I've been reading these postings and struggling with feelings of sadness around my own eating issues. I mostly try to ignore what I do. Unlike anorexia, I eat to fill my sadness and to control my anxiety. I used to eat compulsively. I should say overeat. Then, to counteract what I had done - I would force myself to throw up. Over the years, I didn't tell anyone about what I was doing. It was my secret. The way that I was able to cope with my feelings, and still control my weight. Through therapy, I have been able to gain some insight into my anxiety and gradually my depression has disappeared. My view of myself and life has been modified, and in general, I have learned to love life. The nameless anxiety is still inside of me however, and when I am under stress, my old habits come back. I find myself eating compulsively to numb my painful feelings. It is a temporary fix, and often leaves me feeling physically uncomfortable and ashamed. I am fighting it. I no longer allow myself to purge, even though the desire to clean out my body is still strong. I know that it is unhealthy, and it is also masking what I have just done. I am working hard to face myself and my pain. I've also had to face the shame of it - though mostly in private. I haven't even admitted it to my partner, though I think he wonders at how I sometimes binge. I have finally brought it in to my therapist - though I can't describe how hard that was. I honestly thought I would crumple up and die with the shame of it. Her complete acceptance made it feel almost anticlimatic! I don't know what I thought would happen. I started to feel better about myself. More accepting. It is easier writing about it in this forum, because of the anonymity - I feel safe. Somehow, it also helps me - because on some level, my experience is outside of myself. I can own it. For so long, I haven't owned it, even to myself. Sharing with other people has helped me see what I do with a little more give and take. I'm still ashamed enough of it not to share openly with my family or friends. I can share openly in this forum, and with my therapist. Some of the burden of it has lifted. I see some improvement. I also feel sometimes that it is forgivable. We humans carry with us great pain sometimes, and I feel compassion for those of us who sometimes seek some temporary relief. I am saying that in third person - sometimes it is harder to feel compassion for me - but I am learning.
I feel quite moved by the support that has popped up here, for the stories that have been shared and much compassion for the original poster. It takes allot of courage to ask for help! I generally don't talk much about the years that I struggled with my eating disorder, but I wanted to add a little here about my experience as well, with hope that it can encourage the continuing of the sharing of stories.
My issues with eating began around age eleven and at twelve I was diagnosed with anorexia. I struggled actively with it into my twenties and it was a very hard and painful time. I felt as though I found my strength to live in being a very low body weight and my survival depended on it!.To the last person who posted, you said that what you came to understand was that your ED was built to isolate you from the world. I find that realisation very powerful... and relevant to my experience as well.
I had a desperate need for a safe place to land in the world, to be seen in a way that felt safe for me. My disorder was 'my voice' for the deep pain and shame that I held in my body and the manifestation of the silence that I carried from such a young age...it was my way of screaming how hurt I was...that's difficult for me to say.
It was a long journey! I was fortunate that I found support along the way and I managed to peek out enough at times to really take it in. What I really needed wasn't found with those that stood there forcing me to take in, though I realise that they too helped me to live, but it was the few people who could bear to witness and be with me in a human way.
I found that the experience of pregnancy and nourishing my growing child had quite a profound effect on me. It was the first time I really allowed myself to eat in a healthy way. There were concerns from my doctors and midwives because of my prior history but it ended up being a real turning point. I gained a substantial amount of weight during those nine months. Almost half of my prior body weight!
To say that my issues with my body and eating having completely gone away wouldn't be accurate. But as soon as those familiar patterns of thinking or behaving pop up today I recognise them for what they are and deal with my feelings in much better ways. But I am aware that it will be a struggle to be completely comfortable and at home in my body for the rest of my life.
I continue to learn in many ways..about being fully in my body, how to reach out, how to let others reach in. I am thankful for the other kindred souls out there who help support and give me courage. Now in a way I have almost come full circle, one of many I think and I am about to begin a new chapter of being blessed to help others and for that I feel truly thankful and inspired.
