Crisis of faith, spirituality and the meaning of life.

We invite your comments, reflections and questions about crisis of faith, spirituality and the meaning of life.
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reflections on meaning, insignificance and ones path

I've been reflecting allot over the last week or two about a period when I was young and felt that my search for meaning was leading me towards becoming a nun. This reflection lead to my rereading a book by karen Armstrong called Through the narrow gate.

In it she writes about her years as a young woman entering as a postulant and the seven years following. 

Something that Karen writes a great deal about is her struggle with the notion during that time period 1950's-1960''s of the need to lose oneself as a nun in order to find God.Essentially the tearing down of ones self in order to be a blank canvas     Through her years as a nun she struggles with her own intellect and her own need for human closeness, with her superiors severe rules and austere detachment, her spirit fights, which leads her to a breakdown and ultimately in her making the decision to leave the convent.  

As a teenager I felt quite drawn to the religious way of life. My interest led me to become friends in school with a few others who were also considering religious vocations.

My friends outside of this group thought I was a little cooky, why the heck would I want to become a nun they asked. After all is wasn't 1950. I set out to try to look examine if this was really something that I wanted. I took extra classes. I started looking more closely at one particular order, as was one of my friends at the time and I was invited to come and spend time with the nuns and then I was invited to go to Boston to their novitiate house to explore the possibility of entering their order.

I remember going to see the priest one day to talk with him about joining a class that he was teaching. I felt so little and insignificant as I walked into this large, ornate marbled room. I talked about my interest in joining his class and I remember him asking if I had considered joining the religious life. I remember how it felt in that moment as though he had plucked this from my psyche.I told him that I had thought of it, but I remember how tongue tied I was as I tried to explain why I felt this.

I would say that for my age I had a significant degree of self awareness and I did question whether my wish to become a nun and enter in to the kind of life was more a need for belonging and a community and also to feel protected within a world that somehow seemed at times to be too harsh for me. I guess even then I felt it very important to be following my true path and I wasn't absolutely sure what that was. 

I knew that I felt what could be better that devoting ones life to getting closer to the divine/God and in that being able to be an instrument in serving others. There is something so beautiful and simple in choosing to live your life in that way.  

Although things have changed quite dramatically in the religious life to keep up with the times, I wonder how I would have fared as a nun  

I guess recently I've wondered what if I had and did I miss something in not following that particular path.  

Today I'm developing a new vocation within another type of community and for that I am thankful. I guess now I'm wondering why this is coming up for me and what meaning it has. It occurred as I was reading the last pages of my book, that I feel a little like karen in her description of how she felt coming back into the world after her years removed from it. She had to relearn how to be in a world that felt completely foreign to her.

At times I feel as though I've missed a turn at some point that I am not really where I should be and I'm not sure where God/divine is in all of that. 

 

 

Thank you for articulating

Thank you for articulating your journey in such a beautiful way.  I really heard your struggle when you spoke of being uncertain as to what was motivating you in your desire to possibly become nun.  I think that in any "people helping" sort of field being able to discern why we are compelled to be of assistance is a difficult task.  As you shared, was your desire born out of the need to be protected and in a community or was it more so about devoting yourself to God and being an instrument of the Divine to reach out to the hurting.  I suspect that it was not one or the other but rather a combination of both.  I do have an understanding of your journey as I too have walked this path albeit in a protestant denomination.  It has been a number of years now since I have worked in that tight community and there has been a sense of loss for me as well.  I also have struggled in trying to find true community.  I am happy to hear that you are finding your way in a new community.  As to your final quandary as to whether you missed a turn at some point I imagine that is a question not easily answered.  However, in my own belief system I think that the Divine's hand is in all that we do and that there are really no wrong turns.  Perhaps we take detours and each detour has its own set of lessons and purposes but that we ultimately always land in center of the Divine's plan.

The Concept of Loosing One's Self

Thank you for your post and sharing your journey with us on the discussion board.  I think at times we all wonder what we would have become had we chosen a different path.  For you, becoming a nun would have indeed changed your course in life.  I suppose a thought to ponder is by becoming a nun your pathway in life would have changed but would it have changed who you are today...who you have become on the inside.  I imagine that this is not a question that any one of us can answer for others or for ourselves.

