deep.

Aunt S and Uncle P also discarded all gender roles. S had great skill in construction and as a race car driver and P exuded feminine kindness in his very being. He was a man who knew how to be. He was loved by all and S was admired and somewhat feared when her masculinity was so present. I learned that I was free to making choices outside of gender rules. (no small thing in today’s world)

Both of them died somewhat suddenly but I observed how they held a vital interest and curiosity in life until very close to the end.

I hope that while they are in heaven, they know how important they are to us, future generations and supporting a good life on this planet.

I love you both.

I lost my partner a few years ago and its suddenness left me in shock for quite while.  At times the grief wells up in me and it can feel like it will crack my chest open.  At other times I am learning to live with the loss and I hold the memories dear.

Recently, I've begun to explore a new relationship and I'm finding that its stirring me in deep ways that often surprise me.  I can struggle to hold the two people in my psyche, I seem to get caught in an either/or kind of feeling; as though its some kind of betrayal to each of them if I hold the other.

I feel deeply sad at times and then i can feel profoundly excited and happy.  I'm finding that exploring love again is much harder than I thought it would be and opening a heart scarred with grief is quite painful. 

I lost my partner 11 months ago and I still feel the sharpness of life without him. We are going to have an unveiling of his stone and I am fearful of the pain all over again. It seems that the life I had with him was the happiest of my life and now I am plowing through every day.

My heart is so heavy reading these passages. I have been in a grieving process for my father since his debilitating strokes and memory loss dementia. Several years ago I was able to spend some time with him, listening to him repeat his childhood stories, which were at once heartbreaking and hilarious Not wanting to lose one detail, I listened to them and enjoyed his company, sensing that we were at an important crossroads and would never come by that way again. He has been slowly and painfully disappearing, so we are left to grieve the man he once was. The person who is replacing him still has gentlemanly manners, loves music and food, but has no idea who we are. I pray that a merciful God does not let him have those moments of clarity that would give him a clue as to who he isn't anymore. He now has Parkinson's, skin cancer, and is unable to walk any longer. When I look at the state of his physical body, I see that his spirit is dominant It is to this spirit I cling for my own memories, and its strength somehow eases my pain around losing him.

It is only 10 days since my father passed on

Even though it was expected and that he seemed to be ready

Even though I had witnessed his process

  - the gradual letting go of things that had once been important to him

  - the slow return to his earlier life, as he became less able to be in the present

  - as the moments, where he seemed to be somewhere other than here, grew longer

Even though I was moved as I witnessed his peaceful journey over the last few months

  - as he slowly closed that last gap in the circle of life

I was unprepared for the waves of deep grief that sweep over me at times

For a loss that I cannot describe

Now without the weekly long drives to visit him

I have more time which fills itself with many feelings

Sometimes, more now, with memories of all kinds

Many years of therapy have helped me to work through my parent issues

And have enabled me to be in this place of deep feeling,

A place where I can hold many diverse emotions at one time

The overriding one, at the moment, being sadness

I am grateful to be in this place

But it is painful

I lost my partner three years ago this past March and I am still often surprised at the moments of deep loss that I can feel.  Today is one of those days...the ache in my chest just won't let up, the sense of emptiness relentless. 

My life is certainly full, with much to be grateful for and lots of positive things happening, and yet in moments like this I am struck by how much the grief can still hurt.  Today I hold the memory of her close and live with how wrong it can feel that she is gone.