I appreciate your honesty and I truly understand the feelings of isolation associated with an eating disorder. I suffered myself for years and felt completely ashamed and alone and angry. There were many things that contributed to helping me come out of my shell and one of them was to reach out and open up the very thing I felt so ashamed of. And it helped. As difficult as reaching out was, it was becoming harder to keep it in. I think of a quote that resonated with me so much at the time by Anais Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
At the time it did not feel like blossoming!!!... but it felt painful and at the same time there was such a strong yearning to be seen. I had silenced myself for so long about what was really happening with me and why I was in this. The discovery that I could be supported was a process that to this day I still need and cherish. The one thing about my eating disorder that I realize - it was built to isolate me from the world. This opening up has been a journey of discovery of who I really am, and it was through connection with others that I discovered my needs, that I identified what my pain was. It was the very act of reaching out that helped support me week after week unitl I had the ability to feel held and seen. This was my greatest wish and my greatest fear in my eating disorder.
Now I am there for others like myself. This is the natural course my life took. I am so grateful for those who supported and continue to support me and most of all I am grateful that I took the risk to ask for it.
I too would like to hear your story. I have experienced that overwhelming shame. I feel so much compassion for other people and their struggle, and yet it is sometimes difficult to let in the compassion for oneself. I hope that you will let me be there for you to hear your story.
I hear your desperation and the unbearable weight of your shame...and like the other writer, I encourage you to reach out becuase there are people who understand and can relate to your story and your sense of shame. There is help....but I know it takes an awful lot of courage to reach out....and you've made the first step!
These are feelings we all can relate to. I had an eating disorder in my adolescence and have almost recovered fully. There is hope. Please share with us your story - we'd like to hear more and help support you.
I've been in therapy for years, and not once have I shared with my therapist that I have been bulimic or that I have problems with food. I didn't mean to keep it a secret consciously. In fact, I’ve read literature on eating disorders and bulimia, and never connected it with my own behavior. It has been my own dirty secret from everyone – including myself.
I am experiencing new insight around my relationship with food. I use it to keep my anxiety at bay. I believe I am also using it to keep myself distant from being intimate with my partner. During the day – I don’t have time to think. My anxiety reaches its peak at night when I need to sleep. Then I find myself compulsively stuffing myself with junk food, or simply overeating good food, before I can even consider going to bed. Filling my stomach deadens my feelings of being overwhelmed. Unfortunately I am also gaining weight. As a result, I don’t want to be intimate with my partner because I feel ugly and fat and I don’t want him to see me. This just adds to my general anxiety, stress, and self loathing.
I used to make myself throw up after binging on food. I remember – damp down the anxiety – and then throw it up to preserve my figure. I think I was able to disconnect from that reality, because I didn’t do it all the time. Somehow that made me different from other people who have eating disorders. Now I am realizing that I am not different and also how deep my shame lies.
When I brought this in to my therapy session, I felt the most overwhelming anxiety take over. As I experienced how huge my anxiety is, it made complete sense to me why I’ve been covering it up with food. To be alone with my anxiety is intolerable. I was only able to allow it to come up because I had the support of my therapist in that moment. She was completely non-judgmental. It helped give me an alternative to my own judgmental attitude.
With this new knowledge I have been able to read these posts again, and it feels as if I am reading them for the first time. I am learning about myself through them. I feel truly humbled by the courage that it takes to speak out about having an eating disorder.
At the same time, I am still caught up in my own. I am no longer bulimic, but I am still overeating. I am struggling with anxiety and I feel overwhelmed. I can only trust that as I am able to bring this to the surface, and be conscious, that something in me will shift.
This line of your post resonated most with me. Over the weekend we had visitors, an old friend from work, her husband and daughter. This beautiful child is nine years old and is about 50 pounds overweight. As with a lot of people I've watched with new eyes since therapy, I watched the interaction between the parents and this beautiful little girl, and it so upset me I was relieved when they finally left. In this child I saw myself, the chubby, fretful and food-driven little creature. My friend talked about how her children never had soothers but would chew blankets, remotes, toys, and totally destroy them, ha ha isn't that funny. All I could think of, was what has been stirred up in the child's energy system that makes them seek solace in chewing, eating, devouring something...From what I know of my friend, she is very hyper, loud, and up and down emotionally all the time. She tries to monitor the amount of food her daughter takes in, but her husband is very laid back about it. They are not always on the same page about her care. I could see that her daughter is using food as some kind of comfort blanket. It made such sense to me, for myself, that it was painful. AFter they left I felt urges to escape in food myself, and I "embibed" in junk food, but didn't want to get rid of it. I just sat with the ill. I was exhausted from the day and the processing of my own feelings and I had to go to bed early, I was just too overwhelmed to work with it. I know I'll have a lot more feelings around this as the week progresses.
