Dissociative disorder

Welcome to our discussion board on dissociative disorder, we invite your comments, reflections and questions.

‹ Eating disorders Phobias ›

I've been struggling to stay

I've been struggling to stay in the present and not dissociate. Gapping out is second nature to me. I move in and out of it in the blink of an eye. Certainly without any consciousness of it. I only recognise that it has happened if someone else brings me back to consciousness, or when I realize that I don't know what just happened - there has been a space in time, or the conversation has suddently lost me. Sometimes I can see the confusion in the person I am talking to - or more often - a look of extreme patience as they are trying to follow me. Sometimes followed by a look of frustration.

I recently had an enlightening moment. I was trying to explain an event that had happened, and I kept losing my train of thought, or gapping out as I call it. I have become more aware now when it happens, and in this moment I felt as if there was a void that kept intruding. Our facilitator pointed out suddenly that I seemed to be having the entire conversation in my head. This gave me a shock. It described exactly what was happening. It wasn't a void that I was experiencing at all. I was actually working out all the possibilities in my head before putting a final version out for the others in my group to judge.

No wonder I sometimes appear incoherant in the moment, and others have trouble following me. I am rushing to the end of my story without giving them the meat of it, because I am afraid of how they will judge me. I am working out my own conclusions, before anyone else can beat me to it.

Beat is a good word to use. Growing up, I lived in fear of physical punishment, and verbal humiliation. Not saying the wrong thing was one way of protecting myself. It was my way of trying to control what would happen to me. So, my fear was at one time reasonable and helped me survive. Separating myself and keeping myself unaware also helped me tolerate an abusive situation.

It doesn't help me now. In fact, it is clearly getting in my way. By being non present, or too much in my head, I lose out on experiencing others in a rich and meaningful way. I don't let myself out, or let them in. And, I still experience humiliation, because I have trouble communicating in a clear and uninhibited manner.

I know that being aware of what I am doing is a good step. I am trying to stop those automatic  conversations in my head, and try to stay with the person that I am talking to. It isn't easy.  At the slightest hint of a threat, or discomfort of any kind, my inner world goes into defense mode and I'm gone in a flash. I am working hard. With the help of my therapist, and the patience and non-judgement of my group members, I am becoming more secure. More solid. I am learning how to stay in the moment, even when it is feels intolerable.

This is a very slow process and hard work for me. Sometimes I feel as if I am making progress, and then at other times it feels quite overwhelming and frustrating. Staying where I am isn't an option though, so I am plodding on, taking one messy day at a time. I do have moments when I feel a small shift happening, and that gives me hope.

I read your posting shortly

I read your posting shortly after you wrote it on the board and it has stayed with me.  Thank you for your honesty in sharing.  Your post came to mind several weeks ago when I was having lunch with a group of people.  One of the persons at the lunch brought her two granddaughters along. One was about 3 years old and the other was about 5 or 6 years old.  I had not met these little girls prior to the lunch.  As the conversation was flowing around the table my mind kept going back to the little girls.  The thought that was plaguing me was this: I was as young (or younger) then these two little girls when I was being sexually abused. I began to realize that I really have disassociated from the little girl that was abused.  I know that it happened to me but somehow it almost seems like I relate to myself in the situation as an adult not the little girl that I was.  While being in the presence of these two innocent girls I was profoundly struck by the fact that I was as tiny as these children when the abuse was occurring.  This sort of blew me away and your post about disassociating came to mind.  I recognize now how far removed I am from the little girl that was abused.  I know in your post you refer to the disassociation that takes place in you by not being able to always be present in the moment and mine seems quite different.  However, I did want to share with you that although my experience of disassociation is not exactly the same, your post enlightened me to my own issues.  For this I thank you.

