Let's talk about Therapy
Welcome to the therapy discussion board. We invite your comments, questions and experiences of a psychotherapy and/or counseling journey.
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feelings are feelings
I have been deeply touched by the recent discussion about feelings of love and attraction within the therapeutic relationship and the need to accept ourselves as precious children of the universe. I think for many of us, our therapist was the first person to relate to us without judgement or expectation. In my case I found myself in a relationship based on love and respect for the first time in my life and it took me a long time to accept that. I kept thinking I would eventually say or do something that would bring the relationship to an abrupt end and, as a result, I found it extremely difficult to admit my feelings of love for my therapist. I thought that they were inappropriate, and I was also afraid that my feelings would be rejected and scorned the way they were in my childhood. With time and an incredible amount of patience, support and compassion from my therapist I am now starting to bring feelings of all kinds into the session room.
I recently found this quotation that speaks to our fear of expressing ourselves:
We can learn to speak when we are afraid in the same way that we have learned to speak when we are tired. We have been socialized to respect fear more that our own need for language and definition and, while we wait in silence for the final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. - audre lorde
Feelings are Feelings
2010-04-15
Feelings are Feelings
2010-04-14 I learned that feelings are feelings and not open to judgment ,,, feelings are neither right or wrong,,, I am in A.A. for nearly 30 years now and when I first came into A. A. I had strong intense feelings for my 1st sponsor,,,for a long time I shared this with no one, I felt ashamed,,, especially since my feelings were for another married woman. Finally, I had to seek professional help to deal with my sexuality issues or get drunk, because the pain was SOOOO intense. It took a long, long, long time for me to share with anyone that I am a lesbian. Just remember that God does not make junk, and that you are a Precious CHILD of the Universe ! I do believe that the intense feelings will subside the more you share YOUR TRUTH !!! Take Care bee from PEI
Hi Bee, Thank you for
Hi Bee,
Thank you for sharing your experiences.Your openness has helped me to not feel so alone in my feelings.I've had intense feelings like you've mentioned for a long time and one of the things I find most painful is the fact that I am alone with those feelings. I was touched by your courage to speak your truth and come out as a lesbian since I am a lesbian as well. I know how excruciatingly difficult that process is and I'd forgotten how much courage that took for me to come out to my family. Thank you for that reminder. It's been over eight years. I feel much more empowered about someday being able to express my feelings towards my therapist. Thank you so much for your support!
Feelings are feelings...
Dear Bee, I am so touched by your honest sharing about your journey...when I first got sober (22 years ago) I had to deny my sexuality - I tried like crazy to be "straight" and convince myself that I wanted to be with men. It was so painful and conflictual - then I fell in love with a woman and felt like my relationship with God was over - I had to make a choice. I finally reached out for help and like you came to realize that I am "a Precious child of the universe".
I have been having great
I have been having great difficulty attending therapy the past while. I feel alot of pain because of the love transference that has transpired for my therapist. I'm fairly new to the field of psychotherapy and have been in therapy the last year and a half. It has helped immensely and has been a painful yet life changing experience. I find it difficult to discuss anything that has to do with the therapeutic relationship let alone my feelings of love for my therapist. But more recently, my feelings are becoming more intense and difficult to manage hence, why I'm expressing my feelings on the discussion board.
The last year I have spent the majority of my time fantasizing about my therapist. I often feel shame and guilt because I spend much time in this fantasy world.I have a strong knowledge base and understanding of love transference, erotic feelings etc. etc. but can't seem move on from these feelings. I have recently began to discuss that I often find myself attracted to other people and it came up that I feel this way for my therapist I know that I have these feelings due to the uncondtional love, acceptance and support . I often felt unnoticed and I feel but I also know that regardless I would feel the same way. I have felt unheard and unimportant from most people in my life. Just feeling like I need some support and guidance. I'm feeling especially alone in my thoughts this evening.
Feelings are Feelings
2010-04-14 I learned that feelings are feelings and not open to judgment ,,, feelings are neither right or wrong,,, I am in A.A. for nearly 30 years now and when I first came into A. A. I had strong intense feelings for my 1st sponsor,,,for a long time I shared this with no one, I felt ashamed,,, especially since my feelings were for another married woman. Finally, I had to seek professional help to deal with my sexuality issues or get drunk, because the pain was SOOOO intense. It took a long, long, long time for me to share with anyone that I am a lesbian. Just remember that God does not make junk, and that you are a Precious CHILD of the Universe ! I do believe that the intense feelings will subside the more you share YOUR TRUTH !!! Take Care bee from PEI
Vulnerability
Thank you for your honest post. I am so touched by your vulnerability. Your feelings are precious, and you are precious!! When I first fell in love with my therapist I felt terribly protective of myself. When I was able to share my feelings with my therapist (many many times) I was received with tenderness and compassion, which was very healing for me. It turned out that when I shared my love feelings with my parents I was often rebuffed, mocked, humiliated. I'm no expert but I believe it is totally normal to have a love transference with your therapist, and to fantasize about your therapist too. You are not alone.
