Feminist issues and concerns

Welcome to our discussion board on feminist issues and concerns, we invite your comments, reflections and questions.

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Anger Towards Women

I wanted to post about an incident which occurred today and was actually uncertain as to what "issue" it really fit under.  As I was crossing the street today, as always I am very cognizant of cars turning as where I live it appears that drivers are pretty much blind to pedestrians so I take extra pre-caution.  There was a young woman who was also crossing the same intersection as me and she was perhaps 10 steps ahead.  I glanced to see if there were any cars wanting to turn left which then inevitably would turn onto the crosswalk.  Indeed there was and I noted the female driver saw me so I proceeded to cross with confidence that I would not be run over!  However, as soon as I was minimally out of the path of the car it quickly made its turn and a male passenger then proceeded to call me a vulgar name which is made only in reference to the gender of female.  I was absolutely infuriated when this occurred.  I thought, what caused this man to react in a verbally violent way towards a female pedestrian who was simply crossing the street and had as much right to the public road as he did.  Needless to say for the next few minutes the thoughts that were going through my head towards this man were not exactly kind thoughts.  Of course then it triggered my own history with men who felt free to be abusive towards me and I again wondered what makes it okay in our society to treat woman this way.  Now, I understand that there is greater awareness towards abuse then 20 years ago.  However, even with my male colleagues some seem to feel free to call women derogatory names when they are ticked off with a woman whereas in the same situation if it was a male colleague the same does not apply.  I do understand that this is still a systemic societal problem, but on another level I am baffled when it actually occurs personally.  I feel that in this post, I must acknowledge that this does not apply to all men as I do know men who are very sensitive and kind to women and do accept that my history plays into my overall interpretation.  That being said I also can readily admit that this man in the car was a jerk today and indeed was absolutely inappropriate and that I had every right to be angry at him.

One of the things that

One of the things that brought me to psychotherapy was growing up female in a patriarchal and at times misogynist family. The unspoken sort of mantra of my childhood was "if you can't be a man, at least catch one." As a lesbian this was particularly painful to live with, and it made my coming out excruciating. Although in many ways I was certainly one of the luckier lesbians in terms of privilege of race and class, my personal circumstances were very lesbophobic (even as I write that word I think to myself, don't be ridiculous, you're making too much of this, and why don't you use the word Homophobic instead...well the answer is that in my experience I have found that homophobic and lesbophobic feel very different, lesbophobic is scarier and truer to me.)

I'll never forget when my psychotherapist commented how difficult it must have been for me as a lesbian growing up in my family. I had been used to thinking in terms of my own irredeemable failure, that I just could not fit into my family context, but my psychotherapist put me first. I came first! She sort of reversed things for me, I hope I'm being clear.

Although I identified as a feminist from a very early age, it was in some ways just an intellectual identification. I continue to struggle with the idea that women are as worthy as men. Deep down in my bones I have remnants of the belief that women are lesser men. Thank god for my woman-positive and lesbian-positive therapist! 

  Thank you for sharing your

 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  Your story resonates with me as I too grew up in a patriarchal family.  I remember my parents often telling me that they had hoped for a boy but there were just as happy to have me.  As a child my interpretation of this was that I was disappointment to them.  Therefore, I determined that if I couldn't be a boy I would act like one.  So as a child, I tried to emulate my father and other male figures in my family and was known and described by my parents as a "tomboy".  When I was in grade 3, I had to write a story for a school assignment.  I grew up out west and we lived close to a highway and a railroad track and I was fascinated by the work that was being done on the railroad.  So I wrote a story entitled "The Fight for the Railroad".  The story centered around a young woman who loved trains and wanted to work on the railway.  However, everyone fought her telling her that because she was a girl she would not be able to do this kind of work.  The story goes on to describe the heroic efforts of the young girl to obtain this position and in the story she wins!  She is able to work for the railroad.  However, prior to handing the story in to my teacher I had my mother read the story.  Her comment to me was that "women do not do this type of work, it is for men only".  I recall the bitter disappointment that I felt at her comment.  I remember going to my room and with great lethargy scribbling down a few more sentences at the end of the story.  I added that even though the girl had won the fight for the railroad she realized that this was not the type of work for a girl and therefore she resigned herself to the fact that she would never work for the railroad.  However, a little bright light to the story is that my teacher who obviously had a feminist bend wrote a little comment that simply said "a girl can work at anything and be whatever she wants".  I share this little quip from my childhood because it is just an example of how growing up in a patriarchal family influences a child which then bleeds into how we view the world as an adult.  I too hear and understand your struggle of believing that woman are as worthy as men and are not lesser than, as I also share your struggle.  Sometimes I am blown away at the complexities of our lives and the profound impact that our childhood has had on us.  At times the struggles can seem insurmountable; this is why I am so grateful that I have found a therapist who can through one hour at a time help me  break down the insurmountable into workable pieces that all fit together to tell the story of who I am.