I first want to say that I am extremely grateful to have a job. However, I am having a hard time to just "be" at my place of work...I am a creative person who is friendly and likes to talk, but this doesn't go over well with my boss. I believe I make her nervous in some way, and there are days that go by that I won't say a word to her. Sometimes I end up whispering to my coworkers because none of us want to "get caught" socializing. I work in a public service position, so...duh! She doesn't want us getting too friendly with our cllientele, and I understand it, but for many people in this smaller community, we are their social club...
There are days when I like my boss, because she's funny and can be generous, but most times, unless you are literally crawling from illness, or have a good reason to open your mouth, you'd better be at work, and you're better off seen and not heard. This harshness is her touches the crazy button in me, and I have disaster fantasies about telling her off, yelling at her, sticking something in her head, or slapping her...pretty violent,huh? Then of course the fantasy includes me being hauled off in cuffs, and the whole town will have something to talk about again. Her second in command is not much better, but in her I sense a survival technique that she's adapted for herself. I have yet to find this, but I'm working on it...until then, I still get my little niceties in a conversation with the public, but I don't feel entirely free. Some days are better than others, and I am very grateful to be there, but it's exhausting sometimes to figure out the mood she's in, because that dictates my day, and I hate that...Too familiar!
I've wanted to respond to your post for a while. I really took in how controlled and inhibited your work environment is. It made me claustrophobic just imagining it.
It reminded me of my struggle in my last job. I was also grateful to have a job because it had been difficult to find one. It felt good to have an income again - practically and emotionally. I was able to gain back some sense of self respect and self worth that had been seriously eroded while I was looking for work and being continually rejected.
So - I was grateful to get that job. I also had a very challenging boss. She wasn't a bad person - but she was hard to deal with. She expected us to give "110%". Besides being mathematically challenged … it was my job – not my life. I ended up working long hours, not being paid extra because I was on salary – and getting only lip service appreciation. If anything went wrong – I was blamed by the owners - often behind my back.
My boss tried to be fair – but it was on her terms. She ‘protected’ me from the owners on one hand (who were also difficult), but this also meant that I had to go through her for everything – and she had full control over what information they had. All in all – in was a very disempowering experience. With time – I learned how to deal with her. Life became a lot easier when I knew what to expect, and how to behave.
I learned a lot from having her as my boss. I was already in therapy at that time, and I came to see how much she was like my mother. The parallels were amazing. She had control over me, was moody and unreliable, had a furious temper, would trash me one moment, and then praise me the next…the list went on. As I struggled in my relationship with her I gradually found equilibrium. It was healing. I would say that I even grew to love her – because I could see her vulnerabilities and generosity that went along with her negatives.
I look back now with gratitude for the learning that came out of my struggle. I worked though a lot of my feelings towards my own mother in my relationship with my boss. I could never have done this with my mother directly. As a result, my relationship with my mother has become easier. My mother hasn’t changed, but I see all sides of her a little more clearly. My own triggers and reactions to her have become less toxic and I can give my loving feelings a little more room.
I am posting for the first time...bear with me. Work has always been a topic of focus in my therapuetic process over the years. I have worked in the same job/career for the past 27 years. I have often felt that I have to work ten times as hard as my colleagues to do a moderately successful job (I will be posting in the self-esteem and other sections soon... :) Lately, as I enter the last years of my career, I have been feeling overwhelming pressure to justify my continued employment given the number of new, young, eager workers desperate to get employment. It is tiring and demoralizing to feel I am "dancing as fast as I can" and still not measuring up. Work has been an important (the most important, perhaps) identity source and as my relationship to work changes I find myself feeling anxious about who I am/will be without it. This is an important transitional time for me and I am grateful to have a therapist to walk with/guide me on this stage of my journey.