Thank you for your guidance,
Thank you for your guidance, support and understanding about my feelings . Your supportive and caring response made me feel important and no longer alone. I felt very touched by your post and have never been told that I'm precious before so thank you-it means so much. You are precious too! I hadn't thought about my lack of discussion of my feelings as protecting myself but you are right. I would feel too vulnerable to discuss any feelings that I have for my therapist. Thank you for that insight and I am going to continue working on finding the strength to talk about difficult subjects.I'm curious as to whether your feelings lessened once you were able to talk about them. Thank you for helping me find hope!
Feelings for my therapist
Thank you for your response! I'm glad you feel supported and hopeful, and thanks for saying I'm precious too, it feels good to read that and receive it.
My feelings of love for my therapist deepened the more I was able to bring my feelings in, and at the same time, as I was received with total acceptance, my feelings of shame and humiliation lessened, and I began to accept myself, my vulnerability and my humanity. It was and is a wonderful process that is also terrifying at times. It definitely takes courage to be honest and to share love feelings because we are so naked when we do it. It took me right back to my childhood with my parents where sharing tender feelings was weak, dependent, so I learned to bottle all these feelings up.
It was a turning point for me, to talk about love and sexual fantasy with my therapist. What a relief! Good luck to you, you can do it! You are worth it.
Supervision creative
Before every supervision group starts work, one of us brings
in a ‘creative’. It can be anything – a piece of music we find inspiring, or a
writing, an activity, a game. Sometimes I learn something new and profound that
I want to pursue further. Sometimes I simply reconnect with myself, and with
the others in the room. I find that it always opens me up to the hard work that
follows.
Last week, our group created the poem, Happiness, together.
On two separate cards, each of us wrote down some words, or phrases, that the
title Happiness inspired in us. When we were finished, I collected the cards
and shuffled them so that how the words fell together was left to chance. Then,
I read the poem out loud. I was amazed to feel how the words often flowed
seamlessly from one person’s thoughts to the other, finally ending on the
perfect note.
Happiness
Deep Listening
Deep saying
Deep being
Eating a ripe pomegranate, tart and sweet
The warmth in my belly of friends
Who know
Who love
The slow smile spreads
Feeling grounded in my body and my emotions
Being whole
Two young brothers sharing a joke, giggling with mischief
The warmth in my stomach of stuffed autumn squash
The slow spread of happiness
Joy, lucky, and so very wonderful
Coffee time
Family time
Friend’s time
Working associate’s time
When it is present
It is so lovely to embrace it
Falling in love with life all over again
Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for sharing this co-operatively created poem about happiness - wow! What an amazing activity and the product is profound and somehow generates in me a warmth that spreads like happiness - is it that it resonates? yes...and the knowledge of its creation - that the hearts of many made the one - somehow vibrates at the same frequency....making the experience of reading it feel deeper/richer/more "in and through"
Thank You!
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I participated in the happiness poem and it was a lovely experience for me. I've been going through a difficult time and often feel overwhelmed by my own unhappiness. I just re-read the poem, and I am brought back to the moments of joy in my life. I feel a little lighter of heart.
I remember that I am connected to other people. On one level - because we co-wrote the poem as a group. On another level, because I can see how precious these apparently unimportant moments are to me and to others around me. I notice that no-one wrote of a single momentous happening or 'goal'. No-one wrote of winning the lottery or being promoted (even though I feel quite sure I would enjoy either of these things!).
I am reminded that even when life is difficult, there will always be moments of potential joy, if we can only recognise and accept them. I catch myself ignoring these gifts because they are transient, and I am caught up with my more important issues. I have to learn to step back and appreciate the moments of sweetness that weave throughout my life. Life is not entirely grim, even when it feels so. I expect that is the definition of a truely happy person. Not someone who has an easy life - but someone who can appreciate these moments as they happen.
holding the moments
Its such an important reminder that we (I) have to hold the moments in life...the continuous flow of life that contains both sadness or difficulties and happiness. I suppose its about not trying to hold onto or avoid the experiences of life, but to let them unfold and be counted as they are. Sometimes it can be such a struggle to move with emotional fluidity.
I really like what you said about happiness being in these seemingly small happenings of life - and yet there is such richness in them.
Amazing
After watching the series of videos it really made me understand the inner workings of my own struggle within my personal therapy sessions. I also had a belief in something strengthened as well and that is how important two way conscious human connection is, with all people of course but especially when it comes to relating with my therapist. I really loved the last video about intersubjective psychology and how the therapist was willing to show his humanity during the session. There is something about knowing that my therapist is not some perfect all knowing Godlike being that makes me feel ok about myself, like somehow I can get through things because it is ok to make mistakes. To feel important and respected by my therapist for them to be able to admit to human falability comes across as very loving to me for some reason and that makes me feel safe. Thank you so much for making these videos, I have learned so much from them!
Thanks!
At this time of Thanksgiving, I give thanks to my therapist, to all therapists, who help make sense out of all the demons that seem to haunt us. Without her insight, intuition and support my life would not be the same. I would not be able to understand how past experiences have affected my life. God Bless you, God bless you all!
Dora Vidoes
Bravo! This is an amazing piece of work and educational tool and resource for anyone wanting to understand the progression of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy through time.