I had a similar experience

I had a similar experience recently that was quite disturbing. I decided when I had children that I would not expose them to the kind of physical violence that I experienced when I was growing up. That meant no corporal punishment of any kind. It is really challenging raising young children, and I've learned that when I am frustrated and tired - that it is in me to want to hit them. A few weeks ago, at the end of a particularly grueling day, I actually smacked my three year old. I want to be clear that I have made sure that it won't happen again. When it did happen, I could see the impact it had on him. He was able to talk to me about it, and we repared it together - but it put me into some kind of body shock. The sound of the slap, witnessing the shock in his body, and the mark on his skin. The mark disappeared quickly, but it connected me to my experience growing up that has sat with me profoundly ever since. I have been completely disconnected with my own experience as a child. I have since started, in the most shaky and nervous way, to start owning how terrible it was for me, the child, to be beaten, to live in fear, to have no one to talk to, to be unsafe. Owning how ugly my family life was, is helping me to reconnect and be softer with the younger me - the part that felt shamed. Up to now, I have often relied on sheer will to not smack my children in our most frustrating moments together. This new connection that I've made is helping me to stop myself from acting out on my own children from a new place inside of me. I realize that being dissociated from my past, is the same as when I dissociate in my present - it all impacts my current way of being in my life, and my experience with the people that I love around me.

I want to thank you for your

I want to thank you for your post that related to the other posters experience of disassociation and your experience of being reminded of how young you were when you were abused and the connection that was made when you were around your friends granddaughters.  

It really stirred me... because I too was abused as a young child and similar to what you describe I have quite a disconnection to my child self and also hold that child self as more of an adult 

Although it's hard for me to sit with that, it's a gift to have someone else share in such an honest way, so thank you for that.

A struggle to be conscious

In my individual and group therapy, I am working hard to challenge how I dissociate. It happens more often then I could have imagined. I am feeling quite frightened and overwhelmed by my inability to control it, or even be aware of when it is happening to me. I am becoming more aware of it only because my therapy group members and therapist are able to show me when it is happening while it is happening. I had an experience recently where I interrupted a powerful moment that two of my group members were engaged in. I was completely unaware that I had interrupted, until our facilitator pointed it out to me in the most gentle of ways. I had absolutely no recall of what had just happened - between them, or even what was going on inside of me. I understand that I was triggered by the emotional work being done, and that my response to being triggered is to separate myself from the situation - turn it off inside of me. It happens to me so easily that I am usually unaware that it has happened - and certainly I don't know it when I am in it. It is as if I  completely switch from one track to another without any warning. I am still moving forward, but in a different direction. It comes with a special kind of blindness – I often don’t see what is around me, or I forget. So – I don’t recognize that I am on a different track, even though the scenery has changed.

I am faced now with how often I disconnect in my relationships. I often forget things that friends and neighbours have told me about themselves or their lives. It feels confusing to me. In the moment that I am with them physically I forget. In reality, all the information that they have shared is stored inside of me. I start to remember it later – as if it were hidden in a different compartment inside of me and has to travel a long way to be reconnected to the me that is communicating on the surface. Sometimes it is inaccessible until I am reminded by them. People experience me as dropping them. This is very painful for me because I do care and I don’t want to hurt those around me. It also makes me feel very stupid and embarrassed.

I am working hard to be conscious, but it truly feels like an uphill struggle. Sometimes I very discouraged.

Re: a struggle to be conscious

Thank you so much for your post. It really resonates for me in a powerful way and I feel much compassion for you as I read your reflections of how you struggle with disassociating. As I was reading I had quite an "aha" moment. you have described what happens to you beautifully.I really hear how painful it feels for you when you lose information or it's not easily accessible and how discouraged you feel when it's a continual struggle to stay connected.

I too really struggle with this is my day to day life, so I really understand what you are talking about. I know that it does effect how I relate with others. It's also really illuminated for me in my group process.  Often I think I stay silent to try to cover it up, because it is painful and embarrassing and I fear that others wouldn't understand. I am a very conscientious and caring person, but I'm afraid that it will appear as though I'm not really listening or taking others in. When really I am,I feel things deeply, but sometimes the feelings and information just isn't processed or accessible in the same way.  I try to laugh along with others as they make lighthearted comments about my forgetfulness. Sometimes when I'm asked how the previous week has been I give a brief answer because inside I struggle to connect to what really happened during the week. I feel that confusion and embarrassment as I try to pull the pieces of my week back into focus. At some other moment it will come back, but it's after I've left the conversation and perhaps lost the opportunity to connect in a more meaningful way. 