Thank you for your post and your honesty around how the visit with your friend and her family affected you. I could really hear that you truly saw that little girl and that it stirred very real feelings inside of you. I can relate to seeing yourself in other children. I just recently had a visit from my sister and her family from out west. It had been 3 years since I had seen her or her children. My eyes were somewhat opened to the dynamics between my sister, her husband and their children. I also really related to their middle child (as I myself am a middle child) and he said something that I later shared with my therapist would have been exactly what I would have said as a child. Yet, in that moment I did not connect with my nephew I was only like a neutral observer hearing what he said, relating to it but not connecting that it was out of his fears by which he spoke. From your post I sense that you had compassion for that little girl and what she is going through. I felt/feel badly that in that moment with my nephew I was unable to see his fears and have compassion towards him. I realize that there are many parts of me that are still cut off. However, somehow reading how you related to this little girl has opened my heart just slightly to being able to "feel" for my nephew. For this I thank you.
I'm really moved by your heart for this little girl who really needs to be seen and you saw her. Perhaps there is something in that that makes the void just a little bit easier. I know that I too can seek comfort in food and find myself lately really trying to fill that emptiness.
It can be so hard to bear when the sense of abandonment runs so deep - belly deep, bone deep and the emptiness can feel like it will split me open - sometimes food is the glue that holds it together.
I've been struggling this week with feeling empty, lonely, and scared...and my way of coping with these feelings is to eat rich and heavy foods that are hard to digest. So I've been eating lots of bread and cheese, and feeling constipated as a result. Then to sort of perk myself up I eat sweets which give me energy and a kind of happy feeling. But something is changing for me because I'm not as comfortable with the constipation feeling as I used to be, and also I know that a better way of getting that energetic feeling is to go to the gym and eat fruits and vegetables...also I'm feeling fat and lethargic. It's that empty feeling that I want to fill up, I feel so ungrounded and scared and like I'm just floating along, drifting in the wind, untethered to anything. Fill it up, fill it up! I soothe myself by eating comfort food that I can hang on to, literally. I'm getting more conscious about this all the time, and I'm even starting to like the feeling of letting go, sometimes. Right now I'm feeling discomfort and I plan to go to the gym tonight to try to set myself on the right track...but I'm afraid of what feelings might come up in my gut once I'm regular again.
Thank you for your honesty in your post regarding filling the emptiness with food. I know that I use to and probably to a degree still do use food as a means of comfort. For the majority of my life I was an average weight but that was not necessarily an indicator that I had food issues under control. I use to eat whatever I wanted and to be honest it really did not have a significant impact on me. Perhaps over the years I fluctuated up and down within 10 pounds. I recall driving home and lining up in my head the junk food I had available to me when I got home. I had chips, licorice, chocolate sunflower seeds etc etc. Just thinking what I had to come home to gave me a sense of relief and comfort. I would not say that I really gorged on any one food but I certainly was a "grazer". I grazed all night long. However, when I hit my mid thirties I think my metabolism started to slow down coupled with going on an anti-anxiety medication. Within a few short years I put on 75 pounds. With the weight being an outward indicator of my eating I did become more conscious around the fact that used food for comfort. When I was thin it was easy to delude myself into thinking that food was not an issue. However, as I packed the weight on I became more and more aware of how I used eating to smother or hide my true emotions. Three years ago, I decided that I needed to take control in this area of my life and it took me well over a year but I lost 75 pounds. It has been two years since I have been back to my "normal" weight but to maintain this weight it takes a considerable amount of effort to remain conscious around my eating. Food still brings me great joy and comfort. There are times when I still think about what I have in my cupboards and fridge and it brings me comfort. As I stated earlier the key for me is to stay conscious around food. I am learning many lessons (and not simply pertaining to food) about the importance of staying conscious in all aspects of my life as I see this as being essential to my emotional growth.
I too have a struggle with filling the emptiness...I use both food and shopping as a salve, but it doesn't last long enough to fill that void. I now have some extra pounds and a closet full of clothes that I've accumulated in the search for relief. I agree that being physical does help, and then I feel in control again..whether it's a walk, dancing, biking, something physical seems to the key to expelling whatever angst has got a hold of me in that moment...the thing is , I don't always think of the physical relief until it's after the fact...\i guess we just have to keep on trying...enjoy your gym time, and keep us posted on your struggle..