I guess I really need to begin with Dora Unveiled... as this really set the context for the following video presentation. The way that the writers highlighted Dora's struggle was very well done in capturing the therapeutically relevent aspects to her life in a succinct way: her betrayal by both Frau K and Herr K, her mother's simmering rage and how it came out through her obsessional control and cleanliness around the house, the final betrayal by insisting the assualt was all in Dora's imagination.
Dora's world was a complex weaving of family dynamics and cultural mores that caught her in psychological anguish that could only find expression through her hysterical symptoms - the coughing and loss of voice.
Thus the first video set the stage for the unfolding of the five psychotherapies.
It was intriguing to watch how psychoanalysis moved from an inter-psychic focus where all the struggles that a person experiences are explained from the perspective of the inner conflicts generated solely within the person - ie Dora's own fantasy life that she could not tolerate and thus somatatized; to the gradual expansion of this focus to include first, the imporatnt people in her life (what actually happened between her and her parents and the K's), and finally the recognition that the therapist himself (or herself) impacts the unfolding of the therapeutic moment and the psychic health or well-being of the individuals involved.
In this evolution we also see a movement away from the therapist as expert -Freud declaring what really going on inside the patient - to the therapist grappling with trying to understand the subjective experience of the client, and finally the therapist and client co-creating the therapeutic experience, where there is a sense of mutuality (even as its not symmetrical).
I appreciate that the later video touched on all five psychotherapies, not just because it gives us an historical overview of the theorectical progession, but also because each of these therapeutic modalities also shows us varying apects of psychic life that create the kaliediscopic vision of mental life - we must not forget that mental life encompasses inner fantasies and unconscious conflicts (Freud), defensive mechanisms to protect ego development (Ego psychology), the internalized relationships with primary care-givers (object relations), attempts to maintain a consistent self-sense within important relational matrices (Self-psychology), and finally the negotiation of the deeply contextual intersubjective experience of being with another (Intersubjectivity).
Thank you to the film makers - both cast and crew, writers, directors and producers, for creating such a rich educational tool. What a resource for professionals in the field of counselling and psychotherapy, as well as those who are simply interested in the workings of the human mind!
Amazing Educational Tool!
As I watched the video Dora Unveiled and my initial thought was how cleverly the title encapsulated the unfolding of Dora’s life. Equally, as moving was the part entitled Dora’s Father and Herr “Veil” the Truth. How sadly and profoundly true! As I watched the video I had a variety of reactions including my own emotional response and triggers to the material, empathy for Dora and a profound learning experience with the academic material embedded in Dora in Therapy. First of all, I want to congratulate the team who put this video together as I don’t believe I would have been stirred if the content of the material had not been so well written and the scenes so well executed.
I found moving forward through time as a means of explaining the evolution of the psychoanalytic approach to be quite enlightening. The material itself is so dense for each movement yet the writer of the video was able to boil the academic material down to an understandable presentation. It really was quite amazing to see how far psychotherapy has developed over the decades. This progression was beautifully illustrated by the portrayal of the musings of the various therapists and Dora’s response to the different therapists and their approaches.
Another important aspect of the video that I gleaned was that one’s theoretical approach absolutely determines the direction of the therapy session. At face value this only makes sense. However, it made me think about the importance of being grounded and understanding as fully as possible the therapeutic approach which one uses. It is not enough to have an “overview” or solely an “experiential” approach to therapy.
I also thought it was brilliant how the Dora’s mantra “nobody ever listens to me” was woven into every therapy session including her feelings about the therapist and finally how she felt heard through the intersubjective psychology approach (although not perfectly)!
This video is definitely an education tool which I am sure I will watch many times over. Thank you for sharing this knowledge and making it so accessible.
Dora unveiled
I was really taken with the dramatization of Dora's analysis. The writing and acting and even the lighting and filming helped to make the scene come alive. I saw clearly how Freud was definitely off the mark in terms of really listening to and understanding Dora because he was so focused on his theories. This was naturally very painful for Dora who had the gumption and good sense to stop seeing him when it was clear he couldn't hear her. Her anger towards him caused him to pause and to think about what had transpired. They both gave the world a gift when he realized that her anger towards him was connected to her anger at her father and Herr. His gift was the discovery of transference but it was her gift of daring to speak up that inspired the connection.
Dora Unveiled
The developement of therapeutic approach was so enlightening. I gathered that the Freud and early others were very much distracted from attuning to Dora because they were to wrapped up in the analytic model and /or themselves. It seemed they could only come to vague understandings about her by reflecting on themselves. But they couldn't actually interpret her, only themselves and the analysis. It was so relieving to see where therapy got to in the contemporary, and exciting to imagine where it can go. Amazing learning tools, these videos, well done!
Yes, when you think about it
Yes, when you think about it her gift of daring changed psychoanalysis and all its movements.
Gabor Mate Interview
I have just finished listening to Joanne's interview with Gabor Mate. I am very moved again by his understanding of addiction and his honesty with what it means to be a human being. Joanne's questions helped me to appreciate the importance of loving our clients and ourselves who struggle with addictive behaviours. Thanks for the opportunity to hear his voice.
