Why do some relationships feel safe and steady, while others leave us anxious, unsure, or distant — even when we care deeply? One answer lies in something called attachment. At OPCC, many of our therapists draw on attachment theory to help clients better understand their relational patterns, including insights from David Wallin’s influential book, Attachment in Psychotherapy.*

What Is Attachment?

Attachment refers to the ways we learn — from our earliest caregivers — how to seek connection, express needs, manage emotions, and cope with closeness or separation. These early blueprints shape how we show up in relationships as adults: how we trust, how we protect ourselves, and how we respond to intimacy.

While attachment styles are shaped in childhood, they’re not fixed. Therapy offers a space to notice your patterns, explore where they come from, and begin to shift how you relate — both to others and to yourself.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

David Wallin, a psychotherapist and author, integrates attachment theory with relational and psychodynamic approaches. Drawing on decades of clinical experience, he offers a compassionate, practical framework for understanding how early attachment experiences live on in the present.

Here’s a brief overview of the four main attachment styles:

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment generally feel comfortable with closeness, trust, and interdependence. They can express needs openly and respond flexibly to others’ needs. This often comes from early experiences of being reliably seen, soothed, and supported.

Anxious Attachment (Preoccupied)

This style is often marked by a deep fear of abandonment or not being enough. People with anxious attachment may become preoccupied with their partner’s availability and seek frequent reassurance. These patterns can reflect early relationships where care felt inconsistent — sometimes available, sometimes not.

Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive)

Avoidantly attached individuals often value independence and may downplay or avoid emotional needs — both their own and others’. Closeness can feel overwhelming or intrusive. This may come from environments where vulnerability was discouraged or emotional needs were not met.

Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)

This style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies and is often rooted in early trauma or unresolved loss. Relationships may feel confusing or unsafe, leading to intense longing for closeness and a fear of it at the same time.

How These Patterns Show Up in Adult Life

Attachment styles can influence:

  • How you respond to conflict in relationships
  • Whether you feel safe depending on others
  • How you express needs or set boundaries
  • What triggers feelings of shame, fear, or defensiveness
  • How you cope with separation, loss, or intimacy

These patterns often play out automatically — and that’s where therapy can help.

Therapy as a New Attachment Experience

Wallin emphasizes that therapy itself can become a “new attachment relationship” — a space where old patterns can be seen, felt, and slowly transformed through a safe, attuned connection.

In therapy, you might:

  • Explore how your early relationships shaped your view of yourself and others
  • Notice how you protect yourself from closeness or rejection
  • Begin to express needs without fear of being “too much” or “not enough”
  • Develop more capacity to tolerate emotional intimacy
  • Practice being in relationship in new and healing ways

As Wallin writes, “The patient’s experience of being seen and known can itself be transformative.”

Attachment Work Is Gentle, Deep, and Hopeful

You don’t need to “fix” your attachment style. In fact, Wallin’s work reminds us that the goal isn’t perfection — it’s awareness. When we begin to see the relational patterns that live inside us, we can move from reactivity to reflection, from fear to curiosity, and from isolation to connection.

And the good news? Attachment styles can shift. Healing is possible — through insight, consistency, and relational safety.

A Final Word

Understanding your attachment style can offer powerful insight into why you feel the way you do in relationships — and what you might need to feel more secure, open, and connected. At OPCC, our therapists are trained to work with attachment in a way that is reflective, relational, and grounded in care.

If you’re ready to explore your attachment patterns and how they show up in your life, we’re here to help. Visit our Get Matched page to connect with a therapist who will meet you with warmth and understanding.

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