The Paralytic Effect of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and My Journey Out of It

When I first began experiencing symptoms of OCD I delved into researching the disorder.  I recall one person who described Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as the “doubting disease”, did I check the stove? Did I lock the door? Did I …did…I…did I …? When I first read this quote about 10 years ago it resonated so deeply with me as it completely described what I was feeling and accordingly my actions of checking the stove 2 or 3 times etc.  However, as my OCD symptoms progressed I look back now at that definition and think if only my OCD had stayed at a level of simply “doubting”.  My OCD progressed much further than the “did I’s”.  At the time of the eruption of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in my life, I was seeing a clinical psychologist who suggested that I try medication to treat my anxiety and OCD.  I followed her suggestion and I found the “magic pill” and my symptoms drastically decreased and I was able to function very well (externally).  However, in order to effectively treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder one has to be on a very large dosage of medication and the most disturbing side effect for me was that emotionally I fell fast asleep.  About three and half years ago, under the guidance of a medical doctor I decided to gradually wean myself off of the medication. I was now in therapy with a psychotherapist who was highly skilled and who was willing to walk with me on my therapy journey and together deal with the deep root issues in my life.  However, the OCD symptoms crept back very subtly and about a year after being off of my medication, my life was paralyzed by the OCD symptoms.  On any given morning it would take me between 20 to 45 minutes to leave my apartment.  I had a ritual of checking (which involved two rounds of checking) and the compulsion to check was akin to a chemical addiction.  Together, my therapist and I decided to embark on a two-fold journey to deal with the OCD without medication.  We would continue with the deep emotional work and peel back the underlying layers to expose the root issues of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in conjunction with a cognitive behavioural therapy.  The cognitive behavioural therapy was essential because the OCD was consuming me and taking over my life and turning me more inward and isolated.  The first step in the cognitive behavioural therapy program was that I was allowed to check everything but only one round of checking instead of the two rounds.  I then had to call and leave a message with my therapist telling her of my success (or not). From that point on, things were eliminated from my checking ritual one at a time.  The anxiety of not checking was at times excruciating, but the constant support of my therapist enabled me to have the courage to continue in the program.  Consequences were also set in place in order to motivate me to continue with the program.  I have gone from checking over 35 things which took about 20 – 45 minutes to now a one 15 second glance around the kitchen.  About half way through our cognitive behavioural program I said to my therapist “if this works you need to write a book about how to successful treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”!  Through my reading and understanding, traditionally OCD is very difficult to treat effectively without medication. I believe that the success which I have experienced is a result of a very committed, supportive and caring therapist who has held my hand when I needed emotional support, said “no” when I wanted to put something back in the ritual because I didn’t think I had the strength not to engage.  She was also the voice of reason when I was thinking irrationally and many times I had to hang on to her voice when I did not have the ability to “reason” myself out of the obsession.

In addition to the compulsive checking, I also had developed a fear that I was allergic to certain foods.  Of course I have never been allergic to any of these foods, but I stopped eating them for fear that I was.  One day my therapist and I made a list of all the foods I was “allergic” to.  At the beginning of each session, I brought in the said food.  My therapist suggested that in order to be supportive she would eat the food first and sometimes joked “if anyone is going to die first I guess it will be me”.  Humour is also a necessary part of this journey.  For someone who has not wrestled with irrational thoughts I know that this may sound bizarre.  However, cognitively I knew I was not allergic to the food but the emotions that I was feeling in that moment were as if what I was feeling was true.  Thus,taking that first bite for me created fear and panic as if the fear was real…as if I was allergic to the food and would get sick or die.  At one point I looked at my therapist and marvelled at her.  I said “how many therapists would do this for their client”.  Even as I recall this I am moved to tears at her tremendous commitment to my health and her loving supportive actions.

My life is very different since I embarked on this journey with my therapist.  The freedom to grab my keys and walk out of my apartment without checking literally 3 dozen things is absolutely liberating.  My journey is not complete as I still wrestle with internal obsessive thoughts and sometimes struggle with a compulsion to check something.  The first goal in this cognitive behavioural therapy program is to clear up the external things and our second goal is to work on the internal dialogues.  However, with the tremendous success of the first part and with the guiding hand of my therapist I believe that I can also conquer the internal.  I know that my life is changed because the psychotherapeutic path I am on and the commitment of my therapist to me on this journey. For this, no words can describe how deeply grateful I am.