Dora Unveiled and Dora in Treatment
Dora Unveiled and Dora in Treatment
It is really great to learn about Freud’s famous case of Dora in visual form. I love the quality of the film and the way it is portrayed. It held my interest because the acting and music were very compelling.
Even though I know the five psychotherapies in the history; it was so nice to see it in video as a teaching tool.
It not only validates that psychotherapy comes from a discipline but that psychotherapy and how it address dynamics keeps on growing and continues to address the present circumstances of our time in history. I wonder what the next movement will be that addresses the present time period.
More discussion will follow as I review the videos.
Dora Unveiled
Having studied the case of Dora, it was absolutely amazing to see it come to life on the screen. Some how Dora's despair at not being believed around the assault by Herr K had not hit me as powerfully as it did when I watched it on the video. The betrayal was immense by everyone in her life.
It reminds me how even as things change...so much can remain the same.
I agree watching Dora's story
I agree watching Dora's story unfold over and over again brought me much closer to her pain then when I studied this case.
Thunderstorms and Our Therapeutic Journey
The summer with its glorious hot days spurring on erratic thunderstorms coupled with dreadful stories of people being struck by lightening has caused me to reflect on the similarities between electric storms and our therapeutic journey. I recall a few years ago one of the lead stories on the news told of several people unexpectedly caught outside in a thunderstorm that sought refuge under the protection of a large tree and as a result were seriously injured. As we know, hiding under a tree during a storm, although it gives the allure of safety is one of the most unsafe places to seek refuge. Indeed, the safer thing for these poor souls to have done was to lie down in an open and exposed field rather than seeking the shelter of the trees. However, this does not make sense to our sometimes frail and narrow way of thinking. Surely, it would be safer to “hide” under the protection of a tree as compared to lying seemingly open, vulnerable and uncovered in the wide expanse of a field. So it is with our therapeutic journey. It “makes sense” to us that in order to keep safe we must continue to hide and find shelter in our defences. For those of us caught in an emotional storm, our defences are like the tree which seems to stretch out its limbs beckoning us to find refuge and safety under its bough. To be sure our defences, not unlike the tree can serve a purpose. The expansive branches of a tree can provide shade on a scorching day and certainly serve as a type of umbrella when it rains. This is not unlike our defences which also provided a “safe” place for us when we were vulnerable children and exposed to the evil side of the elements of life. We had no protection, and thus protected ourselves the only way we knew how which was through building a very think layer of defences. But now in our therapeutic journey, our defences similar to the trees in a thunderstorm can be the most dangerous place for us to be. Without a doubt as frightening as it may be the “safest” place for us to be in therapy is lying in openness and vulnerability, exposing the deepest core of who we are.
I know in my therapeutic journey, I wrestle daily with my defences and many times engage in them because it seems to be my “haven” from the deep pain that still resides within me. However, I am striving to let the defences go and am reminded when a storm approaches what seems to be the “safest” place to hide is not. I am reminiscent again of my therapeutic journey and the steps to openness and vulnerability that I still need to take.
The Awakening of Body, Mind, Soul and Spirit
My therapeutic journey with my psychotherapist began almost 5 years ago. I cannot describe to you adequately in a short post how my life has been transformed. One of the most profound changes that has been occurring within me is the awakening of my body, mind, soul and spirit. When I first saw my therapist as she puts it I was fast asleep. I was asleep to my emotions, my feelings and in many ways oblivious to life in general. Being asleep to what is going on within one and even around one's self is never a safe place to be. I look back to the beginning of my journey and at that point I was involved in relationships that were destructive to my self-esteem, were abusive mentally and emotionally to me and I engaged in things that actually went against my ethics and moral code. But fast asleep I was! I often am filled with regret as reflect back upon those times as it seems to clear now to me the destructive dynamics which were transpiring. However, I am much more "awake" much more conscious now and thus the ability to look back with clarity. At that time, being asleep I in effect could not be aware. I am so grateful for the awakening that has been transpiring within my through my therapy. However, I do know that there are many varied levels of awakening and that I still have much work to do.
Awakening is such a powerful
Awakening is such a powerful experience. It fills me with hope and healthy expectation.I believe that only once we start to awaken can we realize how deep a sleep we were actually in. Your awakening is well under way and you are already experiencing the benefits . You are anticipating more to come and that is a special type of excitement.
I often reflect on my own therapy journey and the depth of sleep that I had been in for so very long. My strength continues to grow in so many areas. Recently my creativity is opening up for me in the fields of music and some creative art work. I continue to try to grasp my excitement as I see so many parts of my life changing in such a wonderful way. I began my therapy journey late in life (46 years of age) and like to consider myself a late bloomer.
Recently I have been very touched in the music world with the forty eight year old woman from Scotland, Susan Boyle who sang on a British TV programme called Britain's Got Talent. The appearance changed her life and she is now on the way to a professional music career. Her winning vocal was "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables. For years I have dreamed a dream of emotional awakening and fulfilment. It is happening for me. I continue to watch Susan Boyle on You Tube. Her story fills me with joy and eager anticipation. She too is a late bloomer.
When the therapist leaves...
