I am over 60 but normally very active. Recently I have been given two health challenges that have affected my energy level. The first one is osteo arthritis of the knee joint. I havee been in a lot of pain  since Christmas with continued swelling and immobility of the joint. I have seen an Orthopedic specialist who has told me that I need a knee replacement because my joint no longer has any cushioning fluid in it. It is bone rubbing on bone! No wonder I have pain upon movement. I have opted to try an injection which I recently received. This injection is a natural ingredient that kick starts the body into producing cushioning fluid that will replace the fluid that I no longer have in the joint. It was very painful but I now just have to wait and see if it works. I see the specialist the end of August. I am holding this challenge that has been given to my body.

I have had thyroid nodules (lumps) for many years. They were controlled with medication. One of them has now doubled in size and the medical professionals do not know why this has happened. They have scheduled a biopsy for August 28th. I see the endocrinologist on Sept 21st. Depending on the results I may have to have a thyroidectomy which entails complete removal of the thyroid gland. I had to chase after the medical profession for the initial appointment and the biopsy date. The speicalist is not around in August so I must wait. I am holding this challenge that my body has levied and it is yet another unknown.

I am feeling angry at my body for doing this to me when I have been realtively healthy for quite some time. I am not good with unknowns and struggle to hold.

The diagnosis was made about five years ago.  My life has changed in so many ways.  Many losses and changes - job, time, interaction with family, inability to do things that were routine.  The unpredictability of when the "down" times will come is very hard to deal with.  Medications have horrible side effects but I need to take them.  I'm trying hard to adjust and to tell myself that this is a different life but I can't help thinking about how things used to be. Sadness seems to be a constant in my life.

At the age  of 34, I was diagnosed with adult on set asthma. I was having difficulty breathing and was very frightened. I could not understand what was happening. Each time I  visited the doctor, the attack had subsided and he could not find any symptoms. For anyone who has not experienced breathing problems, the asthmatic challenges could best be likened to closing off the nostrils, pursing the lips and sucking in air through a drinking straw. I can't describe the fear that accompanies the challenge of every breath inhaled or exhaled. Finally in the midst of  asthmatic symptoms, I managed to obtain a doctor's appointment and the diagnosis was given.

My condition steadily worsened and I was advised by my doctor that it was very difficult to treat adult on set asthma. This in itself was not encouraging. Eventually I was placed with a research immunologist at the University of Toronto's Gage Research Institute for Pulmonary diseases. For a period of five years I was steroid dependant in order to breath. Also I required a nebulizer which was a machine that allowed me to dispense my own ventolin mist treatments via a mask associated with the nebulizer. This eliminated a lot of the frequent trips to the hospital. I was also placed in a study group at the Gage Research institute testing a new medication.This medication seemed to assist me in the control of the worsening disease I was trying to live with. However, the medication was cortisone based and of course there were side effects. My life had become a constant challenge of balincing medications and their side effects.The prospects of an asthma free future were not even an option!

At the age of 46 years, a very toxic relationship took a toil on my life and I could not deal with it. I didn't know what to do but I wanted some relief. I could not deal with the after affects of this relationship as well as the daily asthmatic challenges in my life. I decided to look for someone to talk to. I thought perhaps if I could just talk to a trained professional maybe I could understand the after affects of the relationship . I was living in a constant state of fear trying to control my asthma and now I could not work my way though this relationship. I decided that it was worth a try and maybe it would help me to talk through what was happening to me.

I found a therapist but really did not know what to expect. I had never seen a therapist or counselor before so that in itself brought me some more fear. I lived my life in a constantly changing state of fear. My therapist encouraged me to talk about my childhood and my family history. I had no idea where this process was taking me but I felt hope for the first time in many years.

As my sessions continued, during the ensuing dialogue in one of them that uncovered a very traumatic incident that had remained unconscious in my memory, I began to cry ( I had not shed a tear since I was 6 years old). I cried for the years that had passed and the terror and fear I felt as a child. In a subsequent session I had a full blown asthma attack. My therapist was calm and her strength was evident as she counseled me through the attack with different breathing techniques. She was not frightened and her support took away a lot of my fear. Any asthmatic knows that a chaotic environment causes an asthma attack to increase in intensity. My therapist provided me with a calm supportive place, counseling, understanding and much more than I could really define.

As my journey into psychotherapy continued, each time I suffered an asthma attack ( and there were many more as I dialogued about my childhood) my therapist counseled me and helped me to work through attacks via breathing techniques.

With the help of my therapist. I came to understand that my adult on set asthma was a severe reaction to the massive fear from my childhood. She had helped me with the release of the fear that had constricted my lungs for many years. The emotional cause of my asthma had been exposed and it no longer controlled my life! Eventually, the traumatic childhood instances that emerged in my therapy sessions, no longer caused asthma. I began to notice that my breathing in every aspect of my life, was becoming easier and I did not need as much medication. I began to "forget" to take the medication with no effects to my breathing. I kept my routine appointments with the specialist at the University of Toronto. He could not find any symptoms of asthma. I told him that I had stopped taking the medication. He eventually advised me that he did not need to see me any more as there were no symptoms. My psychotherapist had taken me on a journey inside myself and providedcounseling along with a safe supportive environment which was very different from the trauma of my childhood.

I have been asthma free for 15 years. When I made the decision to find a therapist and begin psychotherapy,I could never have imagined the enormous results. My therapy changed my life emotionally and physically. There is a good chance that I would not have been alive to post this note.

It is just over a year since I was diagnosed with cancer. Once I recovered from the shock, I struggled with the idea that I was no longer a "healthy person". It was a huge shift in my perception of myself. I thought I was invincible, but now I feel imperfect somehow. It affected my moods and I was frustrated to be falling apart after years of working on myself in therapy. Some days I still feel so old, but little by little I am getting used to the idea of living with cancer and the various symptoms that come with it.