Relationship problems, couple, family, parent-child
We invite your comments, reflections and quesitons about relationship problems, whether it be about your partnership, your family or with parents or children, or siblings.
General Inquiries Call:
Toronto, Oakville, Mississauga, Hamilton, Scarborough/Durham,
Barrie, Ottawa, & Northhumberland County: 416-920-9355
Niagara & St. Catharines: 905-937-0088
London: 519-851-1036
We invite your comments, reflections and quesitons about relationship problems, whether it be about your partnership, your family or with parents or children, or siblings.
Lonliness Vs. Connection
I always find it helpful when someone writes on here from a place that I can relate to. I am a single parent and have felt profound lonliness to the point of often telling myself that I was just going to die alone and that was that. I couldnt see myself connecting with someone who would understand my struggle to connect and not keep them at a distance. I have since slowly come out of that place and through my psychotherapy over the years I have come to a place where if I go into that lonley place that has felt so comfortable and safe over the years, I try to recognise it as something that does not have to happen. I am a vital human being and will continue to remind myself of that.
loneliness vs. connection
I've been sitting with how hard it is, at times, to move out of the familiar even when its a lonely place and risk connection. There seems to be so many good reasons to stay where I am and yet there is this gnawing sense of loneliness and longing that just won't leave me alone.
Now my head knows that things are different now, or that I'm different and that connection is not such a scary thing; but, my heart and body are in a completely different place - connection and intimacy seems like such a threat and my body goes dead at the possibility. And for me, deadness is such an awful place to live from.
These are just my random thoughts around this struggle...
Loss of a friend
Over the last few weeks, I have been witnessing my son, just turned five, experiencing his first loss of a friend. They are only a few months apart, and he was his first best friend. He loves him. But, things have changed between them. His friend goes to a different school and has made new friends and is interested in different things.
Recently, his friend told him that he didn't want to play with him anymore. My son was devastated. He tried following his friend around, but that made it even worst. Then he wanted to give him a present because he thought that would work. Then he tried annoying him to get his attention. I have tried my best not to interfere, and to help my son in everyway I can. I listened to his heartbreak and tried to help him with ideas of how to behave. I was hoping that they might be able to work it out. But, it hasn't worked out, and finally last week I had to step in to stop it and pull him out. My child just kept going back for more, even though he was becoming more and more wounded, and his friend in frustration was becoming increasingly crueler. It was a no win situation for everyone.
My son is sad about the experience, but his resilience has amazed me. He is working his feelings out. Yesterday, he told me that his friend is an old friend, and that now he needs to make new friends. He feels sad, and then it passes, and he is full of joy again about something else. It has been a real lesson to me. To let him have his feelings and not try to protect him from them.
What I am also realizing - is the sadness in my heart was not just about witnessing his pain. Witnessing his struggle brought back my own struggle with friendships when I was young. I saw him do everything wrong - and I had to bite my lip because even though I could share with him what I saw - he was determined to experience and work it out for himself. It has been agonizing for me. I had no one to help me when I was young and I made so many mistakes. The difference here is that I had no one solid to share my pain with. No good shoulder to cry on. The fact that I am solid for him, and hold his tears and pain without fixing him, and let him find his own truth is profound. He doesn’t feel bad about himself. I remember wondering what was wrong with me and turning all my pain inward and hating myself. I feel as if this has been a raw experience, and in some ways a healing for me. I have been holding my own pain along with his.
Loss of a friend
I was very moved by the way you let your son work out his feelings of loss. It was a good lesson for me in understanding the process of working out my losses and those of the people around me. Thank you for sharing!
hearts yearning
I've been yearning for deep connection and intimacy, to be known and know another beyond pleasantries or non pleasantries (depending on the day ;) I'm aware that sometimes I feel deeply frustrated when my intuitive sensitivity is at a deeper place in relationship with another than the relationship itself is. Today is one of those days. The poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah mountain Dreamer came to me and I thought that I would offer it here.
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
Lost silent conversations
I've recently realised how many conversations I frequently have( in my head) with those in my life.... oh my if I actually talked that much out loud with people I'd never shut up lol. But typically I'm a pretty quiet reflective type person(not to be mistaken for boring lol).
It makes me a little sad to think of all of these silent words that have floated through my mind, it seems that some have been profound and perhaps others not so much
Why is it that we as humans often sit face to face with eachother holding within ourselves these silent conversations? often important conversations. Is it just plain old fear. Though fear is complex. what are we so afraid of. I feel as though often these blocked up words also block up our energy to love, to live, to create, to be who we were intended to be. It seems that I am one of the worst offenders. what does that say about my energy. I'm sure there are a few people that would have some silent responses to that question ;)
Often these running dialogues even take place while I'm sitting across from the person that I'm having my silent conversation with and yet I still hold my words inside. I guess on a basic level it serves as a protective function. In therapy/as therapists we attempt to work on and assist people with communication skills
What would it be like if we just came out with the things that were on our mind. What would it be like if we just told eachother our feelings. Would it increase our communication abilities or hinder them, bring us closer or create more distance. Telling your mother in law that she looks like a big banana in that yellow dress for instance would likely not help your relationship, but maybe telling the person next to you that something they did made a real difference to you would create that small ripple in the universal energy at exactly the time needed.
It seems to me that the energy present between people is strong or even stronger when communication is silent. Interesting to ponder the power of words versus the power of silence. It seems that allot is said communicating silently.
breaking some silence
I really enjoyed your post and its thoughful curiousity and reflection. And as I read it, I thought about how - there is one place where my silent conversations bubble to the surface...and that is with my therapist. I have found this truely liberating and profoundly changing.
I read once, that in therapy we can find the place, if we choose to allow ourselves this privieldge, of being the spontaneous uninhibited child again - I use this priviledge as much as possible.