What do you do when the therapist leaves?...like on vacation...I'm not talking about the more serious leaving of wrapping up a practice or anything, just these momentary "hiccups" in connection. It brings to mind the "What About Bob?" parody on the therapeutic relationship - following your therapist to their vacation spot, showing up on their front porch, invting yourself to their family BBQ, etc....i think you get the idea.
In a more serious vein, these moments seem to surface any of the attachment issues that we try to keep far from our conscious minds...ambivalence, insecurity, withdrawal, longing...swirling with the always, oh-so-rational-voice of "what? its only a holiday? You know your therapist is human too? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! GROW UP!"
Ooohhhh... the compassionate voice of reason...always so comforting in these moments of vulnerable weakness...hmmmmmmm.
What would it mean if we just let ourselves feel that childish (child-like) longing, "homesickness" for a relation that goes deeper than most realize.
I remember when i was a little kid, being sent away to camp (which I hated desperately); I would sit on a grassy hill looking out at the huge lake stretching out before me - glistening with little diamonds of sunlight - humming songs that felt like "home" - aching to return to my dog, my room, the park by my house that i used to go swinging for hours at...Where is that camp counselor who'd come up to me and say "hey lets go cannoeing.." and off we'd go and for a time I would forget my longing and just be with the lake, the sound of paddles dipping, etc....oh yeah, I forgot...she's going on holidays :)
But these are memories and thoughts that cheer me up, they might even make me smile - so maybe the therapist doesn't really leave....
Let's go canoeing!
Thank you very much for sharing your feelings in your post. I can really relate with your feelings around your therapist going on holiday. I find the experience of my therapist taking a holiday stirs me up, too, and takes me back to such old feelings - in my case, a tendency to shut down my feelings and try to just tough it out until my therapist gets back.
It's a challenge to remember that I can still have my vulnerability and joy and spontenaity without immediate access to the loving support that I am so accustomed to. In my life, I feel like I'm growing up a little bit and feeling more independent, and it's a good feeling, as I internalize more of my therapist's acceptance and collaboration and can work through my own feelings with greater ease.
I love the image of a kind counsellor to go canoeing with. I love how we can connect on this board. In my heart, I'm out on that lake with you, and also sitting on the shore feeling homesick with you.
I think that I go a little
I think that I go a little unconscious when my therapist goes on holiday. I was used to my parents leaving, and so it feels normal for her to leave as well. The unconscious bit is that I feel lost. Part of my starts to unravel a little. I lose my grounding.
When my parents left - I always felt an element of relief. Life was safer and calmer when they were gone. No loud arguments or fights. I had privacy. It was good for me at the time. Looking back now though - I am feeling the longing that I had in my heart for a connection with them. To be in a safe place with them. To be loved. I lived in isolation and it was a lonely place.
Now my therapist is on holiday - and I am feeling some elements of relief. I don't have to do any hard emotional work! I can save financially. But I am also feeling that isolation creeping up on me. I feel myself losing some of the gains I've made - feeling alone again in that dark room.
Vanier on the art of being a therapist
I was listening to the second interview with Vanier by Heather Kilty and was moved by his perspective on how to be a healer. As both a therapist and a client I am challenged and reminded of this "art" we call psychotherapy.
Sometimes it seems in therapy there can be this sense that the therapist needs to be the expert with the "cure" - holding all the answers for the cleint's wounds. I like what Vanier suggests around the need to approach therapy as an "event" a living moment between two people that invovles a quality of listening that is quite vulnerable (to use his words). Its an experience that cannot be defined ahead of time and its unfolding requires holding the tension of an unknown - what will be stirred in you and what will be stirred in me.
The vulnerabilty also extends in the direction of meeting another from a place of brokenness - or humanness; recognizing that there is nothing that truly separates the client and the therapist - this can be an uncomfortable tension to hold too for each person invovled. I have struggled to hold my own humanness (which can feel like professional weakness) and I have struggled in the past as a client learning to negotiate the humanness of my therapist - needing or wanting them to be perfect.
Finally, there is an incredible vulnerability in opening one's heart to truly be concnerned for another: to love. However, this to me is truly when the healing happens - as Vanier so beautifully puts it - life begins to serge within and this is the work of therapy.
Jean Vanier Video
I have watched the Vanier video and was also present at the talk given by Jean Vanier. I feel so much that I can't write a lot at the moment. I want to watch it again this weekend. I seemd to have been consumed with "busyness" the last few days but something is staying with me that I do want to make note of before I sit down again in some quiet time to absorb and embody more of the video. It concerns the interview with Dr. Heather Lee Kilty. I am really taken with the comraderie that seemed to be instantaneous with Heather Kilty and Jean Vanier. I noticed in particular the arm guestures as they walked together. How beautiful it is! The almost instantaneous connection the two of them shared. I feel enriched by the connected understanding of two like minded souls.
I will post again but for now, the wonder remains.
I just watched the Jean
I just watched the Jean Vanier series with a friend. She was having a bad day and I thought this would be a good thing for her to watch. I started by letting her watch it on her own and then sat down to watch it with her. She was crying and taking notes. I was deeply moved by her response. I have heard it a few times, but by watching it with her, I heard it in a new way.