When you wrote of Karen who tore herself down to become a blank canvas and who had to loose herself as a nun to find God, I had some reaction to this.  I worked in the religious community for many years and was an ordained minister (I suppose I am still ordained just not active). However, when I was in ministry I use to pray that God would empty me of myself in order that I could be a clean and pure vessel through which his love could flow through to others.  So I truly understand the concept of stripping one's self of "self".  However, even when I was still active in ministry I realized that completely emptying me was not really what God intended.  If indeed God required me and others to be stripped of ourselves then what was the point of God making us distinct individuals with unique gifts and talents.  I began to realize that the eradication of “me” was terribly detrimental to my psyche. At this point in my life I had totally lost my sense of self and replaced it with someone or something that I felt was far more acceptable to God and others.  This of course goes hand in hand with my experiences from my childhood and I realized that the “religious” aspect of loosing me was not solely to blame.  However, the path that I choose as a young adult certainly fit tightly with what my history was so it made perfect sense to me that I needed to be stripped of who I was.  Over the past few years in through my work in therapy I am slowly beginning to regain a true sense of self.  I write this not as any criticism of anyone or any religious belief but rather as a means of simply sharing with you and others my personal experience.  Thank you again for sharing of your journey.

 

The meaning of life and reaching my soul potential...

The following quotes are incredibly inspiring to me.  As I reflect on these quotes it comes to mind that I have witnessed my mentor over the years walk, work and talk these amazing words.

As I aspire to embody in my psyche these heart and soul reaching words I share with you my intention.

''Live as if you were going to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were going to live forever''  Ghandi

''Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition.  It asks too little of yourself.  Because it's only when hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential'' Barack Obama

''With realization of one's potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world'' Dalai Lama

 

 

crisis of faith, spirituality and the meaning of life

Over the years I have found less satisfaction in organized religion and now am on a search for a more personal sense of spirituality through reading and life experiences. Often it unfolds for me in simple gestures - a helping hand, either given or received, in connection conveyed through a smile, twinkling eyes - or in nature, in the sense of oneness that gets called forth to all living things. In whatever ways I experience it, I realize more and more that I am an active participant, that we all have the potential of higher energy, God or whatever one calls it, within us. I have always had a sense of angel energy and I recently read a passage about angels in Marianne Williamson's book Everyday Grace which speaks beautifully of this potential.

"When we pray to something higher than ourselves, we are not praying to something outside ourselves. Angels do not live 'somewhere else' - ultimately we realize that there is nowhere else - but simply in another realm of perception. They live within us as latent energies of divine power, potential but not yet actualized within most of humanity. In summoning angels, we're responding to the evolutionary lure of the angelic state. We're recognizing angels as spiritual mentors who can lift our thoughts to the heights of truth. And as we rise to meet them, we will ultimately become them.

We remember that it is our own responsibility, as best we can, to live up to the divine potential God has placed within each of us. We have our wings, should we choose to spread them. In almost any situation, if we're truly honest with ourselves, there are ways that we can fly higher, at fuller wingspan. There are ways to show greater honor and compassion to all life, to get over ourselves and serve something bigger. We are given as many opportunities to reconstruct the nature of our lives as there are moments in a day. We can think more insightfully, love more deeply, give more selflessly, and serve more faithfully the call of love. How many times have we regretted not having been kinder, or wiser, or more respectful to others? And how many times have we shown up lovingly for another person, and been told, 'Thank you. You're such an angel.' Indeed.

Angel's wings are not just metaphorical, any more than a butterfly's are. Just because they don't materialize physically does not mean that they do not exist. They are an actual set of cosmic probabilities, increased in the presence of mystical awareness. They are higher thought forms through which we transcend limitations, flying above the earthly fears that would otherwise hold us down."

Nature - A Revelation of the Divine

 

I read a while ago that there are two ways in which the Divine is revealed.  One is through holy books and the other is through nature.  Given my history with "the church" I have found it increasingly difficult to feel connected to the Divine.  At times, I feel very frustrated, other times sad and sometimes I just feel lost in my quest for spirituality.  I have come to realize that the only place now where I can freely feel connected to the Creator is in "creation" itself - nature.  Yesterday was a gloriously warm day and I took advantage of the beautiful weather and went for a walk in the woods.  I embarked on tiny trampled path and I silently walked amongst the trees simply appreciating the outdoors and my surroundings.  I walk this path often and always take note of an old tree that is broken in half and yet has not totally succumb to its break as its top half rests upon another healthy tree.  Out of the corner of my eye I realized that something was different.  Splayed across this old broken tree was a racoon.  Its body was spread out, its tiny arm dangling down and its head tucked in.  It was bathing in the warmth of the sunshine and was fast asleep.  I find it absolutely fascinating to observe animals just "being" in their natural surroundings.  I was very moved by this little creature blissfully resting in its habitat.  In that moment I felt very connected to the Creator and was so grateful for the gift that I was given.  I spoke my appreciation out loud to the audience of the creatures in the woods and the Creator. Even as I write this my heart is moved by how I can truly feel connected to the Divine in nature and my gratitude is once again stirred.