I too keep much of my inner dialogue silent - but in the sacred space that is my relationship with my therapist, I have found that she can follow my sometimes muddled, racing and sporadic thoughts; hold the feelings and words that are unpleasant, hateful, ugly, shameful (even when they implicate her); listen to my musings about the world, life, faith, social justice, etc....I guess what I'm saying is that she is a soft place for my inner self to land - and this leaves me feeling less blocked energetically.
This is not to say that there are not deeper, more shrouded in slience, dialogues yet to have...
My Commitment
I have just recently connected to a part of myself that has become conscious to how my energy can effect others, specifically my daughter. Lately she has been asking me daily if I am mad at her and I reply by telling her that I am absolutely not mad at her for any reason and proceed to tell her that she needs to be less sensitive to my facial expressions and learn not to take them so personally. Well, today I realised that in doing so, I am damaging her connection to her intuitive self by not being honest with her. She can tell that I am struggling with something and because she is so young, she takes on the blame that it is because of her, when it isn't. Instead of admitting that I am struggling and validating her intuition about her mother, I have been putting it back in her court and in essence making her lack belief in herself and what she is feeling and/or picking up on. So, I am writing this to proclaim my commitment to struggle with all of my being to remain conscious when my daughter intuits my struggling and start owning my own feelings, and tell her how wonderfully connected she is so I can start to validate her intuitive self and refrain from any 'crazy making' antics in that enables me in not staying present with myself. I apologise to you my sweet beautiful daughter...With all the love in my heart.
How beautiful...I think as
How beautiful...I think as you allow your daughter and others to see your emotions( and hold them in relationship) you will be giving her a great gift. A gift of authenticity and trust. The benefits of which are endless. As you explained so well, the biggest benefit will be that she learns to believe in herself and trust in her own intuitiveness. She will certainly feel the depth of your love in your struggle to stay present. She's lucky to have you as her mom!
Sounds like some very good
Sounds like some very good learning on your part and a good goal to committ to. I applaud you!
Musings on Mr Potato head and beyond
I brought the potato head family home with me today for my son. To my happiness my son was delighted at this little waiting surprise. I haven't played with the Mr. potato head in many years. So this evening we sat down and attached the various pieces to Mr potato head, Mrs potato head and the little boy potato head. My son was happy, I noticed right away that he had a particular interest in the daddy potato head.
I watched as my son started to put the parts onto the bodies as they were shown on the bucket. He thought it was rather hilarious when I showed that all the pieces could be mixed up and interchangeable...that they didn't have to be exactly as portrayed on the bucket. Ofcourse, in my rebelliousness I had to have daddy tote the purse and mommy with the mustache lol
and I realised my own resistances to what this simple toy was portraying and I started to think why does it have to be male female child. Can't there be enough pieces included to make other pairings possible. Why can't there be female female child or male male child and why in our society is that still not accepted as conventional or traditional.
I would say that I have always felt very comfortable inside with my sexuality, but I have had little reminders recently that it is still difficult to just be accepted as me. I just want to be and I want that for my son too.
From the youngest age we are conditioned through a bombardment of sources what the "traditional" family looks like. mommy,daddy and children. My son is still fairly young so I have not yet had a full discussion with him yet as to my orientation,though I have discussed that there are differences in what makes a family and in that talked about relationships between two women.
This evening my son has been toting the Daddy potato head around like he's a god. I can tell that he likes the sound of just saying the word. It's a foreign word for him, though he has had quite an awareness from a young age that most of his friend's have dad's present and that he does not.
I struggle with the feelings around my own son's attachment to wanting a Daddy and sometimes it breaks my heart just a little bit because I know that he will likely not have that. Occasionally I have a day where I have half baked ideas of playing a part in the traditional heterosexual relationship and family and I try to tell myself well maybe...
This has been one of those weeks where it would be so much easier to say yes I have a husband and yes I'm quietly miserable, but at least I'm "normal"
Regardless all relationships are a difficult dance whether they are heterosexual, gay or otherwise...they take a great deal of work, love and compromise
Somedays I wish it was all just a little bit easier
I just want my son to grow up knowing that there are many "normals" and all are beautiful in there own ways
As I read your posting I was
As I read your posting I was touched and at how grounded you are about the situation. I find myself wishing I had a mother as understanding and open as you are. This is a great gift you can give your son along with your incredible ability to be so in tune with him and yourself.
Thank you! I really
Thank you! I really appreciate your comment. It made me reflect on how often I see what I percieve as my shortcomings, especially as a mother. Your comment reminded me of what I strive to give him...
My own mother
I am struggling right now with feelings around my own mother. Fortunately she doesn't intrude in my life - and as I read these posts I know I am lucky in this, because she is toxic. If she was in my life, I would suffer. We all would.
Knowing this doesn't make me miss her less however. I feel sad because my children ask about her and I don't know what to say. She phoned recently to ask if she could see her grandchildren. Of course - she is always welcome to stay with us! But that isn't what she wanted. She wanted my partner to take my youngest with him on his next business trip so that she could spend the day with him and then he could come home...it sounded totally confusing to me. She lives far enough away that it is a 5 hour drive. But - this is the woman who drives down to Florida and Mexico every year by herself...
She ended her last call with me by suggesting that I should want to see her new place and where she lives...as if I was somehow neglecting her. I didn't say anything - I realise she isn't interested in the fact that I am overwhelmed by the roles that I've taken on - a partner who is never home, two small children, a house under renovation, juggling finances, going to school, working part time. I have no time, I am constantly on the run. I love my life, but I am also holding on by a thread.
As it is, my situation has forced me to find backup amongst my neighbours, and community. This has been good learning for me and I am grateful for it. It also requires a lot of juggling to make it work.If only my mother could be a part of my life. I would love to have her support, even just once in a while, and my children would love to have their grandmother spend some time with them.
In my heart - I feel a tremendous sense of loss, emptyness, and isolation. I can't even talk to her and often I wish I could. My mother is this void in me of emptyness and guilt.