I too suffer from an eating disorder, namely, bulimia nervosa. After a similar battle with anorexia, where I was weak and bed-ridden for a few days after my body just stopped working, I was ecstatic when at 17, I discovered that I could eat whatever I wanted and then "just get rid". Wow. You must understand that up until that point, food had absolutely ruled my existence. Comments on my being "husky" and "big-boned" and having a "large frame" did nothing for my budding teenager-lets-compare-myself-to-all-the-blonder-prettier-skinnier girls around me. The thought of myself in a bathing suit was absolutely revolting, because of my sadly skewered self image and low self esteem. My mother was hyper vigilant about food, and she herself always "battled the bulge" as she called it. My father was also heavy, so our focus was always on food and how much of it we shouldn't eat. Not fun for an Italian household.
So, when I did it the first time, it was euphoric. I would eat a meal, have that extra dessert and treats, then get rid of it. That was the beginning of a long, slow journey of secrets and lies. Food the enemy and now food the friend, I felt I could do it all. And, though I did lose a little bit of weight, I mostly just felt bloated and uncomfortable. BUT! I had won some kind of battle, I felt like I was in control over the food, that it had no control over me. O Yeah.My brother admitted to me that he and my mother used to stand outside the bathroom door and listen - and then my mother told me that she would `send me to the doctor if that`s what I was doing` Of course I denied it everything, and continued through relationships and marriage undetected.
Now I am over fifty and still struggle. I must say I haven`t had an `urge` for months - I just want a healthy body. I suppose it`s never too late, but it hasn`t come without its price....weakened teeth, digestive problems, bowel problems. I am more in my body since therapy, but now I have to accept the body I`ve created.
Ifeel so grateful to have this venue to talk about such things that hereto for have remained a `dirty little secret` - I know I am not alone - thank you
When I was a teenager, I had no technical words for what I was doing, I just knew that I felt powerful when I could control my body. By 'control', I mean not eating for hours, watching other's eat and having the discipline to abstain from it. I recall being in bed at night and feeling the bones of my pelvis and thinking that I was finally in control of things. This phase ended and soon, I was scared of what I was doing. I noticed that I was weak and couldn't concentrate. I became isolated and didn't want to see people. I lost interest in life.
I recall the first time I read the words 'eating disorder'. In my fear, I started to research what I was doing. I was so ashamed of this world that I had created for myself and I was aware that I could not get out. I think this is what scared me the most. I was not in control of my eating disorder. So I read about anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. I read and read all the time. I figured that if I knew enough about it, I could begin to control it. But the symptoms persisted. Yet I still felt that I could keep it to myself. I began writing in a journal, initially to keep on top of what my caloric intake and quotes about food and information on how to stay thin. This was my secret world. So I went up and down, all alone, terrified, lonely and strong- willed. On the outside, I looked like I was okay. That is so ironic about my eating disorder. It looked as if I was managing. I could work, I had a boyfriend...but I knew that the eating disorder was in control of me. It took so much work and energy to think about food, to be hungry, to run so much, to hide it all.
I had been to counselling over the years for my eating disorder. It helped me manage my symptoms but it wasn't until much later on that I decided to look at why I was doing this to myself. The first time I went to see my therapist, it was because my marriage fell apart. I was so devastated by the divorce, I felt as though my whole life was really ending. She helped me to recognize that I had a right to my feelings and that I was not alone. But I still felt exposed. Unlike the eating disorder, I could not hide a 'failed' marriage. Everyone knew. It was like walking around naked. Everyone could see my pain. This was the mythology that I needed to break down. This is how I was seeing the world. My therapist helped me understand that this was my percepetion. She helped me understand how this perception came about and how my own history 'fed' into my emaciated self-identity.
I am rebuilding trust in myself and learning how to live in this world and in my body. As I go back and reclaim my story of who I am, I am discovering the complexity of isolation and how it develops in me. This work in therapy is about taking back my life.
Your entry ends with the words taking back my life. For me personally those are revolutionary words. I like it! I can only imagine at this point what those words mean. Yet, I feel intuitively what that means for you with no words yet myself. I can hopefully learn from your journey to find my very own way, my own way those are the words that keep going.I hope we can keep in touch through this discussion so I can have the courage to share my herstory. Thanks.