As someone who is just starting out in a new career, I find myself looking and watching people who have been there a long time to figure out how to "be" in my everyday work. While I have a lot of physical energy, I see how the emotional/feeling dimensions of my work (in nursing) can lead to problems now and down the road with burn-out and unreflective, defensive forms of distancing myself from my clients. I see these things in others and do not want to be that way. I get support from my therapist, but I am looking for role models at work as well! Wisdom from those who are experienced on the issues of self reflection and "emotional labour" in caregiving is something I am looking for from those more experienced than I - it is a gift when I get it.
And your post also opened up a different perspective for me, showing me that some more senior people in my profession may see me differently than I see myself -- inexperienced, uncertain, and trying to (over?)compensate for these things with some extra energy!
Work has been a topic of focus in my own therapeutic process...
Over the years work has also been a topic of focus in my own therapeutic process as well. I have been working for many years - this summer will be my 35th year of employment. I also have much to thank my own therapist who has walked beside me during most of my working career. I am learning that we have to be gentle with our selves as we transition to new chapters in our lives. We mustn't forget the wisdom and experience that we have attained over the years so that we can use this experience to mentor the young people coming into the work force. The younger people entering the work force have youth and stamina but there is a lot to learn about life, which we can share with them.
It is hard to hang onto your wisdom when the younger generations can be overly challenging but I try to hold their generational struggle and I also know that when this work period is over I will begin a new chapter of my life which will be based on hope, dreams and passion.
I look forward to seeing more postings from you and to any of your postings on self-esteem as well.
I really hear how difficult the transition to retirement feels for you. I always imagined that it would be wonderful - freedom to do what ever I want! But reading your post makes me realise that it isn't that simple at all. There is loss involved. Loss of income. Loss of work friendships and interactions. The loss of knowing exactly what is expected of you, and the daily rituals and organization of time.
I realise that I also equate who I am with what I do to earn a living. I've been trying to challenge that because right now I am a stay at home mother. It was a huge transition for me to suddenly rely on someone else for my income. I felt very insecure financially and also insecure in my place in the world. Even though I tell myself that I am performing an essential service in our society...ensuring its future...I find that I do sometimes still get that question - well - what is it that you really do? And I feel insignificant. Taking care of young children is not enough it seems... Which just goes to show that there are a few people out there who also identify who you are with your money earning power/job.
Anyway - I think that who I am and who most people are, is not really the job that they do to earn a living (with a few lucky exceptions). I believe that it is the relationships that we form with others, and how we move through life that is important. Right now my tax return calls me a "dependant" - which I have some feelings about. Yet I work harder then I have ever worked in my life and it feels more rewarding to me then any job that I've had yet.
"My own self-discovery journey in life, with the assistance of psychotherapy and counseling, has created a foundation within me to have the strength and courage to continue with my work in unique ways."
Would you Invite Martha Stuart over to dinner?
I have been doing prisoners rights work since I was in my early 20's (over 15 years). It was not something I had dreamed of doing as a child but something that fell before me while I was in university. I began working at an organization that supported prisoners during the summer months of university. I had never been in a prison before and had no idea what to expect. I suppose I had all the stereotypes that most people have based on mass media (tv shows, movies, newspapers etc). My prison orientation was given to me by a Warden at the local prison. I was told to wear long sleeves, long pants and shoes I could run in. I was told that if I was held hostage to hope I lived passed three days because that would make my chances of survival much better. I was overwhelmed by the information and unsure of what to make of it all. My first experience in the prison was one of apprehension mixed with a little fear. I spent most of my time close to the guards and my male colleague. It didn't take long for me to loosen up and start talking to these men and woman. Their life stories unfolded before me. Quite quickly I began to see the injustices that existed within the prison. Prisoners were being institutionalized and having trouble getting out of the system. Men would tell me how they would put cigarettes out on their grandmothers' carpets, bring silverware to the counter at restaurants and be unable to communicate their struggles with loved one. They said that this got worse over the years until they no longer knew how to live outside of prison. Later through my women's studies courses I was able to contextualize the greater systemic injustices that existed in our society (racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, etc). I began to see the larger issues that put people and the law in conflict. My work as a prisoner's right advocate began and flourished during those years. My experiences have since been enriched through work with victims rights groups, harm reduction communities, and transformative justice programs.