Toxic In-Laws
Hi there,
I have been married to my wonderful husband for three years and we have been together for 10...we just had our beautiful daughter a little over a year ago...Ihave struggled with the possessiveness and controlling nature of mis mother from day one which has ended in some pretty heated and confrontational arguments. She sees it as though I am keeping her son for myself only and that my purpose in life is to beat her down and to do purposeful mean things...she intrudes on all aspects of our life and the lives of my husband's three siblings and cannot be trusted for anything...she is rude and abnoxious and the most toxic human being I have ever encountered. I am always met with resistance from her and nothing than anyone does is ever good enough. She cries on a daily basis and is always blubbering on how so and so did this to her and so and so didn't include her....it is completely exhausting. My husband and I have recently u ndergone marriage counselling as the stress was unbearable and she was trying her best to come between us...in the meatime she was trying to us our daughter as a pawn which I wouldn't have any of the sort. I have been in couselling myself for the past 8 months to try to resolve issues within myself with her in order to have a peaceful relationship for the sake of my husband but I have come to the conclusion that it will never change. I am at a cross road in ,y life and struggling with the idea of living with htis for the rest of my life and wondering daily how I will make it and cope.
toxic in-laws
I really hear the depth of your struggle, discouragement and anger around your mother-in-law and her profound neediness which seems to often manifest in control. It is very, very difficult to bear such toxic individuals when they insinuate themselves into your life.
I have found in my own therapy journey that as shifts occur within my own emotional life (often dealing with the emotional landscape of my own history) shifts begin to occur in those around me...like a mobile of butterflies, where touching one butterfly shifts every other one in the whole. It seems that the more I understand myself, the more clarity I can bring to what can seem like impossible situations with impossible people and learn to side-step their "traps" that keep me locked in deeply unpleasant relationship dynamics.
While the toxicity of the person doesn't change, their ability to infect me does. This has been a truely hopeful experience for me...although its taken alot of time to have it unfold like this. Its taken both faith and perseverance in my therapy journey.
I'm glad to hear that you are in a journey yourself with a counsellor..its a positve step!
Re: Toxic In-Laws
I just wanted to thank you very much for your insight into my post. What you said rings so true and I was so thankful to hear from you. Thank you for shedding another perspective on what seems somedays like an impossible task...you are so correct and I just want to thank you so much! Best of luck to you in your journey...my journey has been on-going for about 15 years now and you are true when you speak of the dynamics and the ability to infect...thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!! May your journey be strong and peaceful.... hugs!
Re: Toxic in-laws
You are very generous in your reply and its always helpful for me to remind myself of these realities and i know what it can be liked to be swamped by an intense situation in the moment and feel like you've lost your footing. thank you for gracious wishes...
Caring for others, caring for self
I am struggling with my relationship to caregiving right now. I have several people I love that need so much support and care right now, and I am overwhelmed by the time and energy that is needed to accomplish all that I need to do. And I am recognizing that my idea of "need to do" is in some (negative) relationship to what is probably good for me, and what is too much to ask. But no one really needs to ask, for I beat them to it every time!
I find the idea of "making time for myself" meaningless on an emotional level --- what exactly would I do? I don't have easy answers.
I am writing because I recognize (on a rational level--I'm good at that) the limits of my identity. If I struggle (and fail) to find "selfish" modes of rejuvenation and affirmation, what does this mean? Others say that I am stretched to my limits, and I see no options -- my self has little significance. I realize that I don't really know what "caring for me" looks like. And why do I use so many quotation marks!?
I have tried to embrace my caregiving issues head on by entering a caregiving profession. And I have such good feedback from others... but in trying to care for myself, I feel I am failing in the long run.
I confront my lack of self worth and don't know how to change -- or maybe I can't seem to totally absorb the life changes that I have co-created in my (long) journey in therapy? A sad post in an especially hard time. But I wonder if anyone relates? I try and find energy in my caring relationships to others (and I certainly find appreciation in these) but I am needing/looking for me, and I guess that am not really sure what/who this is, independent of my acts for others.
I am struggling with how hard and long this issue continues to be with me.
I am moved by reading all of
I am moved by reading all of the posts here, so many wonderful threads about the challenges we face face in relation to ourselves and others. Wow. Thanks to everyone for your honesty and courage in telling it as is.
Thanks for your post about caring for self/caring for others. I really appreciate your honesty! and I can certainly identify, it has really made me think of my own struggle with this way of being in the world.
I really don't know what caring for myself looks like. Taking care of others throughout my life has made me feel good, worthy and somehow more substantial and real in the world. If someone were to ask me the last experience I had of caring for myself, I fear that I would be at a loss. I would most likely say something that related to taking care of someone else or something related to very basic self care. Well I took a shower lol (does that count) oops... I would probably say that I did that so I wouldn't be offensive to someone else.
I usually tell myself that there is just no time for that "self care" stuff... how indulgent my mind says. But I would be the first to support another to find that balance for themself. Somehow deep pain and fear have become connected to indulging in and nurturing myself.
The few moments, literally that I have had to myself , I think geese what the heck do I do with myself now? and what the heck did I do with myself before when I had all that time?. But I have never really had the "time" because I have always filled that time and I realise that filling that time makes me feel somehow more alive and also somehow much safer.
Prior to becoming a parent caring for others around the clock became my fuel, my food I was the one that carried all the pain for my family, took care of clients, the friend that was always there. I would do everything I could to be a support and caring presence for someone else.
You would have recognised me as the woman that was always running, for fear that she might run into...herself. So yes I am not sure how to care for myself and I'm really not sure how to let others into my world to care for me. I guess I have always worried about being selfish and also have worried that I would be a burden to others, that I would be too needy if I looked at what I needed.I've held my inner needy child in a profound way.