I've been reading these
I've been reading these postings and struggling with feelings of sadness around my own eating issues. I mostly try to ignore what I do. Unlike anorexia, I eat to fill my sadness and to control my anxiety. I used to eat compulsively. I should say overeat. Then, to counteract what I had done - I would force myself to throw up. Over the years, I didn't tell anyone about what I was doing. It was my secret. The way that I was able to cope with my feelings, and still control my weight. Through therapy, I have been able to gain some insight into my anxiety and gradually my depression has disappeared. My view of myself and life has been modified, and in general, I have learned to love life. The nameless anxiety is still inside of me however, and when I am under stress, my old habits come back. I find myself eating compulsively to numb my painful feelings. It is a temporary fix, and often leaves me feeling physically uncomfortable and ashamed. I am fighting it. I no longer allow myself to purge, even though the desire to clean out my body is still strong. I know that it is unhealthy, and it is also masking what I have just done. I am working hard to face myself and my pain. I've also had to face the shame of it - though mostly in private. I haven't even admitted it to my partner, though I think he wonders at how I sometimes binge. I have finally brought it in to my therapist - though I can't describe how hard that was. I honestly thought I would crumple up and die with the shame of it. Her complete acceptance made it feel almost anticlimatic! I don't know what I thought would happen. I started to feel better about myself. More accepting. It is easier writing about it in this forum, because of the anonymity - I feel safe. Somehow, it also helps me - because on some level, my experience is outside of myself. I can own it. For so long, I haven't owned it, even to myself. Sharing with other people has helped me see what I do with a little more give and take. I'm still ashamed enough of it not to share openly with my family or friends. I can share openly in this forum, and with my therapist. Some of the burden of it has lifted. I see some improvement. I also feel sometimes that it is forgivable. We humans carry with us great pain sometimes, and I feel compassion for those of us who sometimes seek some temporary relief. I am saying that in third person - sometimes it is harder to feel compassion for me - but I am learning.
I feel quite moved by
I feel quite moved by the support that has popped up here, for the stories that have been shared and much compassion for the original poster. It takes allot of courage to ask for help! I generally don't talk much about the years that I struggled with my eating disorder, but I wanted to add a little here about my experience as well, with hope that it can encourage the continuing of the sharing of stories.
My issues with eating began around age eleven and at twelve I was diagnosed with anorexia. I struggled actively with it into my twenties and it was a very hard and painful time. I felt as though I found my strength to live in being a very low body weight and my survival depended on it!.To the last person who posted, you said that what you came to understand was that your ED was built to isolate you from the world. I find that realisation very powerful... and relevant to my experience as well.
I had a desperate need for a safe place to land in the world, to be seen in a way that felt safe for me. My disorder was 'my voice' for the deep pain and shame that I held in my body and the manifestation of the silence that I carried from such a young age...it was my way of screaming how hurt I was...that's difficult for me to say.
It was a long journey! I was fortunate that I found support along the way and I managed to peek out enough at times to really take it in. What I really needed wasn't found with those that stood there forcing me to take in, though I realise that they too helped me to live, but it was the few people who could bear to witness and be with me in a human way.
I found that the experience of pregnancy and nourishing my growing child had quite a profound effect on me. It was the first time I really allowed myself to eat in a healthy way. There were concerns from my doctors and midwives because of my prior history but it ended up being a real turning point. I gained a substantial amount of weight during those nine months. Almost half of my prior body weight!
To say that my issues with my body and eating having completely gone away wouldn't be accurate. But as soon as those familiar patterns of thinking or behaving pop up today I recognise them for what they are and deal with my feelings in much better ways. But I am aware that it will be a struggle to be completely comfortable and at home in my body for the rest of my life.
I continue to learn in many ways..about being fully in my body, how to reach out, how to let others reach in. I am thankful for the other kindred souls out there who help support and give me courage. Now in a way I have almost come full circle, one of many I think and I am about to begin a new chapter of being blessed to help others and for that I feel truly thankful and inspired.
You are not alone...