I made a decision throughout my years of doing prison work, that if I was going to espouse values of compassion, non-judgement, and the absolute belief in peoples capacity for change, that I would need to be able to live those values in my personal life. This has been both my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow. First off, I am discerning, I do not allow just anyone into my home. However, I raise the question whether you would have Martha Stewart, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Robert Downy Jr. or Paris Hilton in your home? They are all ex-prisoners. They have all committed a 'crime'. How do you discern who is deserving of compassion and forgiveness?
I work with all kinds of prisoners. People who have been charged with murder, sex crimes, bank robbers, car thieves, sex workers, political prisoners, men who have not paid child support etc. I have judgements, it is impossible not to. I actually think it is quite healthy. It is what I choose to do with those judgements that are significant to me. I do my best to be open to the people that I work with and learn about who they are, how they got to where they are, what they want out of life, their strengths, their weaknesses, their joys and their sorrows. I ask that they share themselves with me and if appropriate and possible, I share myself with them. I create relationships. Sometimes I do them well and sometimes I don't. With respect to who I have in my home or in my life, I take calculated and well thought out risks. I choose to do this because this is that way that I believe that the world can change. More importantly, I think that I need to live in ways that I want to the world to be. As Ghandi said "you must be the change you want to see in the world". For me, that means having people who have been in prison, people who use drugs, people with mental health issues (and the list goes on) in my home and more importantly in my life. It has not always been easy. I have been judged for my choices. I have also faced feelings of burn out and I have asked myself when is it enough? How much do I give? What personal risks do I take? In turn, I have also been rewarded with beautiful relationships that have taught me compassion, courage, and resilience. There are many times I feel like I don't know what I am doing and feel unsure about my abilities to support people who have lived such broken lives. Ultimately, I don't know what is right, what is best and what makes sense at times. I do what I can to live with personal integrity and thoughtfulness for myself and for those around me. In the end, I hope that I have made a difference.
I work with a community of folks that face many challenges, Aids ,Homelessness ,Addictions , Mental Health issues.and so on. I too have felt burn out, wondered if I am doing enough,(what is enough?) Wanted to move on to some happier and better paid work space.
What keeps me in this work? When do I feel that I have given enough? Such like questions must arise for all working in such communities along with self doubt, confusion and so on from time to time. I guess for me the notion of doing what I can, coupled with doing my best, has freed me from beating myself up too much and enabled me to continue to contribute and serve .
Your work is not easy and requires great courage . Reading your posting has assisted me to find mine in this moment.
Thanks for your post on your work with prisoners. As a teacher I identify with your question around building positive relationships with the people you work with. In my case I have the sort of added pressure of trying to be a good role model to my students (this year they are aged 11-14), but at the same time I am always questioning myself about my own honesty and integrity in each relationship...I found it reassuring to read that sometimes you do a good job in your relationships and sometimes you do a bad job, that's the same for me but it's hard to live with the reality of doing a bad job in my interactions with my students.
Recently I had to fill out some Safety Plans for my students. These are plans that get quite detailed about anger and oppositional behaviour (for instance, swearing, hitting, running away, etc). and in fact I was told the purpose of the plan is to ensure that the class gets the same number of Special Needs Assistants as last year. I sort of picked up that I should over-state the cases of the students in my class, that is make them sound more angry and uncontrollable than they are, in order to keep the staffing levels the same. Then I showed a Safety Plan to a mother of one of my students and she called me on it. I had exaggerated her child's behaviour, making him sound really defiant and difficult. I am still sorting out my own confusion and guilt around that, and wondering where my integrity was when filling out the plan. This kid has actually shown huge improvements in behaviour and maturity, and I feel like I sold him down the river.
My job provides me with personal learning opportunities all the time because of the intimacy and power of the relationships between me and my students.