One day someone told me that they viewed me as a person of such independent nature? that nearly made my head spin What?? and that in my independence I had erected many defences that kept others from being able to care for me. It was very profound for me to take this in. You mean I wasn't just the needy child/girl that was never good enough/
I think being a caregiver is a fundamental part of who I am, but I have lost myself somewhere along the way and instead being the caregiver has perhaps become a defence that acts as a barrier to having to be with my own deep feelings and also a protection to allowing others to care for/about me. I need to find a balance.
How do I find my way back to finding ways to nurture and replenish my being and soul, so that I can be fully present for those in my life.
Again thank you for writing and giving me the opportunity to look at this issue in my own life. It feels to me as though you have have had deep courage in your journey and that just having the awareness that this part of your struggle is where you need to be. Maybe in sitting with what your signifigance to others has been, you will again see the signifigancce of your own self worth. Start of with very small goals of feeding that.
I resonated with your post,
I resonated with your post, and especially took in the last part. It is through realizing how important I am to my loved ones that I am motivated to take care of myself more. It really hit me how painful and difficult it would be for them if something were to happen to me. Part of me wonders is this isn't still feeding into the part of me that doesn't feel important enough - but maybe any port of entry into self care is valid. I am working hard (silly as it sounds!) to take a moment in the day to sit and think about what I need, and then to give it to myself. How hard this is! I am faced with how I completely forget about myself, and also how this feels comfortable.
caring for others, self
I really identify with your struggle to care for yourself , and define yourself outside of your helping relationships. In the past I was unceasingly there for everyone and I think I even unknowingly went looking for people in need, to the point of exhaustion. I was on a treadmill, too terrified (although I did not know of my terror then) to stop. After many years in therapy I slowed down enough to look within and discovered a very lonely insecure interior which belied my outward, busy, confident exterior.
Only in the last few years have I begun to consider myself in a caring more defined way, separate from others in my life. It is an ongoing tough struggle because, to paraphrase your words, I didn’t “really know what ‘caring for me’ looked like” either in the beginning . Yet I am grateful to be in the process because I now find myself as the main caregiver for my partner whose needs are becoming evident and will increase over time. The idea of falling into full time caregiver is appealing because it is familiar, so it is my constant challenge to find that balance between giving my partner realistic support as well as continuing to care for and define myself in the world.
Thank you for writing about this. I wish you courage as you navigate these areas.
I am quite moved by your
I am quite moved by your honesty and your struggle with what it means to care for others and care for your self. I really hear your struggle to know who you are outside of what can seem or feel like "one-sided" relationships as it sounds like its very hard for you to recieve from others in your life.
I know that for me, my "selflessness" (and this really does need to be in quotes because it was never as alturistic as that word sounds) came from a deep place of emptiness/hollowness that I was afraid to face - what does it mean for me to just "be" and what happens if I stop filling my time with fixing/caring for others: I found that that emptiness would bubble up and it was so hard to bear, i preferred the heavy cost of running myself ragged.
It can be such a challenge to find that illusive balance, but to be conscious of the struggle is certainly a great beginning, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Regarding Caring for others, Caring for self
Thank you for sharing. This subject is a timely for me because I am also struggling with my relationship to care giving. It is easy for me to completely forget about my own needs. This week I hit a limit in my ability to function. When a friend reminded me that I need to take some time to myself, I drew a complete blank around what that might look like. Yet, I can’t do a good job of taking care of anyone else when I am this run down. So why, since this isn’t the first time, do I let it happen?
For me it is a boundary thing. It often doesn’t occur to me that I can say no, or that I can delegate. I am also afraid of letting them down, or causing some kind of damage. In theory, I know that I have to find a balance so that my needs have a place in our interrelationships. That means that sometimes I have to say “No”, I am not available. I need quiet time. I have to tell my partner that he needs to manage his work schedule so that he can help me. This sounds easy, and yet – I make resolutions and then find myself yet again over-extending myself.
I resonated with your “need to do”. I am trying to be the perfect caregiver. I am afraid not to meet all of my family’s needs. And yet – this does them a disservice on a level. I am not allowing them to help me, to respect me, and when I do this to myself, I am not giving them the best of me.
I am really interested to hear some of the other responses. My focus on care giving does help me to avoid doing my own work and discomfort. This has given me a lot to think about.
I want to support you in your struggle.
Thank you all
I am coming to appreciate the space this discussion board offers, as I read responses to my post. Thank you for your thoughts and expressions of support.
Recognizing feeling of emptiness, sadness, and anxiety in the still space of *not* "doing for others" is something that has been revealed to me in therapy. Perfectionism, control, and the challenge of receiving help and support (and absorbing kind reflections from others) seems inter-related, and I am learning to take in the help of others more.
But I am wondering and thinking about this idea of an opposition between care for self and care for others that I feel caught in so much. Sometimes they seem in opposition, and I really do know that I have done "too much" for others at the expense of myself: the house is a wreck, I have had no sleep, I feel scattered and unstable. And I need to try and find the balance here. But part of me is (trying to be) on a journey to change my relationship to caring for others, not by finding "the balance" (what is that anyway: 50% caring for others and 50% playing golf and lying on a beach?) but by being more open and present to the rejuvenating possibilites within my caring relationships to others, in family and at work. When caring for others offers true moments of connection, love, and satisfaction, it is a gift to be cultivated not run away from.
And if I can't cultivate and develop this more and more, my new career in a caregiving profession is definitely going to be a bust, given my personality : )
Maybe I want to have my cake and eat it too. Well I do. And I find that the binary language of self/other makes this exploration complicated, as does being surrounded by people who see "time for self" and "time for other" in some inevitable inverse relationship. Their advice and support (which usually involved disengagement from the other) does not ressonate with my inner struggle at all.
I'm not sure about all this, and I am frequently conceptually confused as I approach my caring encounters -- do I need a break, or can I reorient myself to enter this relationship in a different and better way. I guess I am trying to find the balance between the two approaches that I am talking about, rather than bouncing about between them. And your responses have all helped in this.