 

SPIRITUAL vs. RELIGION

I have little or no faith in organized religion, however, I still go to mass on Sunday and believe Christ my Savior is there. As far as priests and the catholic church I do believe most of them are the opposite of Christ, that makes me sad and MAD!

The Catholic church should be doing more for the poor, and helping people with their daily struggles, of GOOD / GOD vs. EVIL /DEVIL.   >>><<<  bee from PEI

the spiritual vs. the religious

I too struggle deeply with organized religion, even as I was trained and liscened as a minister in a protestant denomination.

I know that I am a deeply spiritual person and have been as far back as I can remember. My own journey seems to have woven back and forth between belief and church involvement and a hard to define spiritual pulse that beats even as I turn away from organized religion.

In my early 20's I hit the wall of addiction and turned to "God" to see me through and this lead to a rather long forey into the "church world" (which is why I went to school and became a minister).  However, after a time I just couldn't live within the confines of a religion that suffocated my feminist bend, my sexual orientation, and my belief and commitment to social justice and equity.

I still carry a lot of feelings around the injustices, ignorances, and (at times) the propogation of hate and fear that infused the church circles I traveled amidst.  And it makes it so that walking into a church these days is almost impossible. 

Ironically, I believe that I still carry a pastor's heart when it comes to a desire within me to illuminate a more open, broader, socially responsible "gospel".  But I still don't know exactly where this leaves me in terms of my own belief.  I am still waiting as my spirituality unfolds...experiences of the sacred as I walk out in nature, the sense of a deep interconnection with the world, and a feeling of "something" when I sincerley pray for others.

  

spiritual vs religious

I applaud your desire to proclaim an more open, broader, socially responsible gospel, since this is exactly what Christ calls us to do. So much of what the church practices today is actually the self-fulfilling doctrine of very human people with their own agenda rather than the true gospel of Christ.

As Christians today we are called to feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, and clothe the naked. The Gospels don't say we are to do this only for nice people who look, think and act just like us.

Genesis tells us we are all made in God's image, and the Psalms say we are wonderfully made. Nowhere does it say that gays and lesbians are not included. 

 

Struggle in the Spiritual vs Religion

I am struggling with my own spirituality and how I fit in my newly chosen religious community.

I have always been a spiritual person - at least in relation to my interaction and reaction to nature, but I have always been alone in my experience. My parents believed that all religions were stupid - made up by people who couldn't bear to accept the reality that we only get one life and then we die and are nothing. My father died believing this, and I saw how hard it was for him to die - there was no meaning or grace in it for him. I feel so sad when I remember this.

I have always felt as if he might be wrong. I just felt my heart crack and be filled a few too many times when I was alone in the outback, or up north camping...something bigger then me surrounded and filled me and I believed in a god, or nature, or the creator, or spirits. But - my spirituality has always felt immature and stunted. I was drawn to Indigenous  teachings and spirituality from around the world - and still am. I also was curious about Western and Eastern formal religions...but I felt like a tourist.

I started going to the United Church - mainly because they are tolerant and accepting of everybody - and later I continued because I liked the minister. It has been a rewarding experience for me. I am filled up when I sing the hymns. I feel connected to some of my ancestors when I hear the biblical stories. Often the sermons will remind me of my values, or seem to parallell and address a struggle that I am currently in. I am reminded to contribute and share what I have with others who don't have as much as I do, and this also feels right. Most of all, I love being surrounded by a group of people who have chosen to gather together in a spirit of community and worship.

I don't entirely fit in there. I don't know how I feel about some of the basic tenants - and sometimes I question whether I am being a tourist again.

The truth is, I am longing to be in a spiritual community - not in spiritual isolation. So - I continue to go - knowing that I don't quite fit and don't fully accept or understand everything that I hear because I am also spiritually refreshed and filled with love and hope at the end of each Sunday morning.  For now this is what I have and I am grateful.

I admire your courage in that

I admire your courage in that you have been able to maintain your personal faith even though your expereince of organized religion is not that  positive.  I think that many people lose their faith when they are faced with organized religion that is corrupt or abusive.  Often people find it difficult to hold both the acknowledgement of corrupt religion and their personal faith.  So thank you for sharing your experience.