I really appreciate your sharing and I wish you much patience and compassion for yourself as you struggle to stay connected with yourself and in fully connecting with others.   

 

Demon Possession or extreme Dissociative Disorder?

I recently read the publication by Adam Crabtree "Puzzling Over Possession: Comments on Dissociation Articles On Possession", posted by Jo-Anne Corbeil. As a Catholic I have always been fascinated by this phenomenon and was very surprised at how many clinicians, (including Adam who is a local therapist himself,) have experienced clients claiming to suffer from possession by an entity of some kind. Even more surprising is the fact that a DSM diagnosis is being considered, and that in fact, the WHO does recognize this syndrome within its classification of mental disorders. Interestingly, Crabtree explains that the clients he encountered started with their symptoms after dabbling with ouija boards. This caused me to recollect something from my childhood. When I was a young teenager, I used to explore occult practices and literature with a few of my high school friends. It was quite in vogue at the time (mid 70's) in our small town in Maryland (a very Catholic state.) During a conversation with my best friend my father ( who did not relate to me very much) overheard us talking about wanting to try a oiuja board. He became quite upset and came into the room and warned us hotly about the dangers of this practice and "inviting in the Devil." I was not at all a religious person at this point in time, but something in his tone touched a spiritual cord in me. We decided against this action, and in fact I stayed away from all occultic materials afterward. I'm glad I did because I do believe there is truth to it, although I think it is probably rare, at least in North America. One would have to be careful about diagnosis and be extremely exhaustive in ruling out MPD and other conditions such as schizophrenia. I think too, diagnosis should require consultation from a team of experienced clinicians as well as a consultation with a qualified member from the Church (not necessarily Catholic but one well versed in the subject matter.) Exorcism should definitely not be performed on an individual lightly, since it can be dangerous, especially if misused. I also think the criteria for possession is vastly different than traditional dissociative disorders; this would be more easily determined by a team approach to the individual case.

By Judy Wiles

Sept. 19, 2009 

I first started going to therapy because

I first started going to therapy because I was depressed and lost. It took a few years of hard work, and then one day I suddenly realized that I hadn't felt seriously depressed for a while. That is when I knew that something in me was changing. That was a great moment for me. That was also about the time that I started to take my blank fogs more seriously.

I didn't really remember much of my past. It was almost as if my life started in a piecemeal state at the age of 18 when I left home. Through therapy I've been able to fill in some of the blanks. I have remembered things in my body that my mind cannot hold on to. Violent reactions that shake me up, even while my mind is disconnected with how I am feeling in my body. Dissociation is a word that I never associated with me. At least until recently. I've always been a little fuzzy. Scattered. Bad memory. Now I am learning that what happens to me when I am afraid is that I gap out. I shut down and go into automatic pilot. Time disappears. I don't hear things that everyone else hears. I am lost. When I come back to myself, I don't always realize what has happened.  Some times I simply forget something that I know. I am trying to talk and somehow my clear idea disappears on me and I am left with some vague, half baked remnant. Because this happens to me - I feel very insecure about talking. My words fold into myself.

 I understand that dissociating protected me from the violence and craziness in my childhood home. Even though now I feel angry at my inhibitions, I am trying to honor that disconnecting saved me at a time when I couldn't absorb, understand, or escape from what was happening around me. Beating up on my self when I do disconnect only makes it worst anyway. Instead I am struggling to be conscious and forgiving...

Being conscious hasn't stopped me from forgetting or loosing myself when I am in a moment of fear. At least not yet. It is helping me to be aware when it happens and to learn what triggers me. Those moments when I do have patience, I can let myself endure the gap and then let it pass. I have hope that I will get better at it.

Being the observer

I too, had a similar childhood, although I was fortunate not to experience too much of the scattering of the mind that you speak of. I did experience depression and dissociation for years and only became aware of the reasons through therapy. One of the ways that I have been able to stay aware in the present time has been to "zoom out" and act as the "observer" in situations that challenge me, trigger me and basically freak me out. I have had GREAT difficulty with regulating emotions and this observing of myself has helped in being able to keep my hand on the volume, so to speak. It's a process that is lifelong, so give yourself credit for all of your victories. I wish you peace and healing.

J. Wiles

Sept. 19, 2009