Caring for others does offer
Caring for others does offer huge benefits. Sometimes it rejuvenates me and fills me with joy and love and happiness. I agree, that the caring for self, and caring for others shouldn't be in opposition. It becomes polarized when the caring for others happens at the expense of self. I often fall into the trap of this and only recognize it when its too late (yes - when my house is a mess and I am exhausted too...I so identified with your description!). I am really working hard to figure out how to catch myself before I'm in the soup.
I don't believe in any set equation either. What I am able to do (and want to do) on any given day depends on so many variables - my health, amount of sleep, my personal life - my needs change. Also - the need for 'my' time and what that consists of changes. Sometimes I need time to get myself organized (I find there is a direct correlation between my inner confusion and stress, and how messy my environment is). It can be alone time, or work out time - or the need to spend some time with friends in a different way.
As I write - I am starting to see that my challenge around this topic is just to know myself better and recognize what I need as well as how I can be there for others. Listen to my inner voice. It gets drowned out by other voices - the perfectionist, the guilty one, the critic, the victim etc. I want to learn how to be more solid. To allow other people to feel their negative feelings without trying to always fix it and make it better. I am learning to sit in my own feelings as well. I feel as if the world will be a richer place for me when I can be there for others, and also for myself at the same time.
I've been triggered by a
I've been triggered by a family situation that I've been living in. Lately, my mother has been downsizing and getting rid of stuff. Two years ago, we had an odd conversation. She 'confessed' to me that when I was born - I was the girl that she had always wanted. My brother was born two years after me, and she has always felt guilty that she favored me because he wasn't a girl. The conversation confused me - I thought - was I the favorite? In hindsight - I have been able to put this conversation into context. It happened after my mother chose to give my brother a drawing that we both loved. Over the last couple of years - things that he and I cherished have been appearing at his house. If he says no - then it is passed on to me.
This situation is blatant and is causing me great anguish. I am surprised by the pain that I feel around it. I try not to blame my brother, though I know that he has profited by turning a blind eye to what is going on. I feel as if my mother is showing me just how little she values me. I never felt as if one of us was favored when we were growing up. Now I am starting to wonder. I feel as if my mother’s conversation with me was a twist of the truth. I feel that what she was actually confessing to me was that my brother was the favorite and she has had to pretend all these years that we were equal. I am trying to be an adult about it and not be upset. They are just 'things'. Inside of me though, I feel wounded.
As I read your post I truly
As I read your post I truly was moved by your honesty and vulnerability. You articulated your feelings and experience in such a way that I felt "there" with you in your pain. I understand what it is like to have a moment when you see the "truth" after you have been led to believe something different. I imagine when you realized that your mother was in a way "covering up" her favoritism towards your brother by telling you that you were the "actual" favorite that must have been deeply disturbing and upsetting to you. One of your last sentences you say you are trying to be an adult and not be upset. I think that the situation is upsetting and you have the right to feel upset and wounded. No matter how old we get, as you said we still can be triggered by the wounding of our childhood and youth especially by those who were suppose to be are "caretakers". Thank you again for sharing.
I wanted to thank you for
I wanted to thank you for your reply to my post because it comforted me at a time when I was feeling very alone and isolated. It has surprised me how painful it has been to realize that my mother favors my brother. I have felt rejected by her many times in the past and I can see that this is a different facet of an old story.
With time, I am also realizing that it may be a little more complicated then that. He has been in an unhealthy relationship for many years now. He seems blind to the emotional abuse that is clear to all of us around him. I tried to tell him once what it looks like from the outside and it almost cost me my relationship with him. Now I witness the abuse quietly. I had a conversation with my mother recently in which she wanted to tell him what she thinks because she believes that it is the cause of his health problems. I know that she won't tell him in a way the he can hear and reminded her that she might lose him without any gains. All this to say - I can see that my mother may also want to do more for him because she sees that he is vulnerable.
Now, I am also feeling really frustrated with my brother though! For living with someone who is abusive and for thinking that their arguments are signs of passion. It is upsetting to witness the manipulation and verbal abuse and have to stay quiet. It is amazing to see how he copes by simply not hearing things said. I can really see the unconscious at work with both of them. She isn't an evil person - she has just been allowed to have her way - to say what she wants regardless of other people's feelings. I think that when he doesn't hear - he enables her to behave badly. He also hurts her. So it is complicated. In a way - he comes off as the good guy even though it takes two of them to be in this unhealthy relationship.
I don't know what the answer is. I wish he would go to therapy. Even though he sees the change in me - he has never chosen to try it for himself. Why is it that some people go and others, in just as much pain, don't? I guess that is a different question for another topic.
love, intimacy,trust
I have been married over thirty years, an yet there are times when I have been so lonely, I have held a knife to my wrists. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I also know that I have never truly given all of myself to the relationship (or any relationship)out of fear of being hurt or humiliated. It is if some part of me was killed as a child. I also know that the only time I can give my all is to a child. My daughter as a child and now my grandson. Now that my daughter is grown, I hold myself back from her also. It has only been a few years that I have understood how my childhood has affected my adult years in terms of trusting enough to give my all. I have not yet reached this point. I have learned that until I am capible of trusting wholly, I will not feel wholly loved and experience true intimacy.
Your post made me very sad,
Your post made me very sad, and also triggered feelings in me about my own situation. I am stuggling with intimacy issues with my partner. I love him, and I know he loves me as well and we love both of our children. It should feel great, but it doesn't. I can give my love unconditionally to my children and not expect anything in return. I can only do this because of the therapy work that I've already gone though. My challenge now is how to be with my partner. I know that he needs me, and something in me instinctively pushes him away. I don't want that intimacy, even though I long for it - at least on an abstract level. I blame him for 'turning me off'. But it isn't his fault. It is something in me that picks up on any excuse to keep him at bay. He isn't perfect - but I used to enjoy him more and now what I enjoyed or accepted in him seems to trigger annoying feelings in me.