I appreciate your honesty and I truly understand the feelings of isolation associated with an eating disorder. I suffered myself for years and felt completely ashamed and alone and angry. There were many things that contributed to helping me come out of my shell and one of them was to reach out and open up the very thing I felt so ashamed of. And it helped. As difficult as reaching out was, it was becoming harder to keep it in. I think of a quote that resonated with me so much at the time by Anais Nin: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
At the time it did not feel like blossoming!!!... but it felt painful and at the same time there was such a strong yearning to be seen. I had silenced myself for so long about what was really happening with me and why I was in this. The discovery that I could be supported was a process that to this day I still need and cherish. The one thing about my eating disorder that I realize - it was built to isolate me from the world. This opening up has been a journey of discovery of who I really am, and it was through connection with others that I discovered my needs, that I identified what my pain was. It was the very act of reaching out that helped support me week after week unitl I had the ability to feel held and seen. This was my greatest wish and my greatest fear in my eating disorder.
Now I am there for others like myself. This is the natural course my life took. I am so grateful for those who supported and continue to support me and most of all I am grateful that I took the risk to ask for it.
Anonymous.
I need help
I am so filled with shame. I am afraid to tell anyone. I don't know who to ask. I am an adult and feel like such a failure.
Thank you.....thank you so much.
Thank you for reaching out to me......I am gathering the courage to tell my story.
I too would like to hear
I too would like to hear your story. I have experienced that overwhelming shame. I feel so much compassion for other people and their struggle, and yet it is sometimes difficult to let in the compassion for oneself. I hope that you will let me be there for you to hear your story.
Dear "I need help"
I hear your desperation and the unbearable weight of your shame...and like the other writer, I encourage you to reach out becuase there are people who understand and can relate to your story and your sense of shame. There is help....but I know it takes an awful lot of courage to reach out....and you've made the first step!
These are feelings we all can
These are feelings we all can relate to. I had an eating disorder in my adolescence and have almost recovered fully. There is hope. Please share with us your story - we'd like to hear more and help support you.
New consciousness around Bulimia
I've been in therapy for years, and not once have I shared with my therapist that I have been bulimic or that I have problems with food. I didn't mean to keep it a secret consciously. In fact, I’ve read literature on eating disorders and bulimia, and never connected it with my own behavior. It has been my own dirty secret from everyone – including myself.
I am experiencing new insight around my relationship with food. I use it to keep my anxiety at bay. I believe I am also using it to keep myself distant from being intimate with my partner. During the day – I don’t have time to think. My anxiety reaches its peak at night when I need to sleep. Then I find myself compulsively stuffing myself with junk food, or simply overeating good food, before I can even consider going to bed. Filling my stomach deadens my feelings of being overwhelmed. Unfortunately I am also gaining weight. As a result, I don’t want to be intimate with my partner because I feel ugly and fat and I don’t want him to see me. This just adds to my general anxiety, stress, and self loathing.
I used to make myself throw up after binging on food. I remember – damp down the anxiety – and then throw it up to preserve my figure. I think I was able to disconnect from that reality, because I didn’t do it all the time. Somehow that made me different from other people who have eating disorders. Now I am realizing that I am not different and also how deep my shame lies.
When I brought this in to my therapy session, I felt the most overwhelming anxiety take over. As I experienced how huge my anxiety is, it made complete sense to me why I’ve been covering it up with food. To be alone with my anxiety is intolerable. I was only able to allow it to come up because I had the support of my therapist in that moment. She was completely non-judgmental. It helped give me an alternative to my own judgmental attitude.
With this new knowledge I have been able to read these posts again, and it feels as if I am reading them for the first time. I am learning about myself through them. I feel truly humbled by the courage that it takes to speak out about having an eating disorder.
At the same time, I am still caught up in my own. I am no longer bulimic, but I am still overeating. I am struggling with anxiety and I feel overwhelmed. I can only trust that as I am able to bring this to the surface, and be conscious, that something in me will shift.
"Filling my stomach deadens my feelings of being overwhelmed"
This line of your post resonated most with me. Over the weekend we had visitors, an old friend from work, her husband and daughter. This beautiful child is nine years old and is about 50 pounds overweight. As with a lot of people I've watched with new eyes since therapy, I watched the interaction between the parents and this beautiful little girl, and it so upset me I was relieved when they finally left. In this child I saw myself, the chubby, fretful and food-driven little creature. My friend talked about how her children never had soothers but would chew blankets, remotes, toys, and totally destroy them, ha ha isn't that funny. All I could think of, was what has been stirred up in the child's energy system that makes them seek solace in chewing, eating, devouring something...From what I know of my friend, she is very hyper, loud, and up and down emotionally all the time. She tries to monitor the amount of food her daughter takes in, but her husband is very laid back about it. They are not always on the same page about her care. I could see that her daughter is using food as some kind of comfort blanket. It made such sense to me, for myself, that it was painful. AFter they left I felt urges to escape in food myself, and I "embibed" in junk food, but didn't want to get rid of it. I just sat with the ill. I was exhausted from the day and the processing of my own feelings and I had to go to bed early, I was just too overwhelmed to work with it. I know I'll have a lot more feelings around this as the week progresses.