I first want to say that I am
I first want to say that I am extremely grateful to have a job. However, I am having a hard time to just "be" at my place of work...I am a creative person who is friendly and likes to talk, but this doesn't go over well with my boss. I believe I make her nervous in some way, and there are days that go by that I won't say a word to her. Sometimes I end up whispering to my coworkers because none of us want to "get caught" socializing. I work in a public service position, so...duh! She doesn't want us getting too friendly with our cllientele, and I understand it, but for many people in this smaller community, we are their social club...
There are days when I like my boss, because she's funny and can be generous, but most times, unless you are literally crawling from illness, or have a good reason to open your mouth, you'd better be at work, and you're better off seen and not heard. This harshness is her touches the crazy button in me, and I have disaster fantasies about telling her off, yelling at her, sticking something in her head, or slapping her...pretty violent,huh? Then of course the fantasy includes me being hauled off in cuffs, and the whole town will have something to talk about again. Her second in command is not much better, but in her I sense a survival technique that she's adapted for herself. I have yet to find this, but I'm working on it...until then, I still get my little niceties in a conversation with the public, but I don't feel entirely free. Some days are better than others, and I am very grateful to be there, but it's exhausting sometimes to figure out the mood she's in, because that dictates my day, and I hate that...Too familiar!
I've wanted to respond to
I've wanted to respond to your post for a while. I really took in how controlled and inhibited your work environment is. It made me claustrophobic just imagining it.
It reminded me of my struggle in my last job. I was also grateful to have a job because it had been difficult to find one. It felt good to have an income again - practically and emotionally. I was able to gain back some sense of self respect and self worth that had been seriously eroded while I was looking for work and being continually rejected.
So - I was grateful to get that job. I also had a very challenging boss. She wasn't a bad person - but she was hard to deal with. She expected us to give "110%". Besides being mathematically challenged … it was my job – not my life. I ended up working long hours, not being paid extra because I was on salary – and getting only lip service appreciation. If anything went wrong – I was blamed by the owners - often behind my back.
My boss tried to be fair – but it was on her terms. She ‘protected’ me from the owners on one hand (who were also difficult), but this also meant that I had to go through her for everything – and she had full control over what information they had. All in all – in was a very disempowering experience. With time – I learned how to deal with her. Life became a lot easier when I knew what to expect, and how to behave.
I learned a lot from having her as my boss. I was already in therapy at that time, and I came to see how much she was like my mother. The parallels were amazing. She had control over me, was moody and unreliable, had a furious temper, would trash me one moment, and then praise me the next…the list went on. As I struggled in my relationship with her I gradually found equilibrium. It was healing. I would say that I even grew to love her – because I could see her vulnerabilities and generosity that went along with her negatives.
I look back now with gratitude for the learning that came out of my struggle. I worked though a lot of my feelings towards my own mother in my relationship with my boss. I could never have done this with my mother directly. As a result, my relationship with my mother has become easier. My mother hasn’t changed, but I see all sides of her a little more clearly. My own triggers and reactions to her have become less toxic and I can give my loving feelings a little more room.
I am posting for the first
I am posting for the first time...bear with me. Work has always been a topic of focus in my therapuetic process over the years. I have worked in the same job/career for the past 27 years. I have often felt that I have to work ten times as hard as my colleagues to do a moderately successful job (I will be posting in the self-esteem and other sections soon... :) Lately, as I enter the last years of my career, I have been feeling overwhelming pressure to justify my continued employment given the number of new, young, eager workers desperate to get employment. It is tiring and demoralizing to feel I am "dancing as fast as I can" and still not measuring up. Work has been an important (the most important, perhaps) identity source and as my relationship to work changes I find myself feeling anxious about who I am/will be without it. This is an important transitional time for me and I am grateful to have a therapist to walk with/guide me on this stage of my journey.
