General unhappiness, development of identity

Welcome to our discussion board on general unhappiness and the development of identity, we invite your comments, reflections and questions.

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I know I'm not alone but feel lonely

My boyfriend and myself had a disagreement I don't know if I will see him again. We both have problems but he doesn't seem to what to confront his. If he is confronting them I don't know. I miss him we have been dating for 12 years. I can't talk about his problems. However, My problems are from sexual abuse, finding out I was adopted at 33., not having a stable family or home environment when I was young. My children are all grow up and my adopted mom died 5 years ago. No real father figure. I've been so depressed lately. I have taken zoloft for 5 days now and I'm not getting better. I have to clean my house more and go to work Monday. When I'm at work I cry and this is not good for my job. I have to keep my job no one else can help me survive. I need to stop crying and be happy but when the medicine doesn't seem to be helping what am I suppose to do. My stomache is terrible. I take proselic 40mg once a day due to chronic gastritis, have some copd issues that haven't been confirmed totally no one seems to care because I  smoke and like to drink on the weekends this doesn't help matters. Last time I went to my endocrinologist I was told I had a tsh of .3 (on the line of being hyperthyroid. He said it was due to a nodule linking from the goiter I have) but medication made me worst. Afraid to have intimate contacts with other men do to my life situations. Don't know any history on my birth family. 

(I know I’m not alone but feel lonely)

I feel sad for you but I also feel like telling you how well you are doing considering the circumstances. Almost everything that could go wrong has. But the good thing is you’ve made it this far. It must be because of your courage, strength and positive spirit. There is no other way someone can make it through all this without having a severe self-destructive pattern. You’ve managed not to go that far. So you are wise, strong and courageous.

Furthermore, by coming on here and reaching out for some sort of guidance, you are taking the biggest step to the improvement of your life, which is sharing your problems, anxieties, fears etc. with others. This can do maybe what no other medication can do. So you are so wise and courageous for doing this. I think the crying is natural especially when you are going through so much.

Try talking to someone, like a counselor, therapist or a trusted friend, or find a priest or religious congregation where you can talk to someone. Also, if you’re comfortable, pray to a higher power for strength, courage and guidance.

I think once you talk to someone you can trust regularly, you will get better. A lot of health problems are caused by stress and worry, so once you reduce your stress, it will automatically affect your health.

Lastly, whatever happens, don’t be alone all the time. The fact that you go to work may actually be beneficial. If you must cry, cry after work in your car, while eating some ice-cream and listening to some good music on the radio. Automatically, you will stop crying. Get some fresh air if you can and see the sunset or the sunrise. Nature may help nurture you and make you feel better as well.

 

  Not long ago a brother of

 

Not long ago a brother of mine researched the entire genealogy of both our mother's side of the family as well as our father's side of the family. It was discovered that back five generations poverty, unemployment, homelessness, lack of education as well as disease was the lived experience in both sides of our family. Since neither side could read or write the only records that were kept were through the "poor houses" which were part of the social service provision. The records also included birth and death notices as well as marriage licenses. All of these documents signed with an "X" became part of our family narrative of sickness and death. My grandmother was one of 10 children, 8 of those children died of childhood diseases from a fever caused by "teething" and scarlet fever. As well an industrial accident on the shipyards where her eldest brother of 15 got killed. My female relatives could never have faced those trials with a full complement of emotions in their life. The grief was immense and especially since the men in their lives were drinking alcohol to excess. The struggles were so intense survival and forgetting became a way of life.

"While they share some common characteristics, women who have substance use problems are a very diverse group, with different needs. Addiction is always part of a larger portrait that includes women's history and the social, cultural and economic factors that create the context of her life". (Harrison, S. & Carver, V.p. 253.2004)

    This forgetting and survival is the backdrop for many women as an inheritance commencing with their mothers. If we add to that emotional landscape the pedagogy of authoritarian parenting we have a system in place that suppresses not only the true emotions of our counterparts but also suppresses the awareness and creativity that goes along with it. Struggling with poverty, sick children and dilapidated housing feeds the depressed state. A tired and hungry child with no place or toys to play with adds to that. Childhood trauma can be a deep and awful experience for children Alice Miller (1984) poisonous pedagogy has stolen children's freedom  to grow, develop, live and to articulate their needs and feelings for their self protection.

"(t) Hat when people whose integrity has not been damaged in childhood, who were protected and respected, and treated with honesty by their parents, will be both in their youth and in adulthood- intelligent, responsive, empathic and highly sensitive people. They will take pleasure in life and will not feel any need to kill or hurt themselves or others" Miller (1984)