Part of it is life - both of us working hard and being tired. But I know that we would be fine if it weren't for something else coming between us.
I really heard how you hold yourself back from your grown up daughter as well. It made me wonder how I will be with my own children as they grow up. It is so easy to love them openly right now.
I realize that I have more work to do to get to the root of what I am doing in my relationship with my partner. As I write this, I am also seeing that it isn't just him, I also keep everyone around me at a distance. I have aquantances rather then friends. I pull back when someone pushes to see me more often - it makes me feel crowded in - almost clausterphobic. Hmmm - that is a bit of a red flag. Friendship should feel good. Intimacy is a hard one for me - it doesn't come easy. It feels scary.
love, intimacy,trust
I have been married over thirty years, an yet there are times when I have been so lonely, I have held a knife to my wrists. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I also know that I have never truly given all of myself to the relationship (or any relationship)out of fear of being hurt or humiliated. It is if some part of me was killed as a child. I also know that the only time I can give my all is to a child. My daughter as a child and now my grandson. Now that my daughter is grown, I hold myself back from her also. It has only been a few years that I have understood how my childhood has affected my adult years in terms of trusting enough to give my all. I have not yet reached this point. I have learned that until I am capible of trusting wholly, I will not feel wholly loved and experience true intimacy.
Great article about absent dad
I just read a very moving article (by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail) about an absent father, who left his family when his son was just 13. The dad dropped all contact for 10 years. It brought tears to my eyes. I connected with the deep and enduring love the son had for his father, and how the son wanted to protect his father's image while carrying his own pain of abandonment. I also connected with the father's belief that his family was better off without him. This is a beautiful story of forgiveness and love and pain. I recommend it to all in this community!
www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/in-death-an-estranged-dad-reveals-himself/article1229172/
Great Article!
Thank you very much for posting the link to this article. I was very moved to read it. My parents separated when I was quite young and my father also struggled to stay in contact and offer emotional and financial support. And although I was sometimes angry with him, I never stopped loving him and always hold him in a special place in my heart for the closeness that we enjoyed while our original family was still intact. And because I always believed that he continued to love me, even when their wasn't much outward evidence of our connection. I have recently been going through a period of reconciliation and forgiveness around many childhood experiences that I had been holding in my heart with a lot of resentment. There is a great feeling of liberation and lightness in this for me and it feels grounding to read this story of another fragile journey of connection and separation. Also, the spirit of empathy and the desire to help others is inspiring!
Parenting
I'm stuck in a very old cycle of behaviour. I know it's my experience of my mother coming out and I hate it. My impatience with my daughter takes me over in the mornings as we're rushing around to get ready. I honestly can't believe how I must sound at times to her. How many times can I apologize?? She's doing and behaving exactly as she should for her age and I have no reserve for it in the mornings. I feel terrible and I desperately want to my parent my child differently.
I find that when I am under
I find that when I am under pressure the same thing happens to me. If I am in a hurry, or if I am simply feeling overwhelmed (usually from lack of sleep) - then I find myself yelling and loosing patience. I find my children react to my lack of patience by pushing my buttons harder, and by listening less. It is as if they shut me out or maybe more accuratly - they absorb my frustration and act it out.
It has been a bit of a miracle for me to discover that when I can make myself reconnect with them - I can defuse my own frustration. It seems to calm them down as well. Sometimes all it takes is for me to stop, get down to their level and make eye contact. I read somewhere that children need that connection - but I've learned that I need the connection as well. It helps me remember that they are small, and that they depend on me, and that I like being with them! And love them of course.
It isn't easy though. Today - I haven't quite managed to do that. I lost my temper when they dumped a bin of small toys all over the floor. It was just the last straw in a challenging morning. SO - Right now they are napping, and its given me a moment - and I'm glad I read this post because it is reminding me to re-connect with them when they wake up - and re-connect with myself as well.
Being there for a child
I have nephews and nieces ranging in age from 1-25. I've been watching two of my nephews in particular for years as they cope with a difficult family life. It's painful and sometimes I disengage from them and their struggle. After being at the Residency last month, where people shared the stories of adults who were able to be there for them in their childhood, not even all the time but sometimes, for some moments of genuine connection, I feel a renewed sense of commitment to my nieces and nephews and especially to my, okay, favourite nephews. One of my favourite nephews is exhibiting signs of real disturbance, and at the same time he is the brightest and most sensitive and funny kid. My therapist is helping me to hold all of these aspects of him. I love him desperately. I see myself in him. I worry about him. Right now he seems to be going through a deep attachment or maybe even addiction to the Wii and video games...I see it as his way of coping. I know that my role is to reach out to him and at the same time, watch and wait for him to reach out to me. Needless to say I am also reminded of my own childhood and my own family dynamics which most people seemed to think were perfectly normal (although when I was an adult my dad said that we were dysfunctional)...I feel part of the circle of life and it feels good to be able to be in a position to give back, it helps me to heal my own life too.
This post really touched me,
Fear in relationships
I have read all of the posts on this topic and am feeling very moved by the thoughts and feelings people have shared here. I am really struggling in my life around relationships. I am just at the very beginning of a new intimate relationship and feel so tender and frightened. I realized this past week, in collaboration with my therapist, that I never learned how to feel safe in a close relationship.
A couple of posts here mention constancy - that is something I really lacked in my childhood. I longed to be able to trust others, to have faith that they would live up to their promises. I feel like my heart is scarred by repeated disappointments. As a grown-up, I have struck some ugly bargains and paid a high price to have some relationships that seemed to offer constancy, but which were actually crippling and toxic.
It feels like a leap of faith to try to open up to authentic intimate connection with another person. It is a big job just to breathe and try to calm my anxiety and feelings of hopelessness. And I can anticipate how much courage it will take for me to be honest and share my heart, rather than forging another 'deal with the devil'.