Outer and inner work
Hello,
As someone who is just starting out in a new career, I find myself looking and watching people who have been there a long time to figure out how to "be" in my everyday work. While I have a lot of physical energy, I see how the emotional/feeling dimensions of my work (in nursing) can lead to problems now and down the road with burn-out and unreflective, defensive forms of distancing myself from my clients. I see these things in others and do not want to be that way. I get support from my therapist, but I am looking for role models at work as well! Wisdom from those who are experienced on the issues of self reflection and "emotional labour" in caregiving is something I am looking for from those more experienced than I - it is a gift when I get it.
And your post also opened up a different perspective for me, showing me that some more senior people in my profession may see me differently than I see myself -- inexperienced, uncertain, and trying to (over?)compensate for these things with some extra energy!
Thank you
Work has been a topic of
Work has been a topic of focus in my own therapeutic process...
Over the years work has also been a topic of focus in my own therapeutic process as well. I have been working for many years - this summer will be my 35th year of employment. I also have much to thank my own therapist who has walked beside me during most of my working career. I am learning that we have to be gentle with our selves as we transition to new chapters in our lives. We mustn't forget the wisdom and experience that we have attained over the years so that we can use this experience to mentor the young people coming into the work force. The younger people entering the work force have youth and stamina but there is a lot to learn about life, which we can share with them.
It is hard to hang onto your wisdom when the younger generations can be overly challenging but I try to hold their generational struggle and I also know that when this work period is over I will begin a new chapter of my life which will be based on hope, dreams and passion.
I look forward to seeing more postings from you and to any of your postings on self-esteem as well.
I really hear how difficult
I really hear how difficult the transition to retirement feels for you. I always imagined that it would be wonderful - freedom to do what ever I want! But reading your post makes me realise that it isn't that simple at all. There is loss involved. Loss of income. Loss of work friendships and interactions. The loss of knowing exactly what is expected of you, and the daily rituals and organization of time.
I realise that I also equate who I am with what I do to earn a living. I've been trying to challenge that because right now I am a stay at home mother. It was a huge transition for me to suddenly rely on someone else for my income. I felt very insecure financially and also insecure in my place in the world. Even though I tell myself that I am performing an essential service in our society...ensuring its future...I find that I do sometimes still get that question - well - what is it that you really do? And I feel insignificant. Taking care of young children is not enough it seems... Which just goes to show that there are a few people out there who also identify who you are with your money earning power/job.
Anyway - I think that who I am and who most people are, is not really the job that they do to earn a living (with a few lucky exceptions). I believe that it is the relationships that we form with others, and how we move through life that is important. Right now my tax return calls me a "dependant" - which I have some feelings about. Yet I work harder then I have ever worked in my life and it feels more rewarding to me then any job that I've had yet.
"My own self-discovery
"My own self-discovery journey in life, with the assistance of psychotherapy and counseling, has created a foundation within me to have the strength and courage to continue with my work in unique ways."
Would you Invite Martha Stuart over to dinner?
I have been doing prisoners rights work since I was in my early 20's (over 15 years). It was not something I had dreamed of doing as a child but something that fell before me while I was in university. I began working at an organization that supported prisoners during the summer months of university. I had never been in a prison before and had no idea what to expect. I suppose I had all the stereotypes that most people have based on mass media (tv shows, movies, newspapers etc). My prison orientation was given to me by a Warden at the local prison. I was told to wear long sleeves, long pants and shoes I could run in. I was told that if I was held hostage to hope I lived passed three days because that would make my chances of survival much better. I was overwhelmed by the information and unsure of what to make of it all. My first experience in the prison was one of apprehension mixed with a little fear. I spent most of my time close to the guards and my male colleague. It didn't take long for me to loosen up and start talking to these men and woman. Their life stories unfolded before me. Quite quickly I began to see the injustices that existed within the prison. Prisoners were being institutionalized and having trouble getting out of the system. Men would tell me how they would put cigarettes out on their grandmothers' carpets, bring silverware to the counter at restaurants and be unable to communicate their struggles with loved one. They said that this got worse over the years until they no longer knew how to live outside of prison. Later through my women's studies courses I was able to contextualize the greater systemic injustices that existed in our society (racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, etc). I began to see the larger issues that put people and the law in conflict. My work as a prisoner's right advocate began and flourished during those years. My experiences have since been enriched through work with victims rights groups, harm reduction communities, and transformative justice programs.