My friend walked out of the door with a new bounce to her step. She is still lonely and out of work, but she was saying under her breath, "I am precious". Thank you Jean for giving such a gift to my friend.
Jean Vanier <> Part 1
2009-06-24<> I just finished watching and listening to Jean Vanier Part 1, twice. I do believe that we live in a very broken world, and lots of times I wonder what is it all about ? as Jean explained, so well. The world seems to be full of 'human doings' not 'human beings' and I get caught up in that meaningless 'stuff'. I also believe that the so called 'strong' in our world are the 'weak' in God's eyes and the 'weak' are the 'strong'. I want to and struggle to believe that the strong take Power and Control because of fear and the weak are the ones that already know that they are in God's loving care = FAITH !
Bee from PEI
Human being vs. human doing
Thanks Bee, its true how easy it is to get caught up in all the "stuff" of life, running around doing, doing and doing. Sometimes I have to really remind myself to breathe and come back to a space of being. To take a moment and notice my body (the position of my shoulders, the feeling of expanding my chest and lungs, to even just feel the pressure of my chair or whatever on my body), to notice the world around me - the sound of a bird, or the wind, etc., to sit for a moment and ask myself what I'm feeling...these are practices I try and work into my day, to remind myself to "be" for a moment. But it can be really challenging at times.
Today, I will make myself conscious of this.
I am very moved by the Jean
I am very moved by the Jean Vanier video. I attended his talk and so the video brought back many memories of the whole event. Joanne's welcoming and Barbara's introduction were warm and inviting. And Jean Vanier's compassion and understanding of what it means to be human help me daily to keep going especially at times when I feel despairing and lacking in hope. Heather's interview with Jean Vanier was very carefully done as she invited him to speak more about his own experiences. Thank you OPC for making this very important video available to the community. I know that I will view it many times.
Jean Vanier Lecture, part 1
Wow. This morning I watched just a few minutes of the first part of the Jean Vanier lecture (see the Video section on the Home page of this website to view it). What a great video. Excellent quality!!
I loved Barbara Dewar's introduction of Jean Vanier. I loved how she said that the Pope said that the L'arche communities were the civilization of love. That is a good one to think about. I guess that means that L'Arche is love in action, love as the foundation, love as the only guiding principle.
I was touched by looking at Jean Vanier. I love how his eyes twinkle. He looks like he has a ready laugh. He sort of reminds me of the Dalai Lama, in the face I mean, so open, so loving.
The first bit of Jean Vanier's lecture is about how we live in a broken world. I keep forgetting that, strangely enough. I get caught up in the day-to-day and just put one foot in front of the other and don't often stop and reflect on the world that much, even though I read the paper regularly! I am often disconnected from that truth, and when I do touch it I shove it away, from a feeling of helplessness and rage and so on, as in "what can I do about it?"
The next bit of the video that is still with me this evening is how we live in fear and how we are frightened of acting, of doing, anything because of our fear. And that we will never be healed from our fear, that we'll always be frightened. Somehow this just gets me. We'll always be frightened. What a compassionate comment about the human condition.
I was at the lecture itself but that was some time ago. I look forward to savouring the video over the next few weeks and putting more responses down. Thanks OPC for posting this!
Fullnes of being and belonging - Vanier Part 2
I agree with the above two writers...this video series is amazing! I was also at the lecture some years ago, but being able to revisit it, feels like the first time again and I know that I am picking up different aspects of it because I am in a different space.
In this particular part of the video I was struck by how Vanier so clearly delineates the human struggle or tension between a sense of independence or "selfhood" and that of connection or belonging. And how being out of balance in either direction becomes problematic.
I know that I have moments when the loneliness can be quite intense and I think, "well if so-and-so were closer or more available to me, etc., etc.," that all would be better. But Vanier reminds me that its not so simple, that its about holding that tension between connection and seperation because I also know the experience of feeling like there is no "air" in a relationship - and this does not faciliatate feelings of well being either.
I too was touched by his simple comment about fear - that we'll always be frightened...we must struggle with being controlled by it.
What an amazing message...I know I will have more to say as I continue to absorb the richness of this resource. I want to thank OPC as well for making this available to everyone.
I too was very moved by Jean
I too was very moved by Jean Vanier's deep understanding of how all of our lives are affected by fear. Often I think that I'm the only person that feels constantly afraid. His explanation of how very successful people are also motivated by fear helps me to connect with them in a different way. Usually I feel intimidated and inferior. Now I see that we're all in this boat together and none of us is immune to this debilitating feeling. Our challenge is to bear it and to still act with heart.
I love his voice, his twinkling eyes, his sheer joy in living and loving.
I'm going to start my days with listening and watching him every morning as a form of meditation and communion.
Thank you OPC. What a gift!
Vanier - what is human maturity?
I was blown away by this concept that human maturity is about tenderness, what a beautiful thought!
I remember years ago being inspired and moved deeply by a mentor of mine by his "meekness" - I think that this is the same idea that Vanier is referring to when he talks about tenderness; a quality of being and loving that carries strength and yet profound respect for the other. It is a quality I still long to develop further in myself, a quality of maturity that I still have to continue to grow up into.