I am thankful that I do not feel alone as I face this challenge.
Fear in Relationships
It is terrifying to allow oneself to open up to intimacy and you are not alone in this.
It has only been in recent years that I have even been aware of what intimacy really feels like. I can honestly say that I felt no fear for years when I entered new relationships, but then I chose people who were so crippled that I could avoid the whole issue. I lived in fear of my partner, not of intimacy.
After years of therapy, I left a very unhappy marriage and was content to be on my own for the first time in my life. This in itself was big. Then I met a man and instead of jumping in headfirst, I realized that I was terrified. Absolutely out of my mind terrified. This was new for me. I was actually kind of proud of myself that I felt this way. It meant I was in touch with my feelings. It meant that this person was frightening me not because he was violent or oppressive. I was pushing someone away because for the first time in my life it was real. Too real.
Six years later and it is still real. Sometimes I feel sad that I could not have known this earlier in my life. At the same time, I am profoundly happy that I got to experience this in my life.
I know that I still struggle with intimacy. It is hard to sit with and I still spend too much time being busy instead of sitting still with the ones I love. But like a precious, delicate flower that took years to nuture, I love the little blossom that lives in my heart. With hope and patience and stillness it peeks out from time to time.
Thank you for sharing that little blossom
I am very moved by your image of a precious, delicate flower in your heart, and the time and process involved in coaxing it to bloom. I am really struggling around intimacy - it feels like I have my bags packed and am ready to take off for Antartica at any minute. I am frustrated with myself and I have to work very hard to feel my feelings and be patient with myself. My family expected to be fine with everything, all the time, whatever was going on: alcoholism, disappointment, divorce, remarriage, etc. It was a lot to have to pretend to be fine with all that. I realize now that I am just really hurting and I am trying to give myself permission and space to feel all of this pain. I think, maybe, intimacy with another person can wait for a while, while I get to know myself more honestly, intimately and compassionately.
Relationship fears
I really appreciate your honest post around the fear you feel about entering a new relationship and I get it.
I am so aware of my vacillating defenses that create a deep sense of ambivalence when I begin to truly allow another into my heart. I want to experience such closeness, such intimacy and in the next moment I want to push away feigning indifference. I am so aware of the terror that grips me because I fear the trauma of abandonment.
In my last relationship, it was easy for me to blame my ex-partner for her struggles (alcoholism, etc) and the ending of our relationship. It has taken me quite a while with the help of my own therapist to recognize how much I refused to give her my heart, how much I refused intimacy even as I mourned its loss.
I feel now after a number of years that I am truly ready to face this deeply embedded challenge. And it does feel like a leap of faith to come into a new relationship holding the awareness, the fear, and the excitement that it entails.
Rich Tapestry of Interconnection
I have just come from a powerful weekend in which presentations were given and opportunity arose for me to reflect on the many people who populated my life in loving and important ways.
Having grown up in a family that contained alot of harmful dynamics - alcoholism, violence, abuse - I have spent many hours in therapy reckoning with the damage incurred. But this past weekend was a different experience - one that challenged me to examine those other people in my life that acted as "life savers" - teachers, an aunt, a grandmother, a step dad, that touched me, saw me, loved me unconditionally, saved me.
I am full with their presence this morning, even as I hold some of my more psinful memeories too.
It truly is a rich tapestry that generates a life...we have to look at the golden threads even as we see the black ones.
Reply Around Interconnection
I really appreciate your insight - although there were harmful dynamics within my family, I have often been awed by how I was able to somehow get what I needed on some level. What comes to mind is, in the absence of my mother, I was able to connect with the mothers of my friends and school-mates. These connections allowed these women to nuture me and give me an idea of what mothering looks and feels like. An example that comes to mind most often is around food - I often went to school without breakfast and had very little available for lunch. I can't count how many times a school friend would show up at the school lunch table with an extra sandwhich for me!
These memories have filled my heart with gratitude toward the love and kindness of others, and it is a source for me to draw upon when I interact and connect with children. My heart is open toward knowing that I can be nurturing in many ways.
RELATIONSHIPs
2009-04-26 I think the longer I am on this planet, the more honest I am with people the less people I have in my life,,,,sOOOoooo what I have learned is the more I "TRUST' a person the more 'open' & 'honest', I am . if i do not trust them at all,,, i just talk about the weather :),,, I believe that the older I get the 'quality' is more important than the 'quantity' !!! bee from pei
quality vs. quantity
Sometimes its hard for me to recognize the richness of my life and relations because I can fall into that trap of thinking - "I really don't have tons and tons of friends". And yet both your comments about quality vs. quantity resonate with me. I do have a few very good friends that I trust and a growing community of liked minded people that I don't get to see as much because the community is in a city away from my own. I think sometimes its this peice that is hard because I can feel isolated, even as my life is quite full with a growing, exciting and very meaningful career.
I don't know where these voices come from that can make me feel that somehow my life doesn't quite measure up because I'm not going out every night of the week or even a whole lot over the weekends.
But its nice to hear others reflect on this idea of quality relationships, rather than the quantity of them.
As I get older - I am also
As I get older - I am also finding that I just don't feel it in me to waste time on too much 'small talk'. I don't mind small talk about the weather on a fine sunny day when I bump into my neighbours and share a moment - that I do enjoy. But - I don't want to invest an entire evening or day with someone who I don't trust enough to be open and myself with any more. This has meant that I don't have as many friends to hang out with as I used to. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Sometimes a little isolated. I think that I am going through a transition - and I hope that I find more people with whom I can be comfortable, and trust enough to be honest and myself with.