I made a decision throughout my years of doing prison work, that if I was going to espouse values of compassion, non-judgement, and the absolute belief in peoples capacity for change, that I would need to be able to live those values in my personal life. This has been both my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow. First off, I am discerning, I do not allow just anyone into my home. However, I raise the question whether you would have Martha Stewart, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Robert Downy Jr. or Paris Hilton in your home? They are all ex-prisoners. They have all committed a 'crime'. How do you discern who is deserving of compassion and forgiveness?
I work with all kinds of prisoners. People who have been charged with murder, sex crimes, bank robbers, car thieves, sex workers, political prisoners, men who have not paid child support etc. I have judgements, it is impossible not to. I actually think it is quite healthy. It is what I choose to do with those judgements that are significant to me. I do my best to be open to the people that I work with and learn about who they are, how they got to where they are, what they want out of life, their strengths, their weaknesses, their joys and their sorrows. I ask that they share themselves with me and if appropriate and possible, I share myself with them. I create relationships. Sometimes I do them well and sometimes I don't. With respect to who I have in my home or in my life, I take calculated and well thought out risks. I choose to do this because this is that way that I believe that the world can change. More importantly, I think that I need to live in ways that I want to the world to be. As Ghandi said "you must be the change you want to see in the world". For me, that means having people who have been in prison, people who use drugs, people with mental health issues (and the list goes on) in my home and more importantly in my life. It has not always been easy. I have been judged for my choices. I have also faced feelings of burn out and I have asked myself when is it enough? How much do I give? What personal risks do I take? In turn, I have also been rewarded with beautiful relationships that have taught me compassion, courage, and resilience. There are many times I feel like I don't know what I am doing and feel unsure about my abilities to support people who have lived such broken lives. Ultimately, I don't know what is right, what is best and what makes sense at times. I do what I can to live with personal integrity and thoughtfulness for myself and for those around me. In the end, I hope that I have made a difference.
My own self-discovery
I work with a community of folks that face many challenges, Aids ,Homelessness ,Addictions , Mental Health issues.and so on. I too have felt burn out, wondered if I am doing enough,(what is enough?) Wanted to move on to some happier and better paid work space.
What keeps me in this work? When do I feel that I have given enough? Such like questions must arise for all working in such communities along with self doubt, confusion and so on from time to time. I guess for me the notion of doing what I can, coupled with doing my best, has freed me from beating myself up too much and enabled me to continue to contribute and serve .
Your work is not easy and requires great courage . Reading your posting has assisted me to find mine in this moment.
Thanks for your post on your
Thanks for your post on your work with prisoners. As a teacher I identify with your question around building positive relationships with the people you work with. In my case I have the sort of added pressure of trying to be a good role model to my students (this year they are aged 11-14), but at the same time I am always questioning myself about my own honesty and integrity in each relationship...I found it reassuring to read that sometimes you do a good job in your relationships and sometimes you do a bad job, that's the same for me but it's hard to live with the reality of doing a bad job in my interactions with my students.
Recently I had to fill out some Safety Plans for my students. These are plans that get quite detailed about anger and oppositional behaviour (for instance, swearing, hitting, running away, etc). and in fact I was told the purpose of the plan is to ensure that the class gets the same number of Special Needs Assistants as last year. I sort of picked up that I should over-state the cases of the students in my class, that is make them sound more angry and uncontrollable than they are, in order to keep the staffing levels the same. Then I showed a Safety Plan to a mother of one of my students and she called me on it. I had exaggerated her child's behaviour, making him sound really defiant and difficult. I am still sorting out my own confusion and guilt around that, and wondering where my integrity was when filling out the plan. This kid has actually shown huge improvements in behaviour and maturity, and I feel like I sold him down the river.
My job provides me with personal learning opportunities all the time because of the intimacy and power of the relationships between me and my students.