Today, I happened to glance in the mirror and thought to myself I am really beginning to "look" older.  Mind you I had no make-up on so perhaps today wasn't the day to critique myself. *smile*.  However, I know that I feel somewhat of a resistance to coming to terms that I am approaching mid life.  My father who is in his eighties is in a great deal of denial regarding his age.  Admittedly, he is in tremendous health and indeed has the sprint of a man 20 years younger.  Interestingly, he usually does not like seeing pictures of himself which have been taken recently.  I suspect that he is surprised at what he sees in the picture, as in his mind he thinks he looks like he did 20 years ago.  I admire his spirit for life and his regiment for physical activity and the desire not to “act his age”.  However, I know that there has to be a balance for embracing where one is at chronologically and not denying it and at the same time living our lives to our greatest potential in any given moment.  Perhaps this is where my struggle lies in the living my life to its greatest potential.  I am working hard in my therapy to overcome some very difficult issues and yet at certain moments I go unconscious and let things slide just a little.  This is not living up to my full potential.  I do recognize that through-out our entire lives we live, learn and grow.  As I reflect back upon my twenties I thought I had things pretty well under control emotionally.  In my early and mid thirties things absolutely unraveled and now in my forties I feel that I am finally finding my footing and grounding.  However, at this stage I still feel that I have gazillion miles to go in my therapeutic journey. In other words, I am very grateful for the progress that I have made in my life emotionally and at the same time hold how much more growth is needed. So back to looking in the mirror….and the reflection that I see….well I guess the reflection that I see although sometimes a little surprising is ultimately a reflection of the journey of my life thus far.  I think that it is important to embrace all aspects of our lives including the turmoil we have faced as inevitably it contributes to who we are today.

Homesickness

I feel compelled to write about homesickness. It is the only term I can think of to describe the feelings I deal with every time I visit my parents. I find it curious that the words “home” and “sickness” are put together to describe a wistful, emotionally draining, and ever-elusive impression of better times that can never be recouped, kind of feeling. Neither of my parents were born in Canada, so I grew up listening to stories of their European roots, and many times Canada failed by comparison. My mother especially missed her homeland so much that a whiff of damp air would bring melancholy and sadness to the house. I remember feeling both sorry for her, and resentful that I didn’t have what she had, that “something special” in memory. I have never lived outside of Canada but, in the past few years, in some small way I can relate to those feelings of being so drawn back to that place of childhood and perceived better times that I imagine moving back, and starting over, doing things right this time.  Ironically, the place I called “home” is in many ways the root of the “sickness” that brought me to therapy. I don’t know what it is, all I know is what I feel whenever I’m in my “hometown”. Is there a magnetic field in our bodies that draws us and reacts only to the ground we first ran on as kids, where we learned to play ball in the schoolyard? Is it a big delusion to think that one could ever really “go home again”. There are many pros and cons to my living situation at the moment, neither of which would be easily resolved by moving back to wishful memory. Perhaps it’s just nostalgia. Or, now that I am becoming less disassociated with my unhealthy self and more aware and integrated with who I was meant to be, I am grieving the absence of my “wellness” in my youth.  Too soon old and too late well.

I am still taking in the fullness and energy of the recent midlife retreat. The safe environment created and held throughout allowed us all, both regular and newcomers, to share and be creative in meaningful and fun ways. My already broad view of midlife stretched even more to encompass a wider age range, limitless possibilities, unbounded creativity and capacity for joy. I am filled up and ready to grow from my annual "spring tonic". Thanks Barb, for your vision and ability to create and hold this space.

My first midlife retreat...I feel inspired and clearer about where I am at in my life.

On one of my walks this weekend there were a series of trees and branches that had fallen across the path. I could see the road ahead clearly on the other side, but to get there I had to climb over tree limbs and stumble though a lot of muck. As I sank into yet another mud hole, it filtered through my consciousness that this is exactly where I am in my life. I am in a messy place - but I have glimpses of what I can become.