I am writing about my
I am writing about my relationship as a middle-aged caughter of a senior mother. Now that she is in a retirement home, life isn't simpler for me or her. She has needs including self'car that the retirment home does not offer. My siblings & I are exhausted with getting her moved in & comfortable, but she is depressed & has memory loss along with a loss of circulation to her brain cauising gradual brain diease. I suffer from depression as well, am single, am struggling with grief every day that I'm losing my mother a bit every day. I would like to get her an assistant who can help her out need to talk to me siblings, but we have trouble getting together due to busy schedules & it is so sad for all of us. Atl least she's not verbally abusive to me as she used to be when she was at home, but I don't feel I have a life of my own I'm always going to bring her things & take care of her, take her to appointments, massage her back, cheer her up. I go home & there's noone to cheer me up.
I do everything I can for myself and use the rest of my capability for my mother and her even older sister who has Alzhemers, is deaf & refuses to move from her house though it's too much for her, & refuses any help offered by the family.
Everywhere around me there are people in groups and pairs & I don't fit in anywhere except as one individual who's always propping others up. I'm worn out & feeling very isolated.
I can relate to much of what
I can relate to much of what you wrote about. Although I have people in my life, in vulnerable moments, I experience a loneliness that is so familiar to me and I have to work very hard not to be swallowed up in it. Many years of therapy have helped me to feel it, not cover it over and to move through it so as to reengage in life - over and over again. I know how painful a place it can be and how it can be triggered by seeing the increased vulnerability of an elderly parent.
A few years ago my siblings and I moved my father, who recently passed on, to a retirement home. I remember how many things we as family still had to deal with while he was at the retirement level, and it is physically exhausting. Later when he required more care and moved into a nursing home, it was more emotionally challenging for me as I witnessed his gradual letting go of material "things" and then "activities" which once gave pleasure and structure to his life, such as reading the newspaper from cover to cover and watching the Blue Jays games on TV. Instead there was a gradual turning inward as fewer and fewer things and people in the present held meaning for him. As his mental decline took his recent years from memory he lived back in much earlier periods of his life. When we entered into these periods with him, we learned many things about him which he had never shared before. For me the whole process was bitter sweet - enjoying following his process, at his pace, while letting go and grieving a little bit more the loss each time I saw him.
I can really hear how
I can really hear how difficult your situation is for you now, and my heart goes out to you in your isolation and exhaustion.
Your description reminds me of a difficult time that I experienced while taking care of my grandmother, both in her home, and then later in a nursing home. I was single when she was still in her home. My brother did his best to help, but he was often busy and unavailable. My parents chose to live far away and were not available ever. It was a stressful and painful time for me. In my own life I guess I was longing for a family. My grandmother was the only family that I could rely on seeing, even though it was work to see her and involved a certain amount of guilt because I could never do enough for her, or see her often enough. It wasn't always pleasant either, because instead of appreciating that I was there for her - she complained about her son and my brother's absence - as if I just wasn't good enough. I started phoning her every day at one point - and though it started out as a self imposed chore to ease my guilt - something happened. She really enjoyed getting those daily calls from me. I also learned to love her and respect her and be constant with her.
My life has really changed since that time. I am no longer alone. I don't miss the exhaustion of taking care of her, but I do miss her existance in my life. Now, in hindsight, I realise that I gained alot from the experience of caring for her. It has made me a better person. I was loved (not always easy to see at the time), and learned to love, and I met the challenge of being needed and I feel that I proved myself somehow in a way that made me feel proud.
My struggles as a single parent
I just want to write in about my struggles as a single parent. I am not perfect…and I never will be. Just the other day I had a childish reaction and I had to apologise to my child. Something that would never have happened to me as a child. An adult apologising to a child??? Never… I want everyone to know that I would never wish my life to be different, but some days I want to pull my hair out and bury it in the sand. There never seems to be enough money, toys, time…oh hell…lets be honest…me time and well…in her words…sugar. I miss manicures and pedicures and shopping for clothes in stores where clothes come new from a factory and not from some one else’s closet. I colour my own hair and have the colour stains on my bathroom floor to prove it and have sometimes told people I don’t know that I just had a baby and haven’t lost my weight yet and my child is 9! Then there are other days where I can see the life lessens that my child teaches me and know that I am definitely where I am supposed to be and grateful to be here. Psychotherapy has really shown me how delicate a dance parenting is and how these life lessons come about and how it is ok to have the feelings I do. I have a place to have my feelings when I see my therapist and I am so grateful for the time spent when I am in my session. It is my time to get my stuff out. My child is learning everyday how to get along in this world and I am still learning also. We are in it together. I guess this is what living in the struggle is all about.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your beautifully honest post. I am not a parent, but I know lots of women who are moms and I just can't imagine how difficult it must be at times to find balance...you are a beautiful example for your daughter of how to engage with life and its realities. It seems that therapy helps you and your daughter, and I'm sure that as you change and grow so does your daughter -- and vice versa, as she changes and grows so do you! Thank you for sharing the challenges and joys of parenthood.
I am in my mid fifties and
I am in my mid fifties and wrestling with the fact that I would love to enter into an intimate relationship. However, I am comfortable in my singlehood and fearful to take that first step. It is very difficult for me to make a move and age is a big factor, in my younger years it felt easier to 'expose' myself. Now I feel a bit of a 'coward' and that is keeping me paralize afraid of taking any risks.
In my experience working as a
In my experience working as a therapist with both men and women, I have found that both genders have a similar confidence problem when it comes to finding a new partner in middle age. I guess due to agism in our society it can make middle age less attractive, but really mid age has such a beauty if only one could get past their fears then the reach out would be easier. I have found good therapists that have helped me to feel confident and beautiful when I have felt tired and haggard. Having had parents who both loved and hated each other, I had to learn a new model of being in relationship. Being in my own personal psychotherapy journey over the years, I have learned much more about a love relationship than a fighting relationship. The long term working through of a relationship with my first counselor and later psychotherapist through all of its ups and downs has helped me to learn about the constancy that is required in the struggles to maintain a loving relationship with a partner.