I was really moved in the
I was really moved in the first interview by Heather Lee Kilty when Vanier began to talk about the power of trust to transform a person form a place of closed-off ness to one of openness to others. When Vanier shared about how when he wanted to join the navy during the war and his father said that he trusted him - it did something inside of him, it changed him. It reminded me of a time in my own life when the trust of a teacher made a huge difference in my life.
I had been sent away to boarding school because my mother felt like she couldn't handle my insistence on dating a person she disagreed with. We had been fighting for months and I had resorted to lying about my whereabouts and the entire family began to disparage my integrity, my character, etc. They said they no longer trusted me about anything. This was so terribly painful because I knew I wasn't a bad kid, I just felt like I was in an impossible situation. I was being punished and judged for my secrets and lies and yet my entire family lived on secrets and lies.
When I met my housemother for the first time, it was with my mother - we were visiting the school before I was sent there in a couple of weeks (it was mid-term). My mother asked to speak with my housemother in private (so she could fill her in on all the "bad" things I had done), and to my surprise my housemother said no, "anything you ahve to say to me, you'll have to say in front of her". Suddenly I felt lifted up - I was a person in the room. It was so powerful.
When I arrived at the school some weeks later, scared, upset and terribly homesick for the person I'd been dating, my housemother picked me up at the bus station and in a conversation with me said - "I'll stand by you to the end, but the deal is, you can never lie to me - if you breach that then its done." Somehow this hit me hard - she was willing to give me her trust, despite the stories of my dishonesty and lack of character. She gave me my integrity. This was the most precious gift she could have given me...I venture to say that it changed my life. I never lied to her and she stood by me no matter what.
This was not an easy bargain for me because at times being honest meant being disciplined by the rules of the school - having to work off hours in my spare time (which was precious little at the school) doing manual labour like raking leaves because I had to admit that I was smoking behind the skating rink (and smoking was not allowed) because my housemother asked me. But she never judged me, she would apply the discipline and my integrity remained intact and even grew.
Her trust in me was unwavering and it meant the world to me, it changed me.
My Therapy Journey with
My Therapy Journey with Therafields 1972-1981.
I would describe Therafields as a community which had therapy at the center as a model of healing.
There were many aspects to the community but the one I loved best was the positive engagement with a large number of people. I felt like I came from an arid region to an oasis. I still know a group of these people and love them all.
I would describe myself as the third generation of participants in this particular community.
I soaked up the personal therapy. For the first two years in personal therapy, I hardly said anything, but I did bring in incredible dreams and somehow this helped me to understand that I have an unconscious that is continually operating and playing itself out in ways that were both helpful and not helpful. My personal therapy in those years saved my spirit.
There were many aspects to the Therafields community that one could participate in, such as, group therapy, work groups, organic farming, and creative expression in the form of artist marathons, creative groups, and performance arts. I participated in most of them and it left me with a thirst, an ongoing dream, to continue to participate in helpful intentional community experiences.
I haven't even scratched the surface in what I have to say about this wonderful experience for me, so I will write more as time goes on.
I started therapy in my
I started therapy in my mid-twenties thanks to a nervous breakdown. I really am thankful that I had a nervous breakdown because it led to so much growth -- after all when you're at rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up.
I remember that I interviewed two psychotherapists, after seeing a counselor for just a few sessions, and on meeting with the second psychotherapist I just knew that she was the one. I am sure that all sorts of things were going on unconsciously (I was very unconscious at that time and also very raw) but what I remember about that first meeting was my psychotherapist's professionalism. She was very clear on how she operated, how long the sessions would be, how much they would cost, etc, and I found this very reassuring. She was very respectful also of my tears and didn't invade my space or try to comfort me, which usually makes me feel smothered. My gut said Yup, this is it, let's go for it. I was desperate and felt that I had found a life-preserver. And I was right.
It's been many years now and my relationship with my psychotherapist continues to deepen and evolve. From my entry into therapy when I was broken and fragmented I have become not so much stronger as more integrated, though certainly professionally and personally I am much more able than I was.
But sometimes I look back to those early days wistfully because I was so alive to my feelings...now I guess I'm struggling to be connected to all of my feelings, as much as possible, instead of blocking them out of fear.
One other thing I wanted to say was that as the years wore on I often asked myself why I was still pursuing the psychotherapy. At times I felt that I should 'wrap it up' already and move on (where to, I don't know). But then I thought about how in ages past people had priests or ministers or shamans or even wise elders who might have acted like psychotherapists, for years and years, over a person's whole life even.
I think we often feel a terrible pressure to go it alone, to tough it out, and that engaging in a psychotherapy journey of self-discovery is weak and self-indulgent. But we're on this planet anyway, and why deny ourselves support, insight, connection, and growth opportunities? Life can be hard and lonely, believe me I know, and a loving and committed psychotherapist can make such a difference.
I have so many things to say
I have so many things to say about therapy and what a difference it has made in my life, and I will return soon to fill that all in, but one unexpected side benefit of therapy is that over the years I have become a better driver! I am calmer, more focused and in the moment, more aware of myself and others, and more able to enjoy the trip. Also I am more confident. As I have changed and grown, so has my driving (I used to be a real lead-foot).
