I think that you ask wonderful questions because its esay to "toss" words around and not think terribly much about what we really mean by them.  I guess for me dignity is granting a respect and a place for difference - an open attitude of "teach me - let me learn from you" and "tell me what you need, I'm listening"

I feel like treating others with dignity is about inclusiveness - seeing where the blocks are to inclusion (visible or invisible) and paying attention to that, speaking it out loud, making it visible for everyone...and this is a particular challenge/responsibility of those in positions of priviledge...we must ask oursleve "what are the ways that I close off the circle of participation- and make a tight little circle of comfort and familiarity"

these are some of my thoughts...i'm interested in your response and your thoughts on this

I have wanted to post on this message board for a long time and an experience I had yesterday was so touching it made breaking the silence a lot easier. Yesterday I attended lunch with my sister, mother, old kindergarden teacher and her daughter. I was absolutely touched by the teachers daughter who went blind when she was about 25 years old from diabetes. This lady was one of the most inspiring people I have ever come across. She was so full of life and motivation. She beamed from ear to ear and I was fascinated with every word she spoke. Even as I sit her describing her I feel I can't do her justice. I was a little apprehensive about attending this lunch and as I walked up to her apartment I was nervous. I was very in tune with my anxiety at the time. Before even seeing this lady I wanted to cry for her and her situation but I do not like showing emotion to my family and I had only remembered meeting this lady once before when I was a small child. I remember the meeting very vividly which suprises me. I was with my mother shopping and we ran into her in a store. She had her seeing eye dog with her and he was big beautiful yellow lab. I remember I wasn't allowed to pet the dog because he was "working". To this day I love labs and maybe this is an insight to as of why. I am also amazed at how clear this memory is. I can recall the store it was in and I was probably only 6 years old. When I walked through her front door she looked as I had remembered her. She has the most beautiful ocean blue eyes. Her spirit and liveliness captivated me immediately. I found however throughout lunch that since I am a quiet person I might not have been heard as much as I wanted to be heard and since she is blind I felt a little lost in the conversation which was taken over by my mother and sister. A dynamic that slapped me in the face yesterday. There was one point during the conversation at the table I moved the centerpiece so she could see me and I could see her. I had for a minute many times throughout the visit forgotten she was blind. She was just that captivating. I have a habit of drifting off during conversations but I heard every word she said and was completely focused on the conversation. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to sit and talk to her all afternoon just the two of us. I am also not a hugger but I hugged this lady goodbye and fought back the tears. I hope since she couldn't see my body language that she could at least sense my interest and hopefully take me quietness in a positive way. This lady also had an amazing sense of humor about life. Her love for her parents was also something I had never seen expressed so openly before. I left lunch feeling inspired and couldn't wait to share my story. I was actually excited which was great. I hope to be able to speak with this lady in the future. There was so much I took away from this lunch in such a short period of time. I walked in with tears for her but then quickly realized how happy, content, independent and loved she is. I walked out with tears for me.

Physically Challenged or Disabled?

There are many terms used to refer to people born with a physical disability. Some I like, some I can’t stand and some I like but...

The term I hate most, when used to refer to people who are physically different is invalid, because it means not valid or having no value. I don’t think anything living, human or animal deserves to be thought of as something with no value.

The next term I have a problem with is crippled. I have never heard anybody use that term for any other reason than to degrade someone.

I despise with passion the term physically challenged. Anybody whether able-bodied or disabled, can challenge themselves physically. While that person is challenging himself he is physically challenged. It makes no difference whether the person is a baby learning to roll over, or a world class athlete.

Physically challenged as it refers to the disabled, is politically correct sugar coated bunk, that tells people nothing about the person who is being labelled. I am not physically challenged, unless I choose to be. I am physically different from the majority of the population and have been since birth. It’s not pretty, fun, or by choice, but it is my black and white everyday reality. No sugar coating, no pity party just a fact I’ve come to terms with.

The term disabled is good in the sense that it tells people I’m different and they usually assume it’s a physical difference. The term can be negative depending on the people using it and their tone of voice, but most people use it with respect. It does mean, not able, which depending on the circumstances, may not be true. If I see a reason to achieve something I usually accomplish what I set out to do; although I usually do things differently from other people and when I do something or give something, I give all I have.

I believe, with all I have that people who have a disability are more disabled than they need to be, because they have been conditioned and taught to react a certain way by able-bodied people. From a very early age we’re taught that we don’t measure up. We need to be fixed, kept in a vegetative state, protected from the world, thought of as mentally incompetent and expected to become more independent than able- bodied people are ever asked to be. If an able-bodied person asks a friend for help they’re being resourceful. If a disabled person asks a friend for help or support, they risk being labelled clingy, needy, lazy, co-dependent, stupid, incompetent and on and on, when in reality we’re just being our true selves, when we admit real needs, feelings and vulnerability. The only difference between me and everyone else in the vulnerability/ needs department is that I’m more honest about it. When you spend 2-3 times longer than most able bodied people, just getting dressed, fed, washed, and doing what you need to  survive, you learn to conserve energy by forgetting to put on a fake mask, and hoping there are a few people in the world brave enough to love the real you. I don’t have the energy to waste telling lies and hoping I don’t forget which lie I told to which person. I also can’t guarantee that I’ll be healthy enough to be with friends when they want me to be, or that I’ll be alive to tell them I love them tomorrow; so every memory and every minute spent with someone I love counts in ways I’ll never be able to explain.

Low self esteem doesn’t become a part of a disabled person’s life by accident. It comes from years of abuse, neglect, rejection, isolation and being told your best is not good enough. Most disabled people will tell you they become skilled at living up or down to the expectations of the person they’re with at the time. If you want to survive, without being physically or emotionally beaten down, you learn quickly to give powerful people and strangers what they expect and give the people you respect and love your best effort and the truth as you know it. People get from me exactly what they expect. If all they believe about me is that I have nothing to offer them, they’ll teach me to believe that too. If they care enough to believe I have something to offer them, they’ll see me grow as I gain the confidence to risk making an effort to meet their needs. Very few able-bodied people are brave enough to ask a disabled person to help them. Our best effort is usually good enough for others, but they’re too proud to expect that we could give them anything of value; so our potential is often undiscovered and underdeveloped.

One of my favourite terms for the disabled believe it or not is handicapped. Yes I know it comes from the term, hand in cap which is a reference to someone who begs, but I prefer to think of it in more positive terms. It tells people I’m different and that I have more obstacles to overcome than the average able-bodied person, but it doesn’t imply that I can’t overcome and succeed in my own unique way. When I think of the term handicapped, I see it as a challenge to overcome, like a jockey in a horse race. I haven’t lost at life until I quit trying, just as a jockey hasn’t lost the race until it’s over.

My favourite term of all is used by those very special people who take the time to really know me and value me enough to call me friend. I’m not disabled around them. I’m just me. They’re the people who are not too proud to expect good things from me, and usually get what they expect. No sweeter gift can I get than friends who let me love them and show me love, and who value my skills enough to let me want to use them for their benefit. Those people I label true friends and I hope they label me the same way.

Kathy Prue