Due to a violent childhood, I have quite a bit of trouble over reacting/ under reacting to situations that happen in my workplace. I am concious that I almost seem to be a target for the bullies that I deal with in my organization. I no sooner resolve one situation (and the last one I dealt with very well to a satisfactory resolution), than another situation is presented to me, and then another. It is very discouraging and drains my energy, depite all that i do to take care of myself. Therapy has helped me greatly, but I still struggle with sending out the wrong subterranean messages. Much peace and healing to all of you who suffer from this disorder.
I can really relate to how it feels imprinted in your cells.
This has been my story. My mother would sometimes beat me and my brother when she was angry. Not every time, or on the same level of intensity. The times that she didn't were just as terrifying however, because of the potential of what could happen. When she didn't beat me, she beat my brother, and that was just as traumatic in a different way. I wanted to protect him, and I didn't want to become the victim. The fear in me was the same. The most severe beatings occurred when we were young - under the age of 6.
The fact that our physical beatings stopped as we got older didn't make a difference to the way I react in life. I have two reactions to even the hint of a threat. Either I over-react – and become extremely aggressive (verbally and sometimes physically). Or I have the opposite reaction, and my body and memory shut down. When this happens it is as if I completely space out. I don’t see or hear what is right in front of me. I have learned that this is a form of dissociation.
I can feel now how my experience in childhood caused deep trauma. Deeply imbedded in me is a kernel of fear that affects the way I am in relationship to other people. I am still working on being able to let it go, or at least be able to be myself with it still in me. It is so deep in my body though that I don’t know how to change. Knowing that it is there makes me more conscious, sometimes, but still hasn't taken away 'my deer in the headlights' reaction to some situations. I am hopeful, but I am also finding it difficult and challenging work to heal and become stronger and more confident.
Quite a number of years ago I was working with my therapist on having been raped - in an emotional moment as I was sharing with her the events that took place - I was struck by intense physical pain that doubled me over...it scared me terribly. We stopped working with the event and she talked me through breathing through the pain. When I was able to be in the room with her, in the present...she explained to me about PTSD.
It felt so strange, I had spent so many years minimizing the impact of this event (one among a few expereinces of rape and sexual abuse), it was hard for me to really believe that my body had internalized the trauma. Although it began to help me make sense of other symptoms I had expereinced for years - like an uncontrollable and intense startle response that makes me feel terribly ashamed. Even today I hate it when I am unable to control my body's response in that way.
It can be hard for me to believe that I will ever get my body back - if that makes any sense...somehow it feels imprinted in my cells.
I noticed there weren't any posts yet about PTSD and thought that it might stimulate discussion to post about this book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz. This is a very readable book by a child psychiatrist who works with children who have experienced trauma. His insights into the neurological, developmental and emotional impact of trauma on children are illuminating and so is his compassion for the grown-ups in the lives of these children. Dr. Perry sees how trauma is sometimes inflicted through ignorance or an inability to nurture, rather than through malevolence or intentional cruelty. I found this book interesting and informative.
It sounds like a compelling book. When I think of PTSD, I usually imagine a very defined and devastating traumatic event. It interests me to learn about how this condition is brought on through ignorance or a lack of nurting.
PTSD: affects my life at work
Due to a violent childhood, I have quite a bit of trouble over reacting/ under reacting to situations that happen in my workplace. I am concious that I almost seem to be a target for the bullies that I deal with in my organization. I no sooner resolve one situation (and the last one I dealt with very well to a satisfactory resolution), than another situation is presented to me, and then another. It is very discouraging and drains my energy, depite all that i do to take care of myself. Therapy has helped me greatly, but I still struggle with sending out the wrong subterranean messages. Much peace and healing to all of you who suffer from this disorder.
I can really relate to how it
I can really relate to how it feels imprinted in your cells.
This has been my story. My mother would sometimes beat me and my brother when she was angry. Not every time, or on the same level of intensity. The times that she didn't were just as terrifying however, because of the potential of what could happen. When she didn't beat me, she beat my brother, and that was just as traumatic in a different way. I wanted to protect him, and I didn't want to become the victim. The fear in me was the same. The most severe beatings occurred when we were young - under the age of 6.
The fact that our physical beatings stopped as we got older didn't make a difference to the way I react in life. I have two reactions to even the hint of a threat. Either I over-react – and become extremely aggressive (verbally and sometimes physically). Or I have the opposite reaction, and my body and memory shut down. When this happens it is as if I completely space out. I don’t see or hear what is right in front of me. I have learned that this is a form of dissociation.
I can feel now how my experience in childhood caused deep trauma. Deeply imbedded in me is a kernel of fear that affects the way I am in relationship to other people. I am still working on being able to let it go, or at least be able to be myself with it still in me. It is so deep in my body though that I don’t know how to change. Knowing that it is there makes me more conscious, sometimes, but still hasn't taken away 'my deer in the headlights' reaction to some situations. I am hopeful, but I am also finding it difficult and challenging work to heal and become stronger and more confident.
The struggle with symptoms of PTSD
Quite a number of years ago I was working with my therapist on having been raped - in an emotional moment as I was sharing with her the events that took place - I was struck by intense physical pain that doubled me over...it scared me terribly. We stopped working with the event and she talked me through breathing through the pain. When I was able to be in the room with her, in the present...she explained to me about PTSD.
It felt so strange, I had spent so many years minimizing the impact of this event (one among a few expereinces of rape and sexual abuse), it was hard for me to really believe that my body had internalized the trauma. Although it began to help me make sense of other symptoms I had expereinced for years - like an uncontrollable and intense startle response that makes me feel terribly ashamed. Even today I hate it when I am unable to control my body's response in that way.
It can be hard for me to believe that I will ever get my body back - if that makes any sense...somehow it feels imprinted in my cells.
Good book about PTSD
I noticed there weren't any posts yet about PTSD and thought that it might stimulate discussion to post about this book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, by Bruce D. Perry and Maia Szalavitz. This is a very readable book by a child psychiatrist who works with children who have experienced trauma. His insights into the neurological, developmental and emotional impact of trauma on children are illuminating and so is his compassion for the grown-ups in the lives of these children. Dr. Perry sees how trauma is sometimes inflicted through ignorance or an inability to nurture, rather than through malevolence or intentional cruelty. I found this book interesting and informative.
Thanks for the info
It sounds like a compelling book. When I think of PTSD, I usually imagine a very defined and devastating traumatic event. It interests me to learn about how this condition is brought on through ignorance or a lack of nurting.
Thanks for passing this along.