A Slice of my Journey in
A Slice of my Journey in Psychotherapy and Counseling
When I left home at nineteen, I new in every fibre of my being that I needed to find a counselor because I left my childhood home feeling very shell shocked from many years of being a witness to and a victim of many wounding experiences from parents who had limited skills in being parents because they themselves had unattended wounds from childhood.
I moved to another location in order to go to community college. After one week, I walked up to the fourth floor and knocked on the door that said counselling. I was greeted by a man who immediately showed me great warmth and caring and I knew in my gut that I could work with him as a counsellor.
In my first appointment he told me that he also worked as a psychotherapist as well as a counsellor and that outside of the college, he also was a part of a community of caring psychotherapists. I was interested, and it felt like an unspoken knowning that I was about to embark on a journey that would capture my interest and send me into an adventure that I would never regret.
I know that some people who have never had psychotherapy or counselling and reach out to a counselling referral service, don't always have a positive experience upon the first meetin with a therapist. I would encourage those people to keep going because you may not be well matched to the first therapist. I used my gut feelings to guide me to the right psycotherapists and cousellors throughout my long journey exploring my self-growth.
I feel very content with being a part of the Ontario Psychotherapy and Referral Program and referral network. I have been delighted by the tapestry of resources it has to offer, such as, group therapy, couples counselling, a psychotherapy and counselling program of study and mid-life retreats all of which I have participated in over the years. I have appreciated that the psychotherapy and counselling therapists have offered low cost therapy because there were times that I needed the provision of a sliding scale.
We may have been given the message that it is wrong or shameful to seek help from a psychotherapist or counsellor. For me it is the opposite feeling, as I see looking for or finding the right psychotherapist or cousellor as a sign of courage and strength and an improvement of our mental health as a wonderful engagement in the diverse struggle in life.
I look forward to reading other people's stories in all of the issues that we have an opportunity to write about in the psychotherapy and counselling referral network.
How did Psychotherapy and
How did Psychotherapy and Counseling help me with my issues?
Finding the right psychotherapist that I could establish a long-term relationship with so that I could learn to trust opening up my heart was the first thing that I was looking for in a therapist.
I found the right therapist who was skilled and she knew many couseling and psychotherapy modalities that were helpful depending on where I was in working with my issues.
One of the most important parts of our work together was understanding how my relationships in adult life were influenced by my primary relationships, so a lot of the work involved working with my family of origin. The other important part was working with my relationship with my psychotherapist right in the room and through this could see how primary nervous system imprints were being acted out in the therapy room with her.
What were some of the benefits of psychotherapy and counseling
I developed an expanded self-awareness or greater consciousness about how my issues would activate in the world.
The intensity of my suffering was alleviated and many of my emotional issues were transfromed into a resolution that I was very happy with.
Most important of all my capacities for love and work developed and improved into a deep passion.
My journey in finding the
My journey in finding the right therapist was a rocky one. I had my first breakdown when I was a teenager and my parents took me to see a psychiatrist. I didn't feel understood by him. I remember that he had a nervous tic and that he asked me if I heard voices and if I had tried to commit suicide. Then he announced that I was a manic depressive and suggested a regime of drug therapy that would help me. Fortunately my parents never took me back. I certainly did not need to take drugs! Being depressed was a pretty natural response to dealing with my crazy making and violent mother, and my alcoholic father. Oddly enough, being labeled a manic depressive did help me because I felt as if I had an illness rather then wondering if I was loosing my mind.
In my twenties I tried again. This time I found someone who presented me with the blank slate technique. No matter what I said to her - she never reacted. At first it was comforting to be able to talk to someone. After a while though - I wanted something more. I wanted someone who would interact with me somehow. I felt as if I was talking to a wall who simply echoed back to me what I was saying and it was frustrating. When I challenged her about this - she didn't really answer me - and I stopped going.
I went to a couple of other therapists after that. One who treated me as if I was still an adolescent, which I wasn't, and I didn't take well to her. The other just seemed unprofessional and I didn't trust her.
Finally, in my thirties, I found a therapist through a referral service. From the first meeting she encouraged me to ask her any questions and she was able to explain to me how she worked. I felt safe with her. More then this, somewhere deep inside of me, I understood that here was a strong person who could be challenged by me and would help me do the work that I needed to do. I could also feel her tremendous empathy. A few years have passed now, and I have developed a unique and trusting relationship with my therapist. She is the first person who I have been able to be completely honest with, and not fear her judgment. She has helped me see how I was a victim, and also how unconciously I have sometimes been a perpetrator. I no longer suffer from depression. My relationships with other people have changed and are healthier. Physically I am also healthier - which is something that I wasn't expecting. I never associated physical health with mental health, but this journey has made me realize that they are completely integrated. At least for me they have been.
Going to therapy is not an easy road. When I look back though, my only regret is that I didn't find the right therapist sooner. I know that it is never too late, but I also regret my lost years. Still - at least I am on the right path now, and I feel more alive then I have ever been in my life until now. This is one journey that has been entirely worth the struggle!