  What is truth?  What is

 

What is truth?  What is real? What do I believe?  How do I sift through a belief system that I was taught was infallible?  These are some of the questions I wrestle with in my journey of faith and spiritually.  I was raised in a home where going to church was the centre of our life. From a very early age I was exposed to elements of fundamentalist Christianity which I embodied so deeply that at times even today they can haunt me.  The church my family attended was mild in comparison to the church that my extended relatives were involved with.  Unfortunately, we frequented my relative's church often and it was one that was steeped in a fire, hell and brimstone theology.  This group often held "special services" called revival meetings and in the summer there were tent meetings.  I remember the feeling of the grass on my bare legs, the cold of the folding steel chairs against my back and the smell of the thick musty canvas.  I am also brought back to the intense fear that I experienced when one day the preacher said "folks there is a demon in this place and if you are not careful it will jump inside of you".  As an eight or nine year old child who "knew" the devil was real and that he had scores of demons in this world ready to prey on you, I was petrified. I just stood there, pleading with Jesus that he would protect me from this demon and desperately asking Jesus into my heart over and over because if Jesus somehow wasn't in my heart the demon soon would be.  Even as I write this tears spring to my eyes because as I reflect on this experience the fear of the child still resides in me.  Additionally, as a child I was also exposed to special films which depicted horror scenes of hell, torture and decapitation.  These "films" should have been classified as R rated horror movies.  However, horror movies are depicted as fiction, but these films were propagated as being the truth and I lived in a tormented fear of hell and absolute abandonment by God.  I did not hear about a God who loved me unconditionally but rather a God whose love and acceptance of me was completely dependent on what I did.  As I matured as a person I began to embrace a far more liberal, encompassing and inclusive theology.  On an intellectual level I have this open view of God and spirituality.  However, on an emotional level I still carry deeply the beliefs I was taught as a child.  I live in conflict with the intellectual healthy belief system and the embodied terror of God and panic that if I make one mistake everything will be turned upside down in my life.  I wish that as a child I could have seen God as a loving comforting figure.  Instead it was tainted and distorted.  At this I am saddened. The child in me is still afraid to embrace the liberal theology because what if I am wrong.  What if what I was taught as a child is the truth...what will happen to me then?  What is truth? What is real?  In my therapy I am unravelling many aspects of my life and childhood. My experience of my religious upbringing is one of the facets and it is not an insignificant part of my history. With a great deal of help and counseling from my therapist I am beginning to explore this part of myself.  My eyes are being opened to how deep and profoundly I have been affected by this childhood experience.  I am so grateful that I have a therapist who has listened so very closely to my story and has been able to truly grasp my experience and is willing and capable to help me walk through this.

 

 

I m a spiritual person have

I m a spiritual person have been all my life.
A few years ago I had to undergo hospitalisation and a few surgeries. I went through a period of time when I lost all faith. I lost my ability to pray, this was shocking to me and to my family and friends. I had to ask my friends to pray for me because I could not find my way back to my spirit.
I do not remember feeling so lost. It was absolutely terrifying , so dark, and nothing to hold onto.Gradually my faith in prayer came back but still things will never be the same for me I lost something perhaps an innocence I do not know. I still confused by this. I wonder if others have been through something like this and if they can speak on how they got their faith and spirit back.

I was moved by your post and

I was moved by your post and your struggle with spirituality and prayer.  I am glad for you that you feel like your faith in prayer is gradually being restored.  I too have struggled with my sense of spirituality and I really understand the feeling of being lost in one's faith.  When I attempt to pray at times it feels like if falls flat.  However, I have found a place where I feel alive emotionally and spiritually and that is in nature.   I often go for long walks in the woods and this is the one place where I feel in touch with the Divine (God).  At times I have seen deer simply wandering in their "home", birds singing, squirrels playing and swans swimming.  It is at those times that I feel that the Divine(God) reaches out to me and I feel seen and loved.  It is a place where I am grounded and where I feel at one with the trees, the animals and the Divine.  In those moments I am not seperate from, I am simply a part of something much bigger.   I also have been able to see the Divine reaching out to me through placing special people in my life, including my therapist. When I have felt distraught, frightened and alone my therapist has provided me with a strong sense of grounding.  I see this as an act of the Divine reaching out to me and letting me know that I am cared for.  To the person that posted, I hope that you are able to find that special place where you feel connected to the one you pray to.

Yes, of course your response

Yes, of course your response is very helpful. Your words are very meaningful to me.especially when prayer falls FLAT that is the feeling exactly yet I could not have come up with that word. Right now this very minute it is the call of the spring birds in the early am and in the evening that remind me that all is at it should be.thanks for your honesty.

 The Crisis in my faith

The Crisis in my faith became an opportunity to reflect on my faith. I  brought a young faith  from my childhood into my adult life.

I realized that as I struggled to maintain my faith as it was, it was being tested and that turned out to be a good thing. Just like the seasons my faith went through a winter  season and in fact has gone through a few winters as I grow and change.

My faith is now a living faith not based on how I feel but on what I know to be true. Gold has to be fired in the furnace many times and as it is the gold becomes more pure. As scary as it was to "lose" my faith in the end it is now deeper and more profound.

My  new understanding is that the "crisis" became a gift of reflection. What seemed like a crisis became an opportunity.