Your Post Means Alot
Thank you for your post and your honesty around how the visit with your friend and her family affected you. I could really hear that you truly saw that little girl and that it stirred very real feelings inside of you. I can relate to seeing yourself in other children. I just recently had a visit from my sister and her family from out west. It had been 3 years since I had seen her or her children. My eyes were somewhat opened to the dynamics between my sister, her husband and their children. I also really related to their middle child (as I myself am a middle child) and he said something that I later shared with my therapist would have been exactly what I would have said as a child. Yet, in that moment I did not connect with my nephew I was only like a neutral observer hearing what he said, relating to it but not connecting that it was out of his fears by which he spoke. From your post I sense that you had compassion for that little girl and what she is going through. I felt/feel badly that in that moment with my nephew I was unable to see his fears and have compassion towards him. I realize that there are many parts of me that are still cut off. However, somehow reading how you related to this little girl has opened my heart just slightly to being able to "feel" for my nephew. For this I thank you.
I'm really moved by your
I'm really moved by your heart for this little girl who really needs to be seen and you saw her. Perhaps there is something in that that makes the void just a little bit easier. I know that I too can seek comfort in food and find myself lately really trying to fill that emptiness.
It can be so hard to bear when the sense of abandonment runs so deep - belly deep, bone deep and the emptiness can feel like it will split me open - sometimes food is the glue that holds it together.
Filling up the emptiness
I've been struggling this week with feeling empty, lonely, and scared...and my way of coping with these feelings is to eat rich and heavy foods that are hard to digest. So I've been eating lots of bread and cheese, and feeling constipated as a result. Then to sort of perk myself up I eat sweets which give me energy and a kind of happy feeling. But something is changing for me because I'm not as comfortable with the constipation feeling as I used to be, and also I know that a better way of getting that energetic feeling is to go to the gym and eat fruits and vegetables...also I'm feeling fat and lethargic. It's that empty feeling that I want to fill up, I feel so ungrounded and scared and like I'm just floating along, drifting in the wind, untethered to anything. Fill it up, fill it up! I soothe myself by eating comfort food that I can hang on to, literally. I'm getting more conscious about this all the time, and I'm even starting to like the feeling of letting go, sometimes. Right now I'm feeling discomfort and I plan to go to the gym tonight to try to set myself on the right track...but I'm afraid of what feelings might come up in my gut once I'm regular again.
Food as a Source of Comfort
Thank you for your honesty in your post regarding filling the emptiness with food. I know that I use to and probably to a degree still do use food as a means of comfort. For the majority of my life I was an average weight but that was not necessarily an indicator that I had food issues under control. I use to eat whatever I wanted and to be honest it really did not have a significant impact on me. Perhaps over the years I fluctuated up and down within 10 pounds. I recall driving home and lining up in my head the junk food I had available to me when I got home. I had chips, licorice, chocolate sunflower seeds etc etc. Just thinking what I had to come home to gave me a sense of relief and comfort. I would not say that I really gorged on any one food but I certainly was a "grazer". I grazed all night long. However, when I hit my mid thirties I think my metabolism started to slow down coupled with going on an anti-anxiety medication. Within a few short years I put on 75 pounds. With the weight being an outward indicator of my eating I did become more conscious around the fact that used food for comfort. When I was thin it was easy to delude myself into thinking that food was not an issue. However, as I packed the weight on I became more and more aware of how I used eating to smother or hide my true emotions. Three years ago, I decided that I needed to take control in this area of my life and it took me well over a year but I lost 75 pounds. It has been two years since I have been back to my "normal" weight but to maintain this weight it takes a considerable amount of effort to remain conscious around my eating. Food still brings me great joy and comfort. There are times when I still think about what I have in my cupboards and fridge and it brings me comfort. As I stated earlier the key for me is to stay conscious around food. I am learning many lessons (and not simply pertaining to food) about the importance of staying conscious in all aspects of my life as I see this as being essential to my emotional growth.
I too have a struggle with
I too suffer from an eating
I too suffer from an eating disorder, namely, bulimia nervosa. After a similar battle with anorexia, where I was weak and bed-ridden for a few days after my body just stopped working, I was ecstatic when at 17, I discovered that I could eat whatever I wanted and then "just get rid". Wow. You must understand that up until that point, food had absolutely ruled my existence. Comments on my being "husky" and "big-boned" and having a "large frame" did nothing for my budding teenager-lets-compare-myself-to-all-the-blonder-prettier-skinnier girls around me. The thought of myself in a bathing suit was absolutely revolting, because of my sadly skewered self image and low self esteem. My mother was hyper vigilant about food, and she herself always "battled the bulge" as she called it. My father was also heavy, so our focus was always on food and how much of it we shouldn't eat. Not fun for an Italian household.
So, when I did it the first time, it was euphoric. I would eat a meal, have that extra dessert and treats, then get rid of it. That was the beginning of a long, slow journey of secrets and lies. Food the enemy and now food the friend, I felt I could do it all. And, though I did lose a little bit of weight, I mostly just felt bloated and uncomfortable. BUT! I had won some kind of battle, I felt like I was in control over the food, that it had no control over me. O Yeah.My brother admitted to me that he and my mother used to stand outside the bathroom door and listen - and then my mother told me that she would `send me to the doctor if that`s what I was doing` Of course I denied it everything, and continued through relationships and marriage undetected.
Now I am over fifty and still struggle. I must say I haven`t had an `urge` for months - I just want a healthy body. I suppose it`s never too late, but it hasn`t come without its price....weakened teeth, digestive problems, bowel problems. I am more in my body since therapy, but now I have to accept the body I`ve created.
Ifeel so grateful to have this venue to talk about such things that hereto for have remained a `dirty little secret` - I know I am not alone - thank you
When I was a teenager, I had
When I was a teenager, I had no technical words for what I was doing, I just knew that I felt powerful when I could control my body. By 'control', I mean not eating for hours, watching other's eat and having the discipline to abstain from it. I recall being in bed at night and feeling the bones of my pelvis and thinking that I was finally in control of things. This phase ended and soon, I was scared of what I was doing. I noticed that I was weak and couldn't concentrate. I became isolated and didn't want to see people. I lost interest in life.
I recall the first time I read the words 'eating disorder'. In my fear, I started to research what I was doing. I was so ashamed of this world that I had created for myself and I was aware that I could not get out. I think this is what scared me the most. I was not in control of my eating disorder. So I read about anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. I read and read all the time. I figured that if I knew enough about it, I could begin to control it. But the symptoms persisted. Yet I still felt that I could keep it to myself. I began writing in a journal, initially to keep on top of what my caloric intake and quotes about food and information on how to stay thin. This was my secret world. So I went up and down, all alone, terrified, lonely and strong- willed. On the outside, I looked like I was okay. That is so ironic about my eating disorder. It looked as if I was managing. I could work, I had a boyfriend...but I knew that the eating disorder was in control of me. It took so much work and energy to think about food, to be hungry, to run so much, to hide it all.
I had been to counselling over the years for my eating disorder. It helped me manage my symptoms but it wasn't until much later on that I decided to look at why I was doing this to myself. The first time I went to see my therapist, it was because my marriage fell apart. I was so devastated by the divorce, I felt as though my whole life was really ending. She helped me to recognize that I had a right to my feelings and that I was not alone. But I still felt exposed. Unlike the eating disorder, I could not hide a 'failed' marriage. Everyone knew. It was like walking around naked. Everyone could see my pain. This was the mythology that I needed to break down. This is how I was seeing the world. My therapist helped me understand that this was my percepetion. She helped me understand how this perception came about and how my own history 'fed' into my emaciated self-identity.
I am rebuilding trust in myself and learning how to live in this world and in my body. As I go back and reclaim my story of who I am, I am discovering the complexity of isolation and how it develops in me. This work in therapy is about taking back my life.
Your entry ends with the
Your entry ends with the words taking back my life. For me personally those are revolutionary words. I like it! I can only imagine at this point what those words mean. Yet, I feel intuitively what that means for you with no words yet myself. I can hopefully learn from your journey to find my very own way, my own way those are the words that keep going.I hope we can keep in touch through this discussion so I can have the courage to share my herstory. Thanks.