I was inspired by Barbara's presentation, the art, music, readings, and all of the ladies present. Here is some of what I learned...Don't put off what you can do today because you may not be able to do it tomorrow. Don't let fear stop you from doing anything creative. Living your life to the fullest is a creative act. Midlife presents a new beginning full of opportunity. If you don't use it you lose it. You need to exercise body and mind to keep your brain healthy. You can still experience joy and humour, even in times of difficulty and grief and this is acceptable. This is just a fraction of what I learned this weekend.

It is one thing to hear a clever quote or read a book, and quite another to embody these moments of hard won wisdom shared in a circle of courageous and open women. From 40 to over 70 years of life, faces reflecting vitality and curiosity with a wonderful capacity for humour and fun and acceptance, regardless of personal pain and triumph.

I've lived my entire life until now in fear and this weekend I realized that was enough time to waste. I was able to sing a song for the group that has great meaning for me. Last week - that would have been on my "too terrifying to contemplate..." list. Don't think I'll be making my debut at Carnegie Hall any time soon, but I do think that I will start using my voice a little more and not just for singing. I also started exercising this week...

Thank you to all and especially to Barbara for creating this safe circle and community. I am looking forward to next year.

The Mid-Life Retreat is almost here!!  And I am really looking forward to being with my community of mid-lifers.  The anxiety that I usually feel has transformed into excitement as I imagine relaxing and enjoying being with friends. 

Mid Life Women's Retreat May 1, 2 and 3, 2009

A warm welcome to those who are attending this year's 8th annual mid life retreat.

There is a core group that attends every year, as well as a group of new members. Some of the new members have asked me about the details of our weekend, so I thought I would give you an idea of what it looks like.

The overall view is that it is an opportunity to take time out of our lives and renew our energy.

Instead of our mid life being thought of as a mid life crisis, we see it as a crisis of opportunity.

On Friday night we have a group meeting and hear a little from each person. To my surprise and delight, I always find this a moving and powerful experience. There will be snacks on Friday night so members need to have their dinner before coming to the retreat.

After breakfast on Saturday, the facilitator will give a short inspirational presentation. Next we will work on a self-portrait expressed in any way a person chooses and their will be lot's to work with. We are not looking for any representational art but expressive art.  All materials will be supplied along with good music.

After lunch, for sure there will be a group meeting and besides discussion, there could be a meditation or some kind of sound exercise. These details will happen organically. There will be alone time for a walk or rest.

After supper on Saturday, we have fun and entertain ourselves, by whatever anyone chooses to do, prepare ahead of time or just enjoy the show. The idea is to laugh and have fun.

On Sunday morning, we have group discussion. It is not a therapy group, but it is a warm, open, non-judgemental environment where all of our thoughts and reflections are welcome. I am always deeply moved by the courage and open honesty of the women's reflections.

At the end of the morning we have a word prayer where each person says one word that reflects their overall experience of the weekend.

We end with a lunch and head for home.

Below you will find a list of things that you need to know.

St Francis Center

Go North on Airport Road to Highway 9

Turn right and go about 2 kilometers and look for small sign on right side for the St Francis Center

Turn left and follow the road all the way to the parking lot.

See St Francis Center on Google Maps.

Things You Should Know

1. The address for the St. Francis Center is 208501 Hwy #9, Caledon, ON. L7K 0A8
2. Parking is located around the back of the Center, follow the signs as the driveway makes a very large circle and is one way.
3. Bring slippers or indoor footwear as the Center does not permit outdoor shoes inside the facilities.
4. Members should arrive at 7 pm on Friday night so that they can settle into their rooms and the meeting begins at 8 pm.
5. Bring both appropriate indoor and outdoor clothing as there are beautiful hiking trails around the facility.
6. Members need only bring toiletries, as everything else is provided.
7. Members may want to bring an extra pillow, although all linens and bedding are provided.
8. If you are vegetarian or have dietary restrictions please let the facilitator know ahead of time.
9. Most members will have their own rooms with a private bathroom; but maybe one or two will have to share and it will be long standing members who